Hello All,

My father and I have a distant relationship - I found out today that he will be contributing towards the wedding financially, which is lovely. But later in the email 'conversation' it has evolved that he doesn't think he should do the speech. I kind of see where he is coming from, but feel that a short speech from him would mean more than a more lengthy speech from my Stepdad, Uncle or Cousin.
This has kind of left me a little broken hearted - and I have replied letting him know how I am feeling. Im awaiting a response, as he doesnt deal well with emotions etc.
I just wanted to vent really, and wonder if anyone else has ever been in this position.

xxx

(I am well aware that I am fortunate to still have my father, and this is not meant in any way to offend anyone who is having a more difficult time than me - I'm sure that there are plenty of ladies out there with bigger fish to fry xxx)

[Modified by: almostaHITCH on 05 February 2010 22:11:58 ]

I can understand how you feel. my h2b has a situtation with his stepmum not wanting to come, we have since found out its not cos she doesnt want to, but because she feels like she doesnt want to intrude on to other family members etc. could that be how your dad might feel? if he hasnt played a major role in your life recently he may feel that the speech should be more suitable coming from someone else ie stepdad? hope it works out ok x

Hi,

Although I'm not in the same situation to you I feel as I am in a similar one.

I lost my Mum nearly 9 years ago and through that I have never had a close relationship with my Dad, it's not that we don't get on but we are completly different and I don't agree with how my younger brother was brought up after we lost our Mum. I am getting married abroad and he is yet to book up, he still says he is but I'm unsure as if he can't even afford it. On one hand I would love him to come and give me away as that's the way it should be but on the flip side he is very difficult to hold conversation (and like you say difficuly with emotion) so would I be worrying about him for the whole holiday and the speach (I don't think he could even do one). It's just if he doesn't I won't have anyone to give me away. If he doesn't come it looks like I may have to ask a friend which I feel a little emabrrased about. I also have a sister who I don't speak to so I would have no family there!

xx

MrsFryer2B - Firstly, I am sorry to hear about your Mum...and grr, why are Dad's such a pain!!

I think part of it is that we aren't close and that someone else could say more current and relevant things about me - but he has said he is happy to walk me down the aisle? To me, the two kinda sit together - but I dont want to say that to him in case he pulls back from that too.
My stepdad said a long while ago that he would not be prepared to do it, as it is my dad's duty - and after all the times he has let me down, he should be honoured that I still want him to do these things on my very special day. My stepdad also has just one daughter of his own, who I believe would feel put out if he were to do a speech for me.
My other big issue really is my FIL2B - he has a rather apparent dislike of me, yet is extremely two-faced about it. He will be there on the wedding day, and the thought of him sitting there all smug because my own dad cant even get up and say something nice about me is almost enough to make me physically sick. I mentioned this to H2B and he agreed that it is probably what his father would be like.

Why are people such a pain in the ass...if it weren't for my three lovely children and such a wonderful mum, MIL2B (divorced from the A/Hole), her family and our amazing group of friends, I would just sod off and get married elsewhere.
Arrrgh - and OMG apologies for the rant this became.
xxx

My Dad has said he'd prefer to not do a speech and I don't mind. Not everyone likes to stand up and do speeches. I know this isn't the same reason for your father but you could at least tell FIL2B that your dad is quite shy when it comes to speeches. It's not unusual for people to try and wriggle out of doing these formalities.

Why don't you ask FIL2B to do a speech instead, put him on the spot and see how he copes with it.

I know my advice is of no comfort to the situation you are in with your Dad but I don't want your FIL2B to sit with a smug grin on his face. I can't stand people who are like that.

I understand your point - but I wouldn't throw the bone out to FIL2B, knowing my luck he would do a speech!!
I wish it was that my father is shy etc...but he isnt at all.
Im sure I will figure something out - I have alot more time to get used to the idea than some people do.
Thank you though.

In Ireland its tradition for the two fathers to do a speech. Both sets of parents have passed away so on our wedding day, the speakers were; BM, My BIL, Bride (Me!!!!) & Groom. Worked well for us - not everyone has the traditional speeches!

How about if your Dad had a short, simple speech like:

"Good afternoon everyone! Thank you so much for coming along today to share the day with my daughter almostaHITCH and her new husband Fred. I'm not going to bore you all with a long speech here, I just want to say how nice it is to see them both looking so radiant and happy. Like me, I'm sure you all wish them well!

Please raise your glasses to THE BRIDE & GROOM"

~ END OF SPEECH!! ~

Any good? Surely your Dad won't mind saying something like that?

Bamba xx

My Dad is my best friend and he won't be doin a speech.

He's crapping it about just walking me down the aisle so there is no way he will be able to speak in public lol!

I don't mind, I love him and I wouldn't want him to do anything which will make him feel uncomfortable.

I'd leave your Dad be, he must have his reasons why, don't take it to heart x

Quote:

I like this what Mrsaskew says. I think it would be more personal to you would stop u worrying about ur dad and would save face with ur FIL2b. Why not get the people in the wedding party who really know you to do speeches? x:\)

I wish that my Dad would just do a short speech as bambagirl suggests - I actually wasn't expecting anything more.
Hey-ho...I will sort it all out, and whatever happens I will be happy...I am marrying the love of my life, nothing should put a dampener on that xx

My dad isn't doing one either, he point blank refused to do one at my sister's wedding (which she was quite upset by) so I never even broached the subject this time. He can be difficult to get on with at times and we don't have a great relationship but it's not too bad. He said he will do a toast at the cake cutting which he did at my sister's wedding.
He had no interest at my sister's wedding and I think he thought it was all a bit stupid. he's shown slightly more interest in mine but not much. I guess I don't mind him not doing one as I know it will be terrible. He says he's not a public speaker although he was a lecturer for 30 years.
I sometimes think people will expect a speech off the father of the bride but I guess they'll have to do without.

Thanks Saz, I think a part of me is upset by the fact that I have 3 younger sisters (currently 14, 12 & 11) and I know that he will do one for them. His 'reason' is because he has already had little enough input in my life...it just kinda felt like he could have compromised somehow, like offering to do a toast etc.
x

Perhaps your dad feels a bit of a freud by doing the speech.
My dad said he would do one, but he intended to keep it short and sweet. He actually got on a roll once he got started and suprised us all.

Maybe you could ask him to a do toast as it will seem much less important than a speech.

I actually ended up doing a speech too on our day, but it was a off the cuff thing, that i decided to do once the speeches were underway so dont feel you have to go by tradition.

I don't think there comes a point where a father should stop having an input into his daughter's life - regardless of the relationship you have. Your wedding only happens once and knowing it would make you happy should be reason enough.

You should always know that your dad is there for you, just because you are grown up means doesn't mean he is cut out of your life. Maybe he is secretly not big on public speaking, the "input into your life" thing seems like a bit of a lame excuse if you ask me.
Is he also giving you away - because that is as big an input into your wedding as as speech if you ask me.

Just realised what you wrote before - sorry! if he hasn't had that much input into toyur life before surely this is an opportunity to make up for this? Even if you've not had a great deal of input from him he still must be proud of you, and pleased to see you so happy.

[Modified by: saz1983 on February 08, 2010 03:44 PM]

altho my wedding is 2 years away, i can see no reason y my dad will be coming at all!!! there is no relationship due to various things involving alcohol (on his part) and my mum died 5 years ago! iv accepted it but its still hard as those years were the ones where he should have been there! luckily my h2b's parents are amazing, took me under their wing since i was 16 (when our relationship started)- they say u cant choose ur parents, so im enormously lucky! so my dad (altho not biological)/ future father in law will be walking me down the aisle and doing the speech. sorry for the drop in-just a different take on the type of situation (perhaps more rare tho)!

Hope this doesn't sound horrible but I am really glad I have read this thread as it is so nice to know there are other people feeling the same things as me. I love my Dad very much but he left when we were young and has not been involved in my life. I do see him but he knows nothing about me and we have never been able to talk about anything meaningful. He is dreading coming to the wedding and desperatley doesn't want to do a speech as he has nothing to say. This has broken my heart a little as I would like him to make the effort, just this once, and stand up in public to say something about how he feels about me. Even a tiny, 10 second speech would be enough! I am not even close enough to him to tell him how upset I am about it, so will just have to wait and see what happens!
I hope you sort something out, hopefully your dad will respond to your email. And as you said, we are lucky to have them involved at all.
x

hi, sorry girls just highjacked your thread, hope you dont mind! my dad left us when i was very young and he has never had any part in my life, reason my uncle is giving me away, anyway back the dilema, why not have your mum say something instead of your dad.....hope you get it sorted

It is very unlikely my dad will make it to the wedding or if he will even be alive then. Plan B is my mum is going to take over and walk me down the aisle and do the speech. I just hope she holds it together because I can't cope with her crying.

maybe our dad situations are 'interesting' but we all seem to have families around that care and step up, and thats important. hope everyones problems resolve one way or another and that you and your h2bs enjoy the very special days that you all deserve x

Well I'm from South Africa and my fiancé is British and we're marrying in England. My dad is contributing financially towards the wedding but has refused to travel to England because he doesn't like travelling which means I am getting my brother to walk me down the aisle. Broke my heart as last year he walked the daughter of my mom's friend down the aisle and she's not even that close to us but I guess she gets on with my dad. I didn't want to do it because he doesn't like attending functions but he felt bad to refuse although he point blankly refuses to attend my wedding, his only daughter. Plus he gets on with my fiancé so that's not an issue. Almost wanted to call off the wedding but have now decided that I'm not going to let anything ruin my day. What am I going to say when people ask why my dad isn't there...'Oh, because he didn't want to come'. :-( Only about 7 family and friends from South Africa are coming up for the wedding. Sucks doesn't it?