my painful past is ruining my wedding

Im having some issues at the moment that have been dragged up.from the past because of our upcoming wedding. I cud really do with some unbias advice because im so upset and confused, and my family feel unable to help. This is going to take some explaining so apologies in advance, also apologies for the content as it is unpleasant but i feel the need to explain everything.....
I know its the same for many people but i didnt have a very happy childhood. My father was diagnosed with paranoid skizophrenia when i was around 3 and has always had a drink problem. We recieved little to no help.for a long time. My fathers mother was an alcoholic, and his sister (my aunt) lived in germany so neither could help the family or my father at his worst. The doctors were only there to administer medication. When we told them he was beating me and my mother repeatedly and subjecting us to mental tourture they just upped his medication. I had constant bruises, and terrified to come home or go to sleep at night through fear of what he would do next. He told me terrible things like i was going to die and go to hell because i hadnt been baptised, he arAnged a whole christening for me behind my mothers back. This abuse went on untill i turned 13 when they started doing home visits . i told my fathers new nurse that he had punched my mother in the face that same morning and threatened to burn my hair if i told. This obviously alarmed them and resulted in him being moved away.
I havent had Alot of contact with him but he is still around the same area. Here comes the actual problem...
my aunt in germany hasn't done anything wrong to me apart from suggest that i exagerated the abuse recieved from my father. This is because he hAs since been made to take his medication so is in a better frame of mind and shes finding it difficult to believe her brother could have done that. Which is understandable because he has told her that my mother wouldnt stand by him when he was ill and stopped me from seeing him. The truth was we couldnt take it any more. It was my choice to break contact it was all aranged through a contact center and i refused to go. Since i have moved out, he has spoken to me on the bus when i had my 4month old niece with me and my 15yr old step sister, he accused me of lying about the baby being my niece and hiding a grandchild from him, saying he has rights as a grandparent myself and younger sister were very upset as he made sure everyone on the bus could hear. Apart from that we'v had little contact except through post
Now i told my aunt about the wedding and she wants to come, but she wants to bring my father too. She says that he wont cause trouble because she wont let him and he has the right to be there. my brother has flipped out saying he wont come if our fathers there. And to be honest the thought of having him there makes me physically sick. But iv been crying at the thought of leaving out my aunt and cousins who i havent seen for 5 years, at the moment my aunt still insists my father should be there and we should forgive eachother, but i cant. He wont even admit he abused me and keeps saying i waS a horrible child who deserved a smack and that iv made up the rest. My mum is breaking her heart because of this. Someone in the local village told my father the date of my wedding, which made me angry because it took away my choices, he has since told me expects an invite...please somebody help me sort my head out because this whole thing is killing me

if you don't want him there then he shouldn't be there, no one has 'the right' to be the wedding expect you and your future husband. how to get that across to the appropriate people is beyond me but i get the feeling i'l soon know how your future husband feels.... (sort of similar issue with the man and his sperm donor-and i don't use those words lightly)
you need t make the decision with your family (the ones who you really know and are about) and explain to them that you will need their support in that decision and that might mean some help on the day. if the details are going to get back to your father then you might find he turns up regardless and you need to be prepared for this in a way which won;t be the only thing you remember of the day.
i don't how useful any of our comments can really be to you but now is the time you will build your family and your future family and stand together on what you need and want. a wedding is only day and is someone hasn't been there in all the many days that ran up to the wedding why would they come to that one day?

good luck, i'l be thinking of you and your nearly husband

i think you should go with what your heart is telling you sweetheart

he hasnt been there for you and it seems he hasnt been a father and stopped being one along time ago so it seems a little hypocritcial that he now wants to share in your special day.

if it was me i would probably say no to the aunt and him as this is your day and you dont want to be on edge all day wondering if something will happen.

dont feel like you should invite them because its the given thing
what does your h2b think about it?

Have you thought about having some counselling so that this wont affect you on the run up to your wedding? You've had an awful ordeal, it would be completely understandable if you did want some support.

I think you need to just talk to your aunt in a calm way, it isn't even about who has the 'right' to be there or what happened in the past, the wedding is about your future and if you don't want him to be there then he shouldn't there. Maybe if you just explained to your aunt the amount of upset it has caused you then she will understand? If not, maybe look at changing the date?

Hi Honey,

Am so sorry that you are going through this, it sounds so difficult and is so unfair that you've been put in this position.

I personally dont think that your father has any 'right' to be at your wedding. Although I have family with a mental illness so understand that this makes people behave in ways that can be hurtful, if his medication is controlling the illness and he is still unpleasant towards you then I certainly wouldnt want him there.

Have you had a proper talk with your aunt about why you dont want him there? If you haven't then maybe this would be a good start but if she is unable to accept it then I would stay firm and tell her that you will be upset if she wont come but that he will not be welcome.

This should be a day that you remember for all of the right reasons. You'll be nervous enough walking down the aisle without worrying about how he is going to behave and it sounds like its giving you a lot of stress already.

Hugs
B

Hi, I also agree that no body has a 'right' to be at your wedding. I personally think your Aunt is being quite unfair and putting a lot of pressure on you. It is your choice and I would simply be honest with your Aunt and say you want her there but the invite is only for her. If she chooses not to come then it is horrible but surely it is better than the possible alternative.

There really is no right thing to do inn these situations but that last thing you want is your whole day ruined and just like beesteacher said, you want your wedding to be remembered for how lovely it was.

If you want to make a mends with your father in the future then there are a lot of gradual ways to do this but by the encounter on the bus it does not seem to me like your wedding is the best place to do that.

Wishing you lots of luck, x

I have come to believe that just because you are blood related to someone does not give them a special place in your life, you still have to earn someones love and respect. No one has a "right" to be at your wedding.

I have been in an abusive relationship so I wouldnt even invite your aunt, let alone your dad, as I strongly believe everyone who plays down abuse isnt in their right mind. This is from personal experience.

I think you need to do a bit of soul searching and work out if you will be happier without any painful reminders at your wedding day (and I believe you would be). Then you have to confide in close family and friends and I promise you they will make sure no one interrupts or disturbs your day.

We are a bit worried my ex might turn up and cause a scene, but a very reliable group of friends has already addressed this issue with us and we know they will not let him ruin our day if the worst comes to the worst.

I hope your h2b is giving you big hugs right now, I bet you need them. xx

Hi ladies thanks for your replies, Iv had alot of councilling for this already in the past and it took me a long time to even be able to talk about it. I just never realised how much a wedding could drag up. I think the problem is that he is alot different now because he's of sounder mind and I think is very ashamed of what happened which is why so many lies are being thrown around. he is also all alone and has absolutly no family in britan that he has contact with . I wont have him there because i REFUSE to choose him over my little brother and have him there making the rest of my family uncomfortable, now I just need to tackle my aunt and see if i can convince her that he doesnt have any claims on me or my future

Oh love, how awful. If the thought of him being there makes you sick, do not have him there. If your aunt wants you to make up with him I am not sure why she thinks your wedding is the appropriate venue!! If you can explain to her that it would simply be too hard to have him there, and she chooses to not come as a result, so be it. This is a day about happiness and love, its about you and hub!
I am no expert but you have no obligation to make things right with your dad as you did nothing wrong. Mental health issues are not an excuse to abuse your family, there are many sufferers who don't !!! It can offer a reason why, and can give you scope for forgiveness which is a good weight to have off your shoulders but him denying it makes it very difficult!!!
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and enjoy the planning like you should.
xxxx

Hi,
My dad is a pain and has caused the family much sadness and grief over the past 20 years, not as serious as your issue, just upsetting. I couldn't have enjoyed my day knowing that he'd probably turn up to deliberately spoil it - so we went abroad!!! A bit drastic, but the only way I could ever have got married. Worth bearing in mind. Hubby was happy to go ahead even though he didn't really understand and a fabulous holiday was had by all!