Bullied Bride :-( Advice please ladies xx

Hi Ladies,

Well, where do I start? I am getting married in December next year and my future in laws are driving me mad. We had our engagement party in March and my SIL to be ruined it. She began with looking at my ring and saying it wouldnt be something she would choose, asked where the wedding was (it's at Crondon Park - reception is in their converted barn) to which she said that she couldn't think of anything worse than to have a reception somewhere where pigs sleep! Was slagging me and H2B off to our friends! Then ended up destroying the whole party by going to hit me, screaming at me, H2B, my mum saying how she couldnt stand by and watch me take over (it's my wedding!) She ruined our engagement party and we thought that the family would finally see her true colours and they stook up for her saying people did silly things when they're drunk!

Before the engagement party (which we paid over £500 for in total) h2b's mum threatened not to come unless we invited some of her friends which we couldn't do as there wasn't enough room. It's her son's engagement and she was behaving like it was her party!

The whole family have made it clear they don't like me and are constantly so nasty. I took my MIL to be to the venue and said 'it's nice but it's no manor house!)

I can't win - whatever I do is wrong and it is starting to drive a wedge between me and fiance as he stands by me and gets ridiculed for it.

we have made it clear she won't be invited to the wedding and we really thought that the family in laws would support our decision but they are going against it as it is h2b's brothers wife!

Please help - I have tried to stick up to these bullies but they are upsetting me so much it is ruining planning mine and h2b's wedding! xxx

Hi Hun

How awful for you, his sister sounds like a big kid who was very jealous by you and your h2b getting all the attention, I pity her, I really do!!

Is there anything you have done to make the family not like you? You say they have made it clear they don't like you but why do they not? And is it the WHOLE family?

If your h2b brothers wife is siding with the others too she is more than likely doing it just to keep in with them and not risk falling in to their bad books.

Is there no way you could have your h2bs brother and his wife over to speak about things and see if they could help you at all, help you to see why they are being the way they are?

x

Honestly, I have done nothing wrong. I am 25 and have a good job without going to uni and they hate that. Everything me and h2b is copied - holidays, how we have decorated our house even the clothes I wear! I was put down right from the very start. They behaved in exactly the same way to h2b's ex!! My SIL manipulates everyone. i have tried having h2b's brother and wife over and they promised they would change their attitudes (after going on the attack at me again) and nothing has changed. It doesn't matter what i do I can't do right for doing wrong. H2B didn't choose his bro as his best man and I get blamed for it! They just don't seem to like the fact the my fiance has his own mind and sticks up for himself and for me.x x

I can't believe people would behave this way. How horrible for you This is such an exciting time for you and your h2b and his family sound like they are spoiling every moment of it for you both. As Mrs Heenan says, is there any way you can sit any of them down and find out why they are acting this way? It could be that they are resisting their son growing up and getting his own family, but they need to realise they will lose him from their lives completely if they carry on this way. x

Well hun if they aren't going to be more supportive I would consider doing the whole thing without them. When the big day finally comes you should not be made to feel bad by ANYONE, especiialy not family, if you think that they might ruin the day then there is a simple way around things.

One thing I would say though is that your h2b NEEDS to sit his parents and siblings down and tell them to stop acting the way they are to you. No one should make you feel this bad and even if it causes bad feeling between them at least he will have been able to get across to them just how pathetic they are being.

It is a shame...they all seem very jealous if they insist on copying you as well as putting you down whenever they can.

I think all you can do is have h2b have a word with them (without you being there) and if they insist on acting the same way then I guess you have to accept that it is never going to be happy families...some people will just refuse to see the good in others and it seems his family are doing this with you hun x

That's a really good idea. we have sat down with them but maybe what it takes is for me not to be there. Such a horrible situation, and such a shame as all I ever wanted was a nice big family unit. Maybe I have tried too hard?! xx

Yeah you need to distance yourself from any conversations he has with them which revolve around you and him. It is his family so HE needs to deal with them first...it does help to discuss things without your other half at times.

I am going to chat with my Mum and Dad about some big plans me and my hubby have in the next couple of months and I am going alone, I feel at times I like to be able to sit with them and discuss things just by myself, if anything got heated then my hubby would jump to my defence and things could spiral out of hand, that is just to give you an example hun.

If you feel you have tried too hard distance yourself from them completely hun, until they begin to ask why you have not been to see them etc, they might begin to realise that your h2b will disappear from their lives too if they don't buck their ideas up x

You have to rise above all of this. As difficult as it seems its the only. Also 'being the better person' shall only annoy them even more.
Re H@B mum's wanting to invite people I had the same problem so we put together the list and then told the parents that we had left 4 places for each of them to invite who they wanted. Make them chose who to pick so your not the bad one.
As for the sister what is that all about? I'd get the H2B to have a word saying its your day and if anything is done to spoil it then she is out of there.
You need to take the high ground they will be the in laws falling out is not an option.

That's exactly what I am trying to do. It's so difficult when there are sly remarks being made. It's her wedding in a couple of months and I wasn't going to go but decided to 'be the bigger person' and go. There is no way we can have her at our wedding though - too much of a risk. That's a really good idea about giving the in laws a set amount of 'places' to fill with who they want - might use that one!

if i was you i would get on a plane with 2 friends and get married in hawaii!!!

They sound AWFUL, your H2B really needs to stick up for you...

I would do what smittenkitten says, get those who really matter to you bugger off and get on a plane.

Someone once said to me people should put their differences aside for one day for you, and if they cant do that on your special day it is not worth having them there at all!

O.M.G i know exactly how you feel. i cannot tell you how upset & angry my future inlaws were to me. they were just the same.except his step mum was the one being the b*tch not his sister.
what ever you do is wrong, you will never be right,accepted or worthy to have thier son! thats how mine were. after taking 4 and a half years of thier crap my h2b finally sat them down(unfortunatly it was at a christening party & i was there,was his bro idea 2 sit everyone down & tlk!) we came up with the opinion that if they cant accept me,our children ,that i am his fiance,that they need to start acting like adults & treat me with some respect....if they couldnt do that then they would be out of our lifes. so we all sat down. his step mum was trying to get him on her side,(telling him everything was my fault that we all hadnt got along...you wouldnt believe it unless u were there!),then she started shouting at me. at that point we left & havent spoke or heard from them since! They are 2faced,poo stirers who have put the whole of his family against us,by bad mouthing us & spreading lies.after they have heard her side of a story they dont wanna bother to hear our because she has said such nasty things about us.They only want him if they can be in control of him& his desions.our relationship has got LOADS better & he has started 2 c his real mum,WHO IS LOVELY & all his brothers & sisters who all accept me,kids & our relationship.i wish id made him cut out his dad & step mum yrs ago because i really like my new inlaws & would be happy to have them as my family.BE CAREFUL though if you are going to distant yourself,because his dad&sm havent contacted us,or even tried to sort things out,they have just let him go. just goes to show how much they really wanted him..

It sound slike incredible jealousy-which is no excuse it is where most negitivity comes from in my opinion. I think "I cannot stand by and let you take over" really meant "I cannot stand by an d see you marry my brother and get things I do not have without trying to ruin it and make myself feel better".
And people like this really thrive on attention and control. So do not give it to them. Just do not involve them at all, do not argue with them etc. Do not invite her, and do not discuss it at all otherwise they can make it a huge saga, involve everyone and upset you. Do not bother trying to win them over, as this is nothing to do with you, but is just about their crappy personalities. the same thing goes for h2b he must stick up for you, and also not get involved in arguements. Also I would be careful giving the in laws a set numbe rof places as they will use this to try to invite sil2b.
I would jsut plan your wedding, and let them sulk. I would also see if it is possible to change your wedding to abroad so it is more expensve for their friends to go. It sound slike these people are used to getting their own way, and now they are having to deal with the fact that what they demand they do not get, and so instead of realising it is because they are unreasonable and h2b is finally standing up to them they have twisted it in their minds so that they can blame you for turning h2b against them, and are having little tantrums. I would also make sure sil2b is aware that the next time she attempts to use violence against you you will go to the police.

I too would attempt a wedding abroad, in your circumstances. If your SIL2B threatens you again, then how about a little visit to a solicitor? This obviously won't make for a happy family gathering, BUT, it will stop the abuse. Some adults have to be taught to respect others, as they have not been taught it as children. You never know, eventually, once she realises that lawfully she cannot behave the way she does, she might come round in the long term. I realise this isn't an overnight fix, or even a fix at all, but I don't think when people behave this way your have many other options. Rational, sensible, conversation and a means of comprimise does not sound like something they are capable of.

I hope you get a great wedding. You certainly deserve it, and hurrah for your h2b who has his priorities right

We did think about a wedding abroad but there are too many of our very close friends and family who wouldn't be able to come and we so want them to be there. The only compromise is she will not be allowed anywhere near our wedding. I just don't understand how another human being who is meant to be family can be like that. I just keep trying to focus on mine and H2B's relationship -- not always easy when someone is in the background trying to ruin it xx