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weddings, babies houses and dogs

Thursday Aug 28 2008 16:47:46

By mummy&bride2b

I've admitted defeat. I know this sounds rediculously pathetic but i'm not coping at all well. i have everything i've ever wanted, 2 beautiful children, a house, i'm getting married i should be crazy happy but in truth i've never been so miserable in my life.

I've been unhappy for a while now but i've just been trying to muddle through and deal with it but i just can't any more. i'm so sad, so lonely and i just don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. I went to see my GP yesterday in tears.. he thinks i have post natal depression and suggested i start taking anti depressants. i did ask about some sort of councilling but the waiting list is so long i'd be looking at new year at the very earliest. I dont particularily want drugs but i can't keep feeling like this. it's not fair on my family.

i told him i'd go and see my health visitor before making any decisions, i've got an appointment with her on wednesday and another appointment with my GP on tuesday.

there's just so many things i'm trying to deal with, i'm constantly worrying all the time, i'm being horrid to my h2b and have very little patience with the kids. it's just relentless, all day every day i know he's only two he doesn't know any better but my son is driving me up the wall, especially this sleeping thing it's still taking at least 2 hours to get him to sleep every night, he's up early hardly ever naps and because of lack of sleep he's a nightmare to deal with all day, whining, acting up, having tantrums yes i know this is completely normal, and i know i've got off pretty easily compared to some people but i'm finding it really hard to stay calm. i spend most days on the verge of tears i just can't go on like this.

my daughter (4 months) isn't exaclty the easiest baby either but i know i'd be fine if it were just me and her, similarly i'd be ok if it was just me and my son but trying to deal with them together is near impossible some days. Most days i dont even manage to get out of the house it's just not worth the effort. it's not as though i really have much reason to go out anyway..all my family and friends are up north i'm pretty much all on my own here apart from a handful of friends i have no one. h2b works really long hours, most days he's leaves for work before the kids get up and is home after they've gone to bed it's like i'm a single mum at times. when he is off i feel like he doesn't want to be because our son just plays up even more when he's around. take bank holiday for example.

the wedding i've just given up on, i honestly think it's not going to happen. i swing from thinking maybe i dont really want to get married to thinking h2b doesnt want to marry me.. money has been tight because of us both being made redundant and now i'm on maternity so not on much, we've put deposits down on several things but other than that we haven't managed to save a single penny towards the wedding. h2b is so blase about it, he thinks were just going to magic 15 grand out of thin air.. i've told him i think we should post pone it until next year, give me time to get over this depression and also give us time to save some money but he doesn't want to.

it's not that we haven't been getting on but i can feel us drifting apart.. sometimes i even feel resentful towards him being at work all day whilst i have to deal with all this on my own he just doesn't understand of appreciate everything i do. my sex drive has completely gone too, i'm just not interested in it, and i still feel shit about myself. i suppose the whole texting thing didn't really help but because of that i'm just paranoid that he just doesn;t want to be with me anymore or that he feels trapped because of the kids. he's assured me that is so not the case but if i'm honest it's still eating me up.

tonight i'm going to leicester to see my good friends from school, they're the closest people to me that can talk it out with and hopefully they might be able to help. i spoke to my midwife friend who is actually on anti depressants herself she says it's probably a good idea for me to go on them. i guess she's probably right what else can i do it's not getting any better if anything it's getting worse.

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weddings, babies, houses and dogs

Monday Aug 25 2008 20:51:04

By mummy&bride2b

Last week was the hardest of my life. So stressful, so tiring so FRUSTRATING i was screaming into pillows and on the verge of tears most days.

Now i may be over reacting. I should really be prepared for trying times because god knows, being a parent isn't easy but last week was rediculous.

It all started on monday, As i mentioned in my previous blog, monday was the day we finally took the bars off our 2 year old son's cot bed. That was when the nightmare began, and it hasn't really got much better since.

you see we've never had any issues with his sleeping, i know we're very lucky in that aspect but it's true. He was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and has continued ever since. Bed at seven and gets up at 9 at the very earliest, He's always napped well in the daytime too and at 2 years old still has a nap of 2-3 hours every day.

This past week has been a major shock to the system. not only has he suddenly developed a fear of the dark, but we've had to literally sit in his room with him until he falls asleep. if not he'll cry and keep getting out of bed. This usually takes at least an hour. Then sometime's he'll wake in the night and we'll have to do the whole thing again. and worst of all he's been getting up at the ungodly hour of 6AM and refusing to go back to sleep.

no i can cope with most things life throws at me but eff all sleep is just not one of them.
It honestly is like having a newborn again, no only am i shattered, but because he's tired too he's been an absolute nightmare all week, tandrums, playing up deliberatly being naughty it has driven me up the wall. and naps? they've gone out the window.
I spent 2 hours trying to get him to have a nap the other day before i just gave up! some days if he's really tired he will have a nap but most he wont, and so he's even more tired and therefore even more naughty. it's a lose lose situation!

by friday i was ready to stick my head in the oven. Thankfully h2b's parents stepped in and offered to have him for the weekend so i could have a break so i feel much better now though.

apparently he's been playing up for them at bedtime too, even though they still have a cot they still had to sit with him, and in the middle of the night he climbed out and went to sleep in their bed! last night he wasn't too bad because he was shattered but today has been a nightmare.

it's bank holiday and the weather was pants this morning and so we decided to take the kids to the Sea life centre. the cues were massive and by the time we got the front little man was going crazy. we didn't take the pushchair as i knew he wouldn't sit in it, i had the baby in the sling and h2b was watching little man. he wouldn't stay with us, kept running off wouldn't hold h2b's hand and by the time we got to ticket desk he was screaming like a banshee and doing the classic 'jelly legs' trick and laying on the floor. was it not for the fact that we've just cued for over an hour to get in i'd have turned around and walked out.

The rest of the day wasn't much better and by tonight i was sure he'd be out like a light because we'd been out all day and all he'd had was a quick 30 min nap in the car but oh no he had other ideas. h2b offered to get him to sleep tonight and it took an hour and a half...

I've tried everything to help him sleep better, bought him a night lights (which actually kept him awake longer because he was faffing with it turning it on and off) glow up stars for the ceiling (really not that bothered about) we leave the door open for him so it's not dark but nothing works other than sitting in the room with him.

h2b says he's had enough (even though bar 2 nights it;s been me getting him to sleep, getting up in the night, getting up at the crack of dawn and dealing with him all day when he's playing up) and wants to put the bars back on the cot. we've just had a big argument about it and now he's in a huff.

He thinks putting the bars back on is some 'magic' solution and he'll go back to sleeping great again but it's not! It's the worse thing we could do i've told him we just need to stick at it and be patient and eventually he'll settle down again but h2b is having none of it. i can't believe we're arguing over something so stupid, i know it's really hard right now putting up with no sleep and a crazy naughty toddler but surly things can only get better right?

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