Hi ladies - this isn't exactly emotional support but I'm feeling pretty p**sed off with h2b who is out drinking with his work colleagues for the 2nd night on a row. He didn't get home until 12.30 last night after not being in touch with me all evening. Now he's out again.

I just wondered how often your h2b goes out with friends/work colleagues without you and how often you do? I tend to go out with friends for dinner or drinks once a week plus gym a couple of evenings and sometimes to voluntary work 1 evening but he's out drinking with work colleagues or friends at least 2 nights without me. He also stays out later than I do and rarely lets me know when he'll be home. I think this is too much and I feel as though he always prioritises going out with others above me especially on Friday nights. I've said I'd like him to go out less and spend more evenings together - we usually go out together one night but not always. I'm a big believer in having seperate interests but I think he's starting to take the p*ss especially as his time always involves drinking. Am I being unreasonable?!

Any advice appreciated!

P x

[Modified by: piggybride on 03 July 2009 21:37:32 ]

Is it the number of nights he goes out or what he does when he does goes out?

I dont think your being unreasonable! me and my hubby used to always go out together, but main reason being is with his 2 older brothers and their friends we're all a big group of friends and we usually go out all 2gether iykwim?
only now we have an 8month old son so its changed slightly where usually its one of us out while the other one babysits, also he just got a new job and made alot of new friends while training (he used to work with his brother b4 that) so he quite often asked to go out and stay at theres which i didn't like but it was kinda all new to him so let him get on with it lol
i was out myself last wkend actually while he babysat and the wkend b4 that he was out, 2moro night tho we're both going out to one of our friends 30th so MIL is babysitting :D
if it got to the point where i noticed he was getting out with his friends alot more than i was i would be saying something! i do enjoy going out with my friends but tbh i prefer going out with my hubby so feel that he should feel the same :p
sorry if thats not much help lol
Misty x

My hubby 2b doesnt go out that often without me and if he does he would certainly ring etc...
I wouldnt be very happy in your situation hun I have to say, of course if they are special occasions e.g. someone's bday then that's different...
xxx

Ziggywig - it's both things really - and his lack of contact when he's out. I think 2 nights out of 7 involving booze with work colleagues without me is too much but wondered what others think.

x

[Modified by: piggybride on July 03, 2009 09:44 PM]

My H2B goes out sometimes 2/3 nights a week drinking and then will try and slip in a couple on a Saturday afternoon with a friend too!!

I go to the gym and do other things - we used to clash a bit about it but to be honest he always lets me know where he is, what time he'll be home and asks me along so I think that's fair enough.

I think I've acepted that he likes drinking and going out more than me.

I know that my H2B loves his Friday nights and he's said that as long as he can have that with friends he'll give up the other times if I want to plan something else.

Could you maybe compromise with something like that..and ask him to let you know where he is so you're not worrying.

How would he feel if u wanted to go and meet them..even just on a friday babe? When I was in training people did this and it was acceptable? Once you do it a few times it becomes the normal? Speak to him about it? x

I'm the same as Mitsy Honey with a new baba so we rarely get out together these days...unless it's well planned in advance! He's at a family do now & I'm in...The old ''no baby sitter'' comes in useful too! hee hee!

It sounds like you go out more often than he does though so I'm not sure how you can get annoyed by it. I understand the not knowign whenhe'll be back - that's just common courtesy - H2B, when he goes out, will give me a rough idea of when he'll be back (or if he's staying with a friend) but then he'll text when he's on his way home (unless Ive already said I'm going to bed) or to say goodnight. Does he do this every week or has it just been this week? If it's a regular occurance and it's bothering you - then talk to him about it, but bear in mind that you do have your free tiem to go t the gym/volunteer and see friends too so worth working out exactly what it is that bothers you about him doing it.

we rarely go out without each other, i am a great believer in a family that plays together stays together, now i know that might not suit some people but it does us.

We are apart every day at work so at night we like to things together nor do nothing together!! lol

I have to agree with wraggy22 it seems that you are out 3-4 times a week without him so id have a think what exactly you think is unreasonable behaviour, is it because the nights you are home you want him home with you? if you are out 3 times then he is out the other 2 it doesnt leave much time together maybe you should rearrange your nights so you are both ot on the same nights if thats the case or re you annoyed he never contacts you when he is out which i do think is off.

my H2B goes out with the boys every tuesday and friday but always texts me throught that time then sometimes on a friday when m out with the girls we end up in the pub with the lads for last orders maybe do that. does he go out because you are out? id have a think before you talk to him about what exactly the issue is hun

I think it varies really. Some weeks I'm out every night, some weeks h2b is out every night, some weeks neither of us go anywhere. I always think when h2b tells me that he's off somewhere, 'how would I feel if it was me going out? Would I be annoyed if h2b said he wasn't happy? Would I feel controlled?' usually my answer is, 'if it was me, I wouldn't expect him to moan'. H2b is pretty good to me in that I go on holiday for a week with the girls every year and he's never tried to stop me or said anything about being unhappy about that. So I am happy that he has nice friends that he wants to spend time with and we both give each other our freedom.
I think if we had young children it might be different. I wouldn't want to be left literally holding the baby while he went off drinking. But that's a long time in the future, so for now we both do as we please and we enjoy the time we spend together AND the time we spend apart.

Thank you for all your comments especially those that have challenged me about why I feel like this. When I go to the gym it's straight from work and I'm home by 8 which is when he gets back from work so in my mind that doesn't really count as me 'going out' in the same way as he does.

I think my issues are that his stuff always involves lots of booze, plus he doesn't ask me along so I've hardly met any of the work colleagues who he socialises with a lot, as well as him not keeping in touch.

Anyway thanks again - I'll reflect on all of this and talk to him again.

x

I go out more than my H2b. he is not really a big drinker whereas I need my nights out with the girls to let off steam sometimes! what he hates is when I don't let him know whats happening and he worries or is waiting about eg. to have dinner and I understand now why that is. I can see it more from his point of view now and definitely don't think its unreasonable to expect a phone call or rough idea of when to expect him back so you are not worrying. Try not to let it ruin the rest of your weekend tho xxx

hate to be really blunt piggybride but i think you need to seriously think about this - i have been where you are now and its horrible. Me and my ex did everything together pre-kids then post kids, he was out 3 nights a week, i was out 2 nights a week, did hardly anything together, he loved drinking and started seeing someone else and after 18 years, i kicked him out.

Then i met my H2b and we have a very togethery life - i have a pilates night but back at 8, he has a karate night but back at 9, we go out together one night and i sometimes do a girls night and he occasionally does a curry night. I love our life together and would never go back to the sat at home wondering who my partner was out with and how drunk he would be.

Don't mean to sound harsh cos i know you must be really fed up but you need to get it sorted now!

I think that you should def speak to him. If your husband loves going out drinking as long as you trust him it's ok as you know he won't do anything silly.

My H2B is very different in the sense that we don't spend that much time together too but its not due to his sociall life but due to his work life. He's got a very stressful job in the city and can work late and when he does get home he'a always so tired and brain dead with all the exercion in the day. He rarely goes out with his friends.

I am friends with his best friends gf and sometimes we try and organise something as my H2B hardly ever makes an effort to do anything. If it was up to him he'll be on his computer all day long studying. When he does tear himself away from work he trys and spends time with me. If I was his friend I would be well p*ssd off though as he's always finding excuses not to go out as he's soooooooo tired!

H2B doesn't drink either. His friends told us the other day that I balance him out as without me pestering him to go out and do things he would be a recluse chained to his computer with no friends lol I'm making hin sound fantastic, aren't I? LOL

On the plus side, when I do manage to get him to go away on hols, we have amazing holidays as he can afford to spend up. He earns really good money so when he does take time off (2 weeks max) a year and he works weekends sometimes he can relax and go on luxury trips.

I think you may be a bit unreasonable. My husband and I will sit down with my diary and he will tell me every night he's going out (he has to go out with clients / work alot.....which is usually him and his workmates drinking loads!). He will also tell me social nights out etc.

Sometimes he will be out 4 nights in a week, and if he is playing sport could be out the whole weekend too.

He generally never lets me know when he'll be home, because it could vary so much. Twice he has not come home at all (I knew exactly where he was but I was still NOT amused!).

However, it works both ways.....I tell him days I go out too (which is alot less but I don't have to show my face at work nights).

Generally we will make sure we spend time together (for instance today...gym together if he's not hungover lol, then lunch and some drinks out).

Quote:

I completely agree with this new mrsb!

I'm glad the mr and I are not the only ones ive had to put up with the 'it's weird you are hardly ever apart', 'are you not sick of each other?'. 'it will never last if you don't have different interests', 'what do yous talk about the whole time' from many of our friends.

Simple thing is he is my best friend and i am his and i would rather spend my time with him than anyone else. If any events come up with his friends i often have to almost force him to go. I don't want him to lose his friends after all but he is just not interested in going if i'm not there.

Everyone runs their relationship different but i have to say i think 2 nights a week drinking without you is very excessive! I wouldn't like that at all!

xxxxx

It is difficult for us because my husband works nights so I am in Mon to Fri with my daughter and the dog. Because he works Friday nights he sleeps most of Saturday afternoon so Saturday nights we have a chinese meal in together. We spend Sundays together either walking the dog or just lazing around listening to music or watching a film or playing computer games.
Sometimes we go out for a meal.

Very occasionally I will go out with my friend on a Saturday (maybe once every 3 or 4 months) he doesn't mind this but his mates are in Liverpool and he hardly sees them. He hasn't made any friends here because he is out at work !!

When I was with my ex he started a new job and even though I had known loads of people in his old job he never let me meet the people in his new job. He was always going out with them. This led to him having an affair and leaving me for one of them.

me and WMC can have very together lives one week, then another week we may not see each other at all, this was partocularly the case in my previous job when i would work away all week then we may have seperate plans at the weekend.... we miss each other when we are apart, but love it when were together
however, I would always let him know i was safe/ having fun/ drunk whatever... as would he...

i relate to the OP as my ex was exactly the same... and it was not the fact that he was out that bothered me, it was the fact he didnt have the decency to say he was safe etc.
i would talk to him, explain your feelings, and as one poster suggests, try and make your diaries match up a little better so you arent left feeling like you are feeling x x x

It is a difficult one.

My partner moved to be with me so all his friends are 150 miles away. If there is something going on like a Rugby or Cricket match or a birthday he will go off for the whole weekend as obviously travelling is an issue. Sometimes there will be a run of these things and he could be away 4 times in 2 months and then he doesn't go for months! I don't mind at all as spending a weekend watching rugby and drinking ridiculous amounts of beer is not my idea of fun and would much rather do some girly stuff at home! He always asks me if I want to go though and rings me several times in fact too many times (drunken calls at one in the morning!)

If it his annual rugby club dinner I will always try to make the effort to go as he won't go without me - we have dogs so it is a bit of pain having to book them in Kennels etc and this year I told him to go alone but he just won't! Says he doesn't think it's right to go alone and gave it a miss.

If he was just out in the local pubs I would be a bit p***** off especially if it was always on fri / sat night! If I was invited but didn't fancy it then fair enough but if it was lads only I would stamp on his foot!

I can see where you are coming from in that going drinking is different to say, playing squash. I think you need to table in some 'couple' nights where you do things together.

I've had different relationships in the past whereby you live in each others pockets and one of my previous long term relationships ended up with us both having seperate lives, he never contacted me either and never knew what time he would appear and we never did anything together or discussed what we did...whereas now H2B and myself do a lot together but still have time apart which is much healthier.

H2B and I live 800 miles apart so we really appreciate quality time together and we have decided to have some joint hobbies after we're married such as salsa dancing which i've always wanted to do and he loves dancing too. I'm really excited at the thought of doing this as a 'couple' especially as it's quite intimate. He also wants to learn to play golf so that'll be something else we can do together as i already play....we both love walking so we often plan a day to go for a ramble. In between times we have our own seperate interests too but always make time to catch up on what we've been doing which helps me not to feel excluded completely.

We've also discussed this as I think it's important to have joint time as well as time apart and we've agreed what we both feel is reasonable. That said he does drop me an odd text when out to let me know he's still thinking of me which is nice.