Pigging annoying family!!

No matter what you do nothing suits does it?

We're planning our wedding in Rhodes for August 2014 and as our families aren't that well off I thought I'd give them plenty of notice so if they wanted to come they could save up.

We're paying for the accommodation for close family i.e. around 15 and have asked them to pay for their flights. Not unreasonable we thought as the flights are about £300 each return and they have 30 months notice i.e a tenner a month into a jar, savings account, bank, mattress whatever.

If we could afford it we'd pay for everything but that's over half our budget just on flights and we can't do it, besides it's a holiday in Rhodes peak season for £300 each in a gorgeous villa with a pool.

My sister has put a spanner in the works, can't afford the flights, there's 5 of us you know, too much in debt etc.

But she could afford all-inclusive to Morocco last year and Egypt this year, she can afford a nearly new car on her drive plus her eldest is nearly 17 and should be out of college and working by then.

I really wanted my niece to be a bridesmaid but it sounds as though her holidays and material possessions are far more important than seeing her sister getting married. She'll want a holiday that year anyway.

Am I asking for too much? Part of me wants to just say ok i'll pay the flight u sort the accommodation which I know she'll freak even more at and part of me just wants to say you know what? i fully understand if you can't come, i would have loved you there and my niece to be bridesmaid with my daughters but I can't give you a free holiday and it's your loss.

I just want to scream, only 29 months to go.

2 and a half years to go and they're saying they can't afford it?

That's bang out of order in my book!

I bet there's cheaper flights than £300 too if you look nearer the time (when they're open for booking I mean).

Don't pay for them as if they find the money to go away every other year then they can cough up for themselves.

Why do family have to act out eh?

xXx

I see both sides. You have a right to the wedding you want but no right to dictate how your family spend their money. Notice given is helpful but you are still falling into the trap of just expecting people to save for your trip, taking time off work, etc. Your sister may not want her family holiday to be your wedding. Her need for a car is her business. I see your frustration I really do, but the only way I personally would have considered a wedding abroad would have been if we could have afforded to pay for flights and accommadation. Even then I would have been aware we were asking a lot.

Sorry, I tend to agree with cantblickingwait, my friend wanted to go abroad for a long girls weekend for her 40th, which is 3 weeks after my wedding, I was annoyed at that because she just expected us to go along with it without even thinking about anyones circumstances than her own. If it hadn't been my wedding 3 weeks before I might have been less bothered as money wouldnt have been an issue. So even tho a wedding is more important than a 40th, you can't really expect people to pay out that kind of money just because its something you want to do. BUT with the other info you have given, I can kind of see your point, she obviously has got money and will get a holiday out of it, even if its not a normal holiday. Its still a way off, so I would just say ok its a shame you can't come but if you can't afford it fair enough. I think once she's sat on it for a while, she might come round and realise she is being silly. She's probably being stubborn, I know I was I am actually going away with my friend now, however its now just Centre Parks as opposed to abroad, so slightly cheaper

Unfortunately there is a mindset with Destination brides that if they give people enough time there are no excuses for not coming.

If you want a wedding in Rhodes that is lovely, but despite what financial help you are giving to people you can't expect anybody to have to go.

As a guest at an abroad wedding, we only get one holiday abroad together a year, and when friends get married abroad, the most annoying thing to hear is "treat it as a holiday" "you should be happy" "it's a lovely destination," the kind of feelings that you have towards your sister. This is actually a real bug bear of mine, and if I can give you any advise for when you talk to your sister and your friends about your wedding, don't make it out that "they can make a nice holiday out of it...," or that it being in Rhodes is a benefit to them etc, because the key point is they are giving up probably the only holiday of their year to have your perfect holiday, not theirs.

Holidays are precious, and to say that somebody is going to have to sacrifice their own holiday, giving up where they wanted to go, when they wanted to go and very importantly who they want to go with, is probably a bigger issue than money.

I know this might sound harsh, but hopefully it will help you see it from a guests perspective. Me and H2B have been invited to a wedding in Italy, which means we can't have a holiday that year, and the holiday we do have we have to spend with about 80 people, not just the two of us as we would want.

So your sister is allowed to go on her all inclusive holidays to Egypt etc, and you shouldn't be holding that against her.

I honestly believe if you get married abroad, you cannot have these feelings towards any guests, and I think often destination couples do not realise what guests are actually sacrificing to come to their wedding. The smallest issue is probably the cost, but that is the easiest reason to give to a Bride without sounding mean.

I hope that has helped you see it from the other side.

I know it is harsh, but I totally agree with champagne_please.

It's not the fact that she's giving up a holiday or using her only holiday to come to my wedding. I could understand if she'd said that and it's only me, my partner and kids, my dad, his partner, my sister and her family and my brother plus my partners mum who I wanted to come along so not a huge amount of people. Plus I was going to arrange car hire for 3 cars so if people wanted to go off on their own they had the means to do so.

My annoyance is that she was perfectly happy to come along when I first mentioned the idea, in fact she was quite excited, and it was her idea for her daughter to be one of my bridesmaids along side her cousins which I was thrilled about. I'd told her the approximate costs before so it wouldn't have been a surprise but when we said we couldn't afford to pay for the whole thing and would have to ask people to pay for their flight that is when she started humming and ahhing about it.

Now her excuse is that she can't afford it when I know full well she can if she saved a little bit.

I think I'm just going to have to say I'm really really sorry you can't come but I can't afford to pay for everyone and leave it at that.

I'd love her to be there but it does seem as though she wanted a free holiday and expected me to pay for everything.

She has moaned at my dad as well about me not paying for the flights so I know it definately not about her feeling forced into going.

She probably was excited. It is her sister's wedding and a wedding abroad sounds lovely. But when reality sets in, it is a huge ask. And as someone else said, it is easier for her to blame cost rather than risk the hurt of explaining the other problems which posters have outlined above.

Regardless of the fact you feel she should want to spend her holiday with the people you listed, a huge extended family holiday is not to everyone's taste, and car hire for a few days away is not enough particularly is the destination itself is not your first choice.

She is probably torn. I think you are unfair to say she wants a free holiday. She wants to see her sister get married, and probably for her daughter to be a bridesmaid. But she doesn't want it to impact on her family holiday, which I can totally understand. She was possibly hoping you;d have thought through cost implications for everyone before deciding on this time of wedding.

I am not saying you aren't trying to help out, because you are but the fact is, you are asking for 300 quid per person, time off work, petrol to an from airport, no family holiday (potentially) as well as the usual costs of a wedding, present, outfits for the family, etc. Even with time to save, can you see that is might not prioritise this money at the cost of her family?

The fact that you mention things like her car and previous holidays leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She is entitled to those things if she can afford them, regardless of your chosen type of wedding. Also, her seventeen year old, are you suggesting she save for your wedding too, at her age?

It is very easy to get caught up in the romance of a big exotic wedding abroad, but the reality is, you have to prepare yourself to be without some important people. You are allowed to be sad about this if it happens, but moaning makes you appear a little blinkered.

I think if your sister is saying she can't afford it then you have to take her at face value and accept she might not be able to come. If your having a wedding abroad then it's understandable that people might not be able to come whether it's because of the money, the annual leave or the general hassle of being forced on a "holiday" they would never have picked for themselves.

I don't think it's fair to just assume she can afford it - when I look at my wages I think I should be loaded sometimes but the reality is I'm not!! And it's not just £300 your asking her to save - it's £1500 for the 5 of them, plus at least the same again in spending money for a week, and outfits for everybody and hen nights and wedding presents. It all adds up and can be pretty daunting. Maybe your sister's realised she doesn't have an extra £150 to save every month for the next 30 months.

That said if it was my sister I'd definitely be making the effort to save up to go to her wedding so I can see why your disappointed. It's just a huge pressure to put on people.

Is the holiday only for a week? Let's say the rent plus spending money and other costs comes to £3k, which would appear realistic.

3 grand is a HUGE amount to shell out for a week's holiday and I bet her all inclusive holidays offer far better value for money, which is perhaps why she chooses them.

Jefnur speaks a lot of sense- £150 a month is a lot to find and I don't think many people could afford that on top of all their other outgoings.

It would be nice if she was in a position to come, but again, I agree that it's not entirely reasonable to book a wedding abroad and expect everyone to make it.