Have you endured comments/opinions like these?

Here’s a new post which I’m putting in “Older brides-to-be” and also in “Second Time Around” It’ll strike a chord with quite a few of you!

For some of us, being part of a happy couple who are planning a wedding, comes with a price, according to our parents’ generation and their perception of weddings and what is “right” and “wrong”. This is especially so for those of us who are older and/or when it’s our second time around (in our case, Earl & I are older than quite a few of the PARENTS of some of the younger brides & grooms using these forums!).

How many have you have had your wedding dreams and plans sneered at or stamped on by parents, parents-in-law, grandparents, aunties or “older” relatives/friends? Have you been told you’re making “too much fuss”? Or has it been suggested that people will laugh at you for doing it a certain way? Are there people who have their own fixed ideas of what is right, proper and correct, who seem to think you’re “flouting” convention with your marriage plans? Are you made to feel stupid for wanting something fairly traditional when you’re an older bride or not a first-time bride?

Basically (at least in the eyes of these old-fashioned, die-hard traditionalists), the wedding of your DREAMS is only feasible if you “deserve” it. Otherwise, financial considerations aside, it’s often deemed to be in “poor taste” to make your wedding a big occasion if any of the following apply:

a) You’ve been married before (either of you)
b) You’ve lived together BEFORE being legally married
c) You’re over the age of 35!
d) You’ve had one or more children “out of wedlock”
e) You’re marrying someone who is a great deal older or younger than you
f) Either of you have EVER been involved in something “shameful” in your previous life – for example, committing adultery, being involved in crime, scandal or disgrace, or even being closely related to or associated with anyone who’s been linked to something shameful. Or if you’re innocent of any of these, it’s enough to have been “accused” or “suspected” of such behaviour
g) A close family member recently died
h) You’re already happily married but the original wedding was very quiet, low-key and modest and this time you want a re-dedication of vows with all the pomp and circumstance of a great wedding!

And if any of the above apply, then you don’t really have the “right” to get married with any of the following features:

a) Church wedding
b) Wanting to wear white/ivory/cream – especially in a full length gown – as a Bride
c) Wanting to publish your engagement, your plans to marry or your wedding photos in the press
d) Expensive civil ceremony OR any aspect of your wedding being expensive – including reception
e) Wearing a veil!!
f) Having bridesmaids and other attendants – especially children.
g) A wedding cake of more than one tier
h) Speeches at the reception
i) An overseas wedding which is promoted by the happy couple with pride, joy and excitement – and they want people to come and share their day with them! Weddings abroad are apparently so couples can do it quickly and alone with least amount of fuss and attention!!
j) Any wedding that has had more than the very minimum of time, money, publicity and effort spent on it.

Yes, it’s all a bit harsh, isn’t it? But these are the views of great many of the older generation, granted some of them are really extreme but believe me, every single one of the points above will have the support of hundreds of people that “believe” it’s correct and right to think this way.

My husband Earl & I had a wedding that didn’t cost a fortune but a lot of hard work and planning went into it. And my dear, old-fashioned mother was actually incredibly proud of me on that day. So I really think it’s best to just go your own way and enjoy yourself. Anyone (whether a relative or someone else) that bad-mouths you afterwards or criticises your wedding would have done so anyway, even with the type of wedding they felt you OUGHT to have had!

Bamba xx

Here’s a new post which I’m putting in “Older brides-to-be” and also in “Second Time Around” It’ll strike a chord with quite a few of you!

For some of us, being part of a happy couple who are planning a wedding, comes with a price, according to our parents’ generation and their perception of weddings and what is “right” and “wrong”. This is especially so for those of us who are older and/or when it’s our second time around (in our case, Earl & I are older than quite a few of the PARENTS of some of the younger brides & grooms using these forums!).

How many have you have had your wedding dreams and plans sneered at or stamped on by parents, parents-in-law, grandparents, aunties or “older” relatives/friends? Have you been told you’re making “too much fuss”? Or has it been suggested that people will laugh at you for doing it a certain way? Are there people who have their own fixed ideas of what is right, proper and correct, who seem to think you’re “flouting” convention with your marriage plans? Are you made to feel stupid for wanting something fairly traditional when you’re an older bride or not a first-time bride?

Basically (at least in the eyes of these old-fashioned, die-hard traditionalists), the wedding of your DREAMS is only feasible if you “deserve” it. Otherwise, financial considerations aside, it’s often deemed to be in “poor taste” to make your wedding a big occasion if any of the following apply:

a) You’ve been married before (either of you)
b) You’ve lived together BEFORE being legally married
c) You’re over the age of 35!
d) You’ve had one or more children “out of wedlock”
e) You’re marrying someone who is a great deal older or younger than you
f) Either of you have EVER been involved in something “shameful” in your previous life – for example, committing adultery, being involved in crime, scandal or disgrace, or even being closely related to or associated with anyone who’s been linked to something shameful. Or if you’re innocent of any of these, it’s enough to have been “accused” or “suspected” of such behaviour
g) A close family member recently died
h) You’re already happily married but the original wedding was very quiet, low-key and modest and this time you want a re-dedication of vows with all the pomp and circumstance of a great wedding!

And if any of the above apply, then you don’t really have the “right” to get married with any of the following features:

a) Church wedding
b) Wanting to wear white/ivory/cream – especially in a full length gown – as a Bride
c) Wanting to publish your engagement, your plans to marry or your wedding photos in the press
d) Expensive civil ceremony OR any aspect of your wedding being expensive – including reception
e) Wearing a veil!!
f) Having bridesmaids and other attendants – especially children.
g) A wedding cake of more than one tier
h) Speeches at the reception
i) An overseas wedding which is promoted by the happy couple with pride, joy and excitement – and they want people to come and share their day with them! Weddings abroad are apparently so couples can do it quickly and alone with least amount of fuss and attention!!
j) Any wedding that has had more than the very minimum of time, money, publicity and effort spent on it.

Yes, it’s all a bit harsh, isn’t it? But these are the views of great many of the older generation, granted some of them are really extreme but believe me, every single one of the points above will have the support of hundreds of people that “believe” it’s correct and right to think this way.

My husband Earl & I had a wedding that didn’t cost a fortune but a lot of hard work and planning went into it. And my dear, old-fashioned mother was actually incredibly proud of me on that day. So I really think it’s best to just go your own way and enjoy yourself. Anyone (whether a relative or someone else) that bad-mouths you afterwards or criticises your wedding would have done so anyway, even with the type of wedding they felt you OUGHT to have had!

Bamba xx

at the moment me and h2b aren't officially engaged as we are waitin for his divorce to be finalised. we've been planning and booking in secret no one knows especially family.

anyway a few months ago i was at my mums and we were on the subject of weddings and brought up the fact that if i were ever to marry my BF that i shouldn't have a wedding as he has been married b4. this angered me and i said to her why should i not have a wedding? yes he's been married b4 but i havent so do i not have the right to a special day?? she's yet to answer me.

god knows what she'll say when we announce the engagement and the plans lol

i'm not havin a big wedding but thats my choice not because its h2b's 2nd time and we're payin it ourselves so at the end of the day she only has to decide whether to come or not which i'm sure she will

xx

Best of luck, futureMrsDuncan! My own wedding wasn't particularly big but at 50 I wore a proper wedding gown & veil and had a Church wedding with bridesmaids etc.... (it cost us around £3,500) Some people raised their eyebrows at our plans beforehand but I don't care - we had a lovely day and I'm sure all our guests did as well!

You can have whatever day you wish - the only restraints are your available funds and your imagination. All the best!!

Bamba xx

Hi Bambagirl,
What right has anyone to say what is right or not for second time around & older brides,
I will be almost 48 when I get married abroad next year. I've got an ivory wedding dress all ordered, a tiara & my wedding bouquet is a bespoke. There will only be about 12 of us but I feel so different about this wedding than I did my first. I feel more settled & because we have both been married before & our children are all grown up, we have no resposibilities. We are older & certainly more wiser & I'm sure this wedding will last more than my last of 22 years!

Ooh yes- actually not from our families- let me explain- I'm 40 and divorced for 8 years with 2 kids age 12 and 10. H2b is 24, we have a 19 month old together. Our families are terrific, no judgement, no eyebrows, just love, support and happiness. My friends tho, god!! 'you're not having a merangue are you?' 'how are you getting married in church?' 'you CAN'T wear a veil' ... And so many more. Oh, including, 'why don't you wear a top hat'?!!! WTF??
Thanks bamba for starting this, feel sooo much better for venting that!!

good on u bamba for not letting them get to u.

no fries! ur "friends" what cheek. don't let them put u off. at end of the day if they disagree that much then they wouldn't want to go to the wedding. but i bet they'll still be there to get a feed and some booze in them. ur meringue and church will be good enough then!! :L

xx

Bamba, I take it this doesnt apply to those who have already been married twice and looking to get married for a third time? Or would you like to have yet another pop at me and my h2b because we are both twice divorced? I didnt reply on the previous thread as so many regular posters made their opinions clear on your judgement but I find this thread in very poor taste when you yourself are so judgemental.

He without sin cast the first stone.

Which thread do you mean, mrshalo? Was it a thread started by me or just one that I commented on? I'm not with you!

This thread I've started here is to sympathise with older brides and 2nd time around brides over the comments they get from some rather traditional older generation relatives etc.. And I'm afraid even some younger people go on like this as well! I don't understand what you're saying. It's quite clear from some of the other responses to this thread that people are aware of the point I'm making.

The point is that some people have a very old-fashioned set-in-stone view of weddings and what the "done thing" ought to be. My stance is that it's entirely up to the happy couple how they plan and present their wedding. Every couple who get married have the right to the wedding they want - the only limiting factors should be finances and imagination! I'm not criticising you or any other bride at all - I'm defending your right to the wedding of your choice!!

Please don't regard the bulleted points in my opening post as some subtle representation of MY true feelings, it's an observation of the way some rather judgemental individuals go on when expression their opinions on other people's wedding plans!

And WHAT am I so judgemental about, anyway? Please enlighten me!!

Bamba xx

hmmmmm I think someones taken something the wrong way :-s

Agreed!

Aww never mind Bamba, we know what you meant!
To add to my tale of woe, even my best friend, my matron of honour, said I shouldn't wear a 'proper' wedding dress cos they're not flattering. Errr, he already knows I'm a bit fat and he doesn't care! And 'I take it you don't want a hen night as you've done it all before'... ouch. And about gifts - it was pointed out to me by friends that all my fmaily already got me a wedding gift 15 years ago so why should they do it again when the last one didn't work....dammit I need some new friends!! Any takers? I'm nice, kind, funny and I bake.

It was 2nd time round for both of us and we are 42 and 41. A few people said they couldn't understand why we were having the big white wedding and a big fuss. Some people didn't know that hubby had been married before and they said, oh well I can see that even though you have had one wedding he hasn't so you will have to have a big wedding for his sake. I said, no, he has been married before and he has had the big white wedding before but we still want to do it again because this time it is oh so different for both of us.

When my sister married for the 2nd time my mother went with her for a dress fitting and told the dress maker that we didn't have all this fuss the first time round and she didn't see the point. No point in making sure the dress fits nicely. Needless to say she wasn't invited to come to my dress fittings.
I know exactly the point you are making Bamba, if someone is over 40 and has been married before then you must not have a while dress or a veil or even a reception in some cases !!!

Yes, yes I have!! It's 2nd time for H2b and me. But you know what? %&*$# to 'em! MY day MY way. Jump on the bridal train or go to hell! I'm excited, and those that wish to join the celebration are welcome. Those that aren't I really couldn't give a sh*t!!

(apologies for bad language).

Just fed up with these posts. How many people are there out there that think it's OK to trample on our feelings just cos we've been there and got the bruises?? Tsk! Some people need to grow up!

Have fun to all us 2nd timers. May it be a million times happier than the first.

It's your day! Have fun, go mad!

H2B and I are having a wooded glade blessing ceremony followed by a bring-a-plate picnic BTW.

QUOTE:

"H2B and I are having a wooded glade blessing ceremony followed by a bring-a-plate picnic BTW"

That sounds lovely Titania 31 - I wish I was invited!!

Bamba xx