Hi all,
I have had the worst day ever today!! My Nan has said she is going to spoil our Wedding! I have cried all afternoon. I best start from the beginning. Basically my Dad is one of 8 children however he is only one from his particular dad. He has 2 half brothers and everyone else is step. My nan had my dad at 15 with some random the same age as her and she then conned him out of hundreds of pounds of money to send my dad to boarding school from the age of 3 to 18. She never even collected him at Christmas or summer holidays. Eventually she married a widow whose wife had died of cancer and he already had 5 children they then had 2 other children.
Basically as children growing up with our other cousins we were never treated as part of the family as we weren't from the same granddad and we were constantly reminded of this fact. My dad step brother Terry was particularly mean and regularly bought gifts for all the other children except us. I remember being quite small and everyone of my cousins getting harrods teddy bears from them and then they turned to us and said oh not for you two. My little brother turned to me and said have we been bad and burst into tears.
Anyways so my dads half brother Andrew his 2 older children are in care as him and his step wife have verbally abused them for years as well as anything else we aren't aware of and they've been on social services at risk register for some time. About 4 years ago I did all the Wedding photos while I was studying for my degree in Photography. Anyways they didnt even get any of them developed went back to the Wedding reception the following week and had their photos done by a professional photographer. I pointed out right from the start I am not a professional, I haven't done this before, they won't be as good as a professional. But they were out for a free photographer.
Anyways so when it came to sending out invites I decided that I didn't want my Uncle Terry there. I haven't seen him and his wife since my grandads funeral when I was 13 and it was my birthday that day and they didnt even know. So why invite someone that never included us as part of the family to our special day and doesn't even know where I live or what I do and prob couldn't recognise me in the street? My uncle Andrew i decided to invite his 2 children in care as they have regular contact with me. I decided not to invite him and his wife and there other child to the day of the wedding but only to the evening. Well basically my Nan is nasty piece of work. She tried to book my mum an abortion when she was pregnant with me because she said she wasn't good enough for my dad. So shes been spreading rumours around the family telling them whose invited whose not and that we've been saying really rude things about everyone and her. Which is a big lie!!
Anyways so at work today I got a really bitchy text from my cousin (one of the ones in care) saying she was rejecting my invite as her and her sister thought it was really unfair of me to make them pick between us and their dad and by coming to the wedding they were going against their dad. I haven't sent out the evening invites yet as we were having envelope issues so my uncle is unaware they are invited to the evening reception. It was a really nasty text just saying they were really upset with us. When i text her back she said that she didnt know they were invited to the evening as my nan has been stirring and saying they weren't coming. Anyways I text my dad straight away with the message so he knew what was happening. I rang him later and he said he'd had my nan on the phone for 30 minutes shouting and screaming at him saying that me and my mum were bitches and we'd not invited family members and we shud invite them. She was basically really nasty and just said shes going to ruin the day if they don't get an invite and that she hates us for what we have done to the family.
I was so upset before I dont understand how she thinks its okay to cause so much trouble shes been spreading rumours all round the family about us and has rang my dad and said no one is coming to our crap wedding. Well my parents arent paying they haven't really had an input into what we are having as they live far away and its our money and we've decided to do what we want. We decided on the guest list together and had no input from my parents at all and having not spoke to these 2 uncles in over 4 years for one and 11 years for the other I dont see why my nan thinks she can dictate who comes and who doesnt! Shes always been a nasty piece of work but we invited her as shes my nan. Now I just don't know what to do. I don't want to invite these people that don't even know me and I don't want my nan to cause a scene. Unfortunately its not an empty threat and she has in the past ruined family events. Do I uninvite her? Do i ignore it and if family members who have been invited come after ignoring all her rumours then I should just be happy? or do I invite these other family members and have to univite friends who have already been invited just to stop my family moaning. I just don't understand why my Nan thinks its acceptable to do this to us. She shud be happy that we are together and that we have invited her and she shud be proud to be the only living grandparent at the wedding. I just don't know what to do. I wanna cry, I wanna laugh, I just don't know why she can't accept that we have made a decision on the guest list we have who we want at the wedding and thats that. Anyone else having problems with their guest list?
Sorry for the rant but I need to get it off my chest!

wow whata bitch! Sorry but my relatives tried one of those ruin the wedding scenarios becasue iwas serving pork and it wasn''t her favourite. You can't choose your family but you can tell them where to get off.

I'd tell your nan exactly what you think - if it won't pee off your parents. Tell her that if she's going to create a fuss, with the best of respects you;d prefer if she didn't come.

sometimes people are sp slef absorbed they forget what its about. I'm guessing if she married a guy with 5 kids and had a child when she was 15 she has no idea what a wedding is about. Maybe you need to fill her in. I find it so irritating when women try to manipulate people to get it going their way.

You need to stand up for yourself, your dad and your wedding. Its your hard work and she has no right to ruin it - not unless she pays for the whole wedding, and even then she's pushing it and beinga moo.

I feel for you hun, it angered me reading your mail, you must be livid.

chin up

God, I really feel for you, there's some disfunction there isn't there! sounds like you and your Dad have a really good understanding for each other.
What a COW your grandmother is, she's acting like a chavvy teenager. How old is she? Any chance she'll, um, 'move on' by your wedding??
Sounds like she's messed up enough lives, don't let her start on yours. Personally I would let her know that you don't appreciate what she has been doing and that if she can't behave herself and start knitting shreddies or something then she's not welcome! Don't think about inviting those uncle people hon, if you feel bad about it just think about those teddy bears - ****s.
Stand up to the old bully, or leave nursing home brochures on her coffee table to torment her...
good luck with it all xx

Thanks for all the advice. I just feel awful we never intending to cause any stress but as our day we have invited the most important people and i'd rather have friends there than nasty relatives.

My Nan is only 64 so the same age almost as my MIL2B and FIL2B. I'd love to put her in a nursing home. She is like grandma chav. She grew up in london, got pregnant at 15 and has gone around the family trying to wreck everyones lives. If my step grandad was here he would have put it stop to it straight away. He kind of kept her in check and he always treated us like part of the family even if his children didnt and I absolutely loved him to pieces and so did my dad. I just hate my family why cant they just accept our decision. I wanna ring my Nan and tell her what I think but my dad already tried that and she just hangs up or doesnt let you get a word in edge ways. She is a very nasty lady. She doesnt even speak to my mum whose been married to my dad for 25 years! She hangs up if my mum answers the phone. She is def a bully.
My dad says just leave it wait till the day if she kicks off she'll be out and dont feel pressurised into inviting people you dont want. He said well if you want them to come then pay for them to come. We are paying for our wedding ourselves so can't afford all these additional people that wouldn't even recognise me in the street or tell you when my birthday was!
I just want it all to go away so I can carry on enjoying the planning of our special day. I just can't believe how lovely my mums side of the family are you couldn't ask for nicer relatives the best you can ever get and my H2B his family are amazing too. I just don't want my dad to have to escort her out of the wedding as thats going to spoil his day. His only daughters wedding!! I think she must have mental health problems. Thanks for replying. Although I can talk to my H2B and hes being hugging me all evening and looking after me while the tears roll down my face its nice to talk to someone on the outside.
Thanks
xx

Hey hun,

What a terrible situation. They sound like horrible people.

Honestly, if you did still invite your nan you would be worried all the time in the run up to your wedding and on the day you will be so stressed wondering if she will do anything. She sounds like a nasty piece of work and i dont think she deserves an invite and neither does some of your dads step brothers.

Is it too late to cancel and go away? That way you can invite just your parents and close friends and have a nice intimate wedding with only people that you love and respect

Write your nan a letter. If she wont listen to you on the phone, put it all down on paper. Sounds like your dads step bro Terry deserves a piece of your mind too.

xx

oh my god you poor thing, you really need to try and stay strong on this one,

i always imagine nans to be lovely people (as mine were) i cannot believe yours, she must be the spawn of satan. (sorry if this offended).

do you want her there, personally i think you dad and you are better off without her, bugger the rest of them, just have your mum and dad, brother and maybe your dads half brothers, especially do not have that terry bloke. just ignore what they all say about it, if your cousins do not want to be involved in YOUR special day then so be it BUT you really should not back down and have people you do not want there.

be strong and please let us know how things work out, how long till your wedding?

She is really horrible I know what you mean futuremrspe all nans are supposed to be nice, My other Nan was amazing but shes not around anymore unfortunately. I am determined to not back down now. However much my family bitch and moan. I know if I backed down they are the sort of people that wouldn't even bother coming now!!
I'd love to cancel Lizzieb123 but its only 70 days to the wedding and I've paid half the wedding reception and have paid deposits on everything like chair covers, the cars, the dj, the church, the caterer, the photographer, the florist. The good thing is though we are having our wedding reception in the police headquarters and the police officer whose the security guard said any messing and you want someone thrown out come get him! So least I know at the reception if shes gonna start then she can go. I said to my Dad after the wedding I dont intend to make an effort to contact her after this. I'd love to univite her but now she has the invite, the address and a hotel booked and that wud prob cause more trouble than its worth as she'd try and turn up anyways. We are just wondering now where the hell are we putting her on a table? She can't sit with some of her own family because some of her other sons have asked not to sit with her. She could sit with my H2Bs family but is she going to spread loads of lies about us? or will she just keep quiet because she doesn't know anyone. Its just a stressful situation that I shouldn't have been put in by her. She needs to sort herself out. I have pre warned H2Bs family so they know what shes like so if she does say anything they wont listen. Thanks for all the replies. I just can't get everything out of my mind!! x

hpriest86
Sorry to read about your awful family politics. As people have previously said your nan needs to know the score, she can't dictate the wedding and she needs to get off her high horse and behave like a bloody adult. It's great that you have a strong relationship with your dad because he'll give you away and make a cracking speech all about you! It is you and your H2B day and you must remember that.
Your nan and uncle are spiteful and if the invites hadn't gone I would not be inviting them. and I agree as she knows the date venue etc it I wouldn't advise uninviting her. Plus good move informing H2B's family. My parents are recently divorced and my dad has remarried which is causing some stress but as I have pointed out to my mam he'll be in the minority and everyone knows the score which has to be in her favour.
I don't have the answer to your problem, sorry, but make sure you make use of that security guard if need be x

Your nan sounds so horrible, I really feel for you, unfortunately weddings do strange things to people and they dont think straight!!

I dont think you should invite them, stick to your guns. My dad has a very large family and we didnt invite all of them to our wedding, I have cousins who I havent seen for 15 years or ever had anything to do with them, some people werent happy about it, but why bother inviting people who you have nothing to do with??

As for your nan, if it was me I would make it clear she wasnt welcome, but you would need to speak to her directly I think to make her understand that she was no longer invited. Obviously its your decision though. If shes nasty to your mum aswell then this would be another reason for me not to invite her, as I think your mum should be able to relax and enjoy the day without worrying about her being there.

What does your h2b think about it all? And what about your dad?

I think i would just invite those people you want and sod the rest of 'em. The way they have treated you it's understandable....i would just say' oh sorry none for you.

I wouldn't invite the old bat and for the rest of them i would just say 'why don't you just wait until i've got all the invites out rather than listening to hearsay, if you want to refuse that's up to you'.

At the end of the day whatever you do you're not going to be right so you may as well please yourself, your H2B and your mum and dad the rest can just get on with it. It's YOUR day have it your way!

I would watch out though as you'll probably have some declining then turning up on the day just to cause havoc!

Your Nan sounds a right Prima Donna....maybe you should uninvite her cos she probably doesn't think you'd do it! At the end of the day your damned if you do and damned if you don't - either way she'll cause trouble.

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people - it's the power games they play and the manipulation...my lot are just as bad...since there's a wedding in the air i've had umpteen emails via FB from my cousin and aunt who've not bothered with me for years....it's really sad that they are now bothered about what i'm up to and all of a sudden they're interested. Sad.

Oh honey, what a terrible situation.

I know you 've probably heard the same thing from a few people but it is you and your H2B's wedding day not anybody elses. The most important thing is that you celebrate with the people that you want to be there!
I think your day would be spoiled if you did invite your Nan! It sounds if you would end up focusing on her all day making sure that she not going to ruin the day anyway! Those who truly know and love you will be there and wont listen any rubbish she tells them.

As for your cousins in care - you have invited them as you want them to be there but whatever the reason you cant make people come (believe me I know)! As long as you get your chance to put them straight about things.

Thanks again for the replies I've been thinking about it all weekend. My H2B is very supportive he knows what my nan is like having been first introduced to her and she made a comment about how i let one of my cousins drown and he should watch out for me. It was totally random and not even in the slightest bit true as i can safely say i have never been swimming or near any water with any of my cousins!

My dad is great too, he knows what's shes like and has put up with her for years. His advice is to get out the evening invites and don't worry about who comes and who doesn't. The people that turn up will all be the ones you truly want there that will be happy to see you get married.
Even if I had invited them from the start they would prob of not come anyways. As ziggywigs pointed out whatever ever I'll do will be wrong!! Which is right. I'm starting to think about the situation a bit clearly now as I've calmed down a lot.
I'd love to uninvite my nan but I'm not sure I will. I think i will wait and see at the moment but if she causes any more trouble in the next 68 days then i will ring her personally and tell her shes not welcome. She can turn up to the church as its a public place but if she comes to the reception i'll have her escorted off the premises. I think after the wedding I'm not going to have anything to do with her. If she contacts me she contacts me but I am not going out of my way to speak to her. I am beginning to think she has some sort of mental health problem for her to behave in this way. My H2Bs parents are really supportive too and have said that if she steps out of line they will sort it out with my parents as its mine and my H2Bs day and we shouldn't have to deal with crazy family! I just wish we had eloped!! So much easier!!
thanks everyone again for your comments it helps to hear from everyone that everyone thinks the same and that I'm not just overreacting about it.

xxxxx

We had similar issues with my hubbys sister, she threatened to ruin the day and never really supported us getting married, but we invited her anyway as we never truly believed she would stoop that low. On the day she turned up and did try to cause trouble before the ceremony, so my hubby told her to leave and she stormed out. Luckily it didnt ruin the day and to be honest I was relieved not to have her there!!

OMG, you poor thing! I remember a thread on here recently that was of a girl who cried in the toilets on her wedding day because her nan ruined it with awful remarks. That is sad. I would uninvite her, you owe her nothing, she is mean. Do you really need her?
B x

seeing as you are paying for it all yourselves....how about telling nan that there is just not enough cash for all, so if she could stump up some for those she feels should be there, you might be able to do something about it? Obviously she won't, but it might shut her up.

I would be very very tempted to uninvite her and have nothing to do with her at all, in all honesty.

HUGS

Your last post seemed very sensible. Who could offer you better advice?

I would perhaps put her on notice. Just go round to the house, take a witness if you please and tell herin no uncertain terms...this stops now or old woman I will put you in a woodchipper! (ok a bit harsh)

I wish you and H2b the best and don;t let her pettiness ruin your day. Carry on with your plans as you were and sod her, if she wants to dictate who can come to a wedding tell ehr to get married again...if she can find a deaf mute parapalegic who will take her without social services stepping in to save him!