Am over reacting?

Hello,

Not sure if I am totally over reacting! I got married earlier this year and all through the planning of the wedding my MIL was a total nightmare demanding who she did and didn't want to come to the wedding and what she wanted everyone to wear and how her family weren't involved enough. She also went on and on at my husband and I to go round there and visit her all the time, we both work shifts and we barely get to see each other.

This all came to a head about two weeks ago when she went ballistic because he never stays round there anymore...I mean we are married for god sake why would he want to stay at his parents!? We went to the pub and she sat there holding his hand (he is 29). I found out today that he has been seeing her behind my back secretly and I am absolutely gutted...not that he would see her but that he has lied to me about it.

Don't really know how to handle this...first major hurdle of marriage and I feel so scared!

Please help.

Aw babe ....I feel so sorry for you....I've had the nightmare MIL when I was younger and its horrible..I've also been a MIL and tried to be different....
She isnt being fair this woman....once a man marries his first obligations in every way have to be to his wife...no question...no ..yr right its ridiculous to expect him to go home to stay!!
I feel a bit sorry for your hubby tho...with such a demanding mum and he sounds as if he cares and she's playing on it...he's feeling stuck in the middle isnt he?
Dont get bogged down worrying about him hiding seeing you...he prob didnt want to upset you...talk to him about it...dont rant and rave ....tell him how you feel...can you talk to your father in law about his unreasonable wife?? can you try and talk to MIL about her newly married time?? You need to rise above her and show hubby that you're really better than a silly cat fight with this possessive woman...but dont be trodden on and ask for honesty and open discussion. No doubt if it came to crunch he'd def pick you....but its better all round if you can handle things wisely instead ...not much help maybe ....big hug xx

Just a ps...make an agreement between you and hubby about a fair visiting plan and then go together and tell her nicely that you need time for yourselves and you'd like time with families too..stick to the plan then! xx

Thank you, we sort of tried the arranging a visting schedule but maybe we need to give it another go.
I just feel so upset that he feels that he can't tell me what he is up to! And feel like if he lies about this what else hasn't he told me!
My MIL is the only thing we argue about but it is really starting to come between us and I don't know what to do...whenever we have a nice evening if she phones and starts asking him when he is visiting it sparks off another arguement and he just doesn't seem to be able to stand up to her!

I remember years ago first married ...thats all we quarreled about....my MIL used to demand so many phone calls etc...she finally got so involved and I got so mad about it. used to tell him how much housekeeping I should have etc etc....it split us up....not the whole reason but a good part of it.....
If it was happening now I'd handle things very differently...with much more maturity and wisdom and prob give that marriage much longer than I did....things are easy with hindsight arent they?
Dont let her come between you ....take a new tack and tell hubby that yr marriage is far too important to argue about anyone else...esp someone who should be wanting your best as you start your life together...try saying that you're gonna back off if he wants to spend more time with 'mum' ....let him visit ...go out shopping or eat with friends....whatever....I think he'll soon want more time with you lol...and be bored with her.....just an idea???? x

Wow...this is really what caused your marriage to end!? Did she not like you or was it just that you were married to her little boy? I feel mine is the latter.
Just so tired with all the fighting and tears.

Shes sounds abit werid I mean holding your 29 year old sons hand is abit odd? She sounds very over bearing and demanding and like she needs a life of her own. I am glad I dont live in the same country as my mother anymore and if I dont feel like speaking to her I dont pick up the phone. See her maybe 2 or 3 times a year and thats enough for me. Partners mum was always a very hands off mum only text or calls if she needs the pond looking at and that isnt often, I dont think I could deal with a MIL like that good luck xx

[Modified by: MrsPolish on July 30, 2009 11:43 PM]

She sounds like she's not dealing very well with her son being a married man. And it sounds like he just wants to keep the peace. He probably thought that if he saw her in secret then she would be happy and you would be too cos you didn't know.

I think you need to explain to him that you don't have a problem with him seeing his mum, so why he felt the need to sneak about is beyond you. Tell him it's the lies that hurt more.

As for your MIL, I think that being excessively nice to her should do the job. Then at least you can't be accused of being difficult. I don't know what to do about visiting her though, does she live far away? Could you both go round for tea one night a week? Or could she come to you?

I come from a very "hands off" sort of family - we all love each other but seriously don't want to live in each other's pockets. I also have two sons who I love to pieces and there's no doubt that boys can grow up to be very close to their mothers. However, as a mother, you must learn to let go and celebrate their independence!! However, I had an ex whose mother was a complete nightmare in this respect and I learnt from it!!!

If you've got a clingy MIL you aren't going to change her and the more you argue about her, the more she'll take over your married life. The woman really needs help but she isn't going to recognise this so you have to work with what you've got! Which is why it might well be better to go for the charm offensive route. Encourage your husband to see her and make it clear to your MIL that you are happy that he does. Sort out a visiting schedule and keep to it but whatever you do, don't get into ultimatums. Because it can be the very divil to separate a man from a needy and clingy mummy!

Your husband needs to talk to her about cutting the apron strings! seriously holding your 29 yr old sons hand in the pub is not normal (or the fact that he lets her!)

Why on earth would he lie about seeing his own mother though! be honest with each other and see her as much as you can so she doesn't feel left out but make it clear you have a life also!

Its nice that your husband is close to his mam but holding hands at 29 is a bit too close for my liking, im the mother of two teenage boys and i would never do that, especially in their 20's and married, hun tyou need to sit him down and give him a good talking too. As for the mil she needs a good bloody shake

If the least she does is hold his hand in the pub - and he's happy with it - then leave well alone! It's weird, it's not something my sons and I would expect to do, but ultimately, it's harmless! Save the grief for something worth having a nasty argument over.

I have a lot of the same problems with my MIL. She is constantly on the phone (up to 9-10 times per night) always wants us to be with her or her to stay at ours as well as numerous wedding issues!!

I have decided that once the wedding is over and we're back from Honeymoon (I have told him not to bring his mobile and he can call her once to check in everyones ok) me and H2B will sit down with her and calmly talk to her and explain that even though we love her she is being very demanding and we will visit her as often as we can but she must limit herself too.

I know H2B has her phone him maybe 10 times per day and same in the evening so we will be telling her to limit herself to one unless absolutely urgent.

I think even when the MIL is being a nightmare its hard as you dont want to jepodise your H2B's relationship with is mother but they need to cut apron strings.

I do find the hand holding wierd but my MIL is like that some samily's just arn't that into personal space which can be hard if you come from a "Normal" family. Mention to H2B that it might be seen as a bit wierd (diplomatically) or maybe just grab his hand first! you cant both hold his hands!!

Oh boy - that is a tricky one. Firstly you're not over-reacting. Her behaviour is completely inappropriate - it sounds like she has a shocking case of the green eyed monster and just can't let him go. However, he too is not being reasonable as he, just out of good manners, needs to let you know if he is visiting - open communication is really important. It will, otherwise, drive a wedge between you and that is not right. You may find there are a few difficult conversations to be had to get to the bottom of this one but don't be frightened of them.

I'd suggest that you discuss how her behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and that it is unusual for a grown man to sit and hold hands with his mum - try to not say 'you' too much though - keep it neutral to help keep things calm. This is not going to be easy but it isn't insurmountable. It can be done. It sounds like he also hasn't realised that he needs to leave his parents and switch to putting you first - you two have promised to forsake all others (that includes parents). You might want to get hold of a book called 'The Marriage Course' by Nicky and Sila Lee - there is a great chapter in there on parents and parents in law - it can be a really neutral way to have the discussion and they give some great pointers.

You guys will get there - it is that adjustment time - they do say the first year of marriage is the hardest. It is up to the both of you to keep her in her right place - for want of a better phrase. Gently you need to help your husband realise that she is not helping the relationship. It will be worth you making extra effort with her and switching things round a bit. Chat to her loads, ask her loads of questions about her life etc - you can even ask her how she found the start of married life etc. Lots of questions, lots of listening and she'll love it! Let her realise that she now has the joy of a daughter in law as well - it will be hard work but eventually you'll find it works.

It's all about boundaries - set them early with your H2Bs family and it works.

At the start of our releationship my H2Bs family was on the phone constantly. He would take the calls - even if we were out together!

So I said to him that it really put me off getting intimate when I wanted to cause his family was always calling, and so he started switching off his mobile (they don't have my numbers!!)

We also put across fairly early on that any visits that were not pre-arranged would not be welcome!

Obviously, we both need time with our families - but arrange it in advance, that way you can say that you are making sure everyone gets to see both of you and no-one is left out - then they just look idiots for moaning!

Good luck!