Advice needed

I was due to get married in April even though now I wonder why I ever agreed to it because the guy never treated me right and just did what he wanted.

I told this guy that I couldn't marry him and wanted to postpone things because my dad had Cancer and died last September. When I was telling this guy he told me that I should be with him not my dad and I had no support. I then realised that if I didn't have support with my Dad dying then I probably wouldn't have support with anything.

The last I heard from this guy was last October. I had been ill as a result of stress and no sleep after my Dad died. He told me to get better and he loved me. Then a few days later he told me they were disconnecting his internet and phone connection. That is the last I heard from him.

A couple of weeks ago I was deleting stuff he sent me on Facebook and clicked on his name. It says he is single. The problem is he hasn't told me he is single and we haven't discussed him being single. I thought I would hear from him when he moved into his new house and never thought he would break it off and not tell me.

I know he is probably playing games with me and I don't know what he thinks he will achieve with the game playing. I was honest with him when I said my parents needed me and I was sick but he hasn't been honest with me. Though I don't know why I expect him to be since he has never been honest with me. He even says he is in charge of a company that doesn't exist and has worked there from before he was conceived. I guess I wanted honesty from him but have never got it. I just got him playing games with me.

I really don't want to talk to him again but I still have the engagement ring he gave me and wondered if anyone knew what to do with it. I know he would make my life hell again if I did speak to him but I need to know what to do.

I was due to get married in April even though now I wonder why I ever agreed to it because the guy never treated me right and just did what he wanted.

I told this guy that I couldn't marry him and wanted to postpone things because my dad had Cancer and died last September. When I was telling this guy he told me that I should be with him not my dad and I had no support. I then realised that if I didn't have support with my Dad dying then I probably wouldn't have support with anything.

The last I heard from this guy was last October. I had been ill as a result of stress and no sleep after my Dad died. He told me to get better and he loved me. Then a few days later he told me they were disconnecting his internet and phone connection. That is the last I heard from him.

A couple of weeks ago I was deleting stuff he sent me on Facebook and clicked on his name. It says he is single. The problem is he hasn't told me he is single and we haven't discussed him being single. I thought I would hear from him when he moved into his new house and never thought he would break it off and not tell me.

I know he is probably playing games with me and I don't know what he thinks he will achieve with the game playing. I was honest with him when I said my parents needed me and I was sick but he hasn't been honest with me. Though I don't know why I expect him to be since he has never been honest with me. He even says he is in charge of a company that doesn't exist and has worked there from before he was conceived. I guess I wanted honesty from him but have never got it. I just got him playing games with me.

I really don't want to talk to him again but I still have the engagement ring he gave me and wondered if anyone knew what to do with it. I know he would make my life hell again if I did speak to him but I need to know what to do.

I was due to get married in April even though now I wonder why I ever agreed to it because the guy never treated me right and just did what he wanted.

I told this guy that I couldn't marry him and wanted to postpone things because my dad had Cancer and died last September. When I was telling this guy he told me that I should be with him not my dad and I had no support. I then realised that if I didn't have support with my Dad dying then I probably wouldn't have support with anything.

The last I heard from this guy was last October. I had been ill as a result of stress and no sleep after my Dad died. He told me to get better and he loved me. Then a few days later he told me they were disconnecting his internet and phone connection. That is the last I heard from him.

A couple of weeks ago I was deleting stuff he sent me on Facebook and clicked on his name. It says he is single. The problem is he hasn't told me he is single and we haven't discussed him being single. I thought I would hear from him when he moved into his new house and never thought he would break it off and not tell me.

I know he is probably playing games with me and I don't know what he thinks he will achieve with the game playing. I was honest with him when I said my parents needed me and I was sick but he hasn't been honest with me. Though I don't know why I expect him to be since he has never been honest with me. He even says he is in charge of a company that doesn't exist and has worked there from before he was conceived. I guess I wanted honesty from him but have never got it. I just got him playing games with me.

I really don't want to talk to him again but I still have the engagement ring he gave me and wondered if anyone knew what to do with it. I know he would make my life hell again if I did speak to him but I need to know what to do.

God, what atough few months you've had!!
It's terrible that he is treating you so badly. I think you know you are better off without him, but I can understand that you must be really hurting and have no idea what to do.
As an outsider I would say cut your losses, be tough, sell the ring and make no effort to contact.
I realise this is much easier said than done especially as you must still be reeling from the loss of your Dad.
You should speak to Kirsty O she's in a slightly different situation, but is having a really tough time too. You could help each other.
I'm so sorry xxxx

I think he's done you a massive favour!!

He's saved you the bother of breaking up with the lying rat, and he's left you with an engagement ring! Take it to a pawn brokers, and use the money to buy yourself something nice.

I hope you find yourself someone nice- there are some lovely men out there, you just have to get past the toads to find them.

xxx

Allie, I remember the trouble you were having last year.

It sounds like he's playing games to control you. And with control comes power - that's his aim.

It won't be the first time that he has done this. People's behaviour falls into patterns. I'm pretty sure he's spun those lies before and will continue to do so, every time he comes across someone who he perceives as being vulnerable, and someone (or a situation) that he wants control and power over.

At the moment, because of the relationship that you had with him (in the past) and because of the terrible circumstances surrounding your dad, it seems that you feel vulnerable, confused and lost. He's still calling the shots, if not by actually being in your life, then by being inside your head (which is worse in many ways, I know).

Really *you're* the one who is in control here. You decide what you do, who you speak to, who you spend time with, how you spend your money...

The ring is yours. Have a think and do with it what you will. If you want to sell it, good. If you want to give it away, good also. If you want to throw it away, good. All those options are fine, if that's what you want to do, and there are probably a lot more that you can come up with. It's totally your decision and your choice.

Also, on a practical level, have a good think about what you want to do if he tries to get in touch. If he emails you, can you bounce the email back? Can you block him on Facebook?

And have an action plan if he tries to call you up. Decide what you're going to say, print it out in big letters and stick it above your phone to remind yourself. I'd go for something short and emphatic, something like "I don't want to speak to you. Don't call me'.

And also practise saying it out loud. Keep your voice even and low. Imagine him saying all sorts of stuff back at you, to try and get a reaction, and practise saying your phrase back at him in an even and low tone.

When the phone rings, take a second to collect your thoughts and realize that it might be him. Remind yourself of what you're going to say, and *then* pick up the phone.

There isn't a limit of how many times you can say your phrase. You can say it over and over and over again. It can even be the only thing you say to him in a 5 minute phone call. In fact, the more times you say it, the more he will realize you're beyond his control.

My dad is a nasty, nasty piece of work, and this is the tactic I'm using if he ever tries to get in touch with me (I think he won't though, as he knows I'm out of his control). The more you assert yourself the less this awful person will try to hassle you.

[Modified by: ally2009 on February 28, 2010 12:16 PM]

I know I am better off without him. What makes things worse is he has caused so many problems between me and my parents and friends. I am just worried that he will accuse me of stealing the ring because it won't be the first time he has accused someone of stealing things off him, though he has never threatened me with stealing anything before.

He even went on my email to see what I had been telling people and to make matters worse went on my friend's email to find out what I had been saying to them. I think he managed to get their password because he was in the room when I was helping them with something on the internet and he heard them tell me the password.

I found this on his Facebook page and it just sums him up completely "You like to move fast and evade. You delegate easily and are okay with others taking the hits for you. You like to be the center of attention. When you do well, you are happy to take all the credit, but when you don't do well, it's usually someone else's fault."

I am sure he has mental problems and they have got worse. He is delusional and I know he has mental problems because I heard his brother tell him on the phone that he shouldn't use someone as a way of dealing with his emotional problems.

Well at least now I don't have to worry about being sued, going to jail and him killing himself over me. All things he has threatened me with.

I now have a happy life with work and going ballroom dancing, which I love and don't need him in it.

He's using fear to try and control you. He's pinpointed the things that you're really frightened of (perhaps most frightened of) and is using them to control you.

And it's working, you're still frightened of what you *think* he can do, of the power you *think* he has. In this way, he's till got control and power over you. Power and control demand love and respect (in his eyes at least).

For as long as this pattern continues, he's still in control and feeding off the energy you're giving out.

One way to deal with this is to change the pattern/energy. Instead of giving off fear and negativity, offer complete and utter indifference. Power and control are what turns him on, what he gets off on, and the opposite of power and control is indifference. The opposite of love and respect is indifference.

You don't have to be indifferent to his face, although you can be if he calls you up, or tries to get in touch with you. But you can send out that vibe to 'the world' (to get a bit hippieish about it) and that will cut his negative energy off, stone dead.

He'll get it, real quick, that you're outside of his sphere of control and drop you, like a burning coal.

Hi, I just wanted to say I agree wth the other posters...I was once in a very controlling relationship (even though I would like to think I'm a strong confident woman - it can happen to us all), and until something happened which made me so angry I had to walk away, I was always 'vulnerable' around him and allowed him to control me. From the moment where I decided I'd had enough and stood up to him, and as someone said, 'became indifferent' to him, there was a complete reverse in power, and it was such a great feeling to see him try and use his normal tricks to control me, and even better, to see his reaction when he realised it wasn't working. You don't realise when you're in the relationship, but your reactions are what is feeding him...he needs to make you feel scared and controlled - the moment that stops, they lose everything. Be strong and don't let him take up any more of your time. Sell the ring, use the money toward a holiday, enjoy the feeling of being your own person again, and look forward to meeting someone who truly does deserve you. I now have the most wonderful man, who treats me like a princess, and most importantly, we have trust, respect and love - exactly what you will have in your next relationship...

Xx

[Modified by: Expatbridetobe on February 28, 2010 12:57 PM]

Oh my gosh it's YOU!!

I thought about you so much since you last posted!

I am so so happy that it looks like you're over! I say post the ring back to him recorded delivery if you're worried about him reporting it stolen and have a huge party. Tell your friends to change their passwords and block him on your facebook.

This should be the happiest day of your life! Congratulations for not marrying that piece of crap!!

xxx

[quote]I think he's done you a massive favour!!

He's saved you the bother of breaking up with the lying rat, and he's left you with an engagement ring! Take it to a pawn brokers, and use the money to buy yourself something nice.

I hope you find yourself someone nice- there are some lovely men out there, you just have to get past the toads to find them.

xxx[/quote

Ditto, couldn't have put it better myself, the ring is your's it was a present ...nothing he can do about it...even if he took you to court, they would laugh at him!!

You're well out of it!!!!

I did hear from the immigration lawyer as my ex is American and he said that as he hadn't heard from me for months he was assuming that I didn't want to go through with the immigration. He also said that talking to my ex confirmed that so he was closing the file.

The thing is I haven't heard from him since March 2009 and when I did talk to my ex he never said he had been in contact with the lawyer. I have been kept totally in the dark since last March till now.

I did reply to the lawyer saying I hadn't contacted him because I haven't heard from my ex since last October and with my dad dying I was glad he was closing the file. I still haven't heard anything from him though.

I wonder if he was annoyed about me not just marrying my ex last March. He told me that to make the process go faster I had to marry my ex before I left for England and I could have my ex's friends there but I wasn't to tell my family or friends or even immigration which I thought was wrong.

I feel let down by him regarding all this because he told me things on the phone that apparently weren't feasible when I saw him in person with my ex.

All I wanted was acknowledgement that he had got my email and was closing the file but I have heard nothing. I just wonder if nothing was being done and I was being lied to about him going to do the immigration.

I am glad it is over but I feel let down by someone who was supposed to be helping me. It is hard now knowing what will happen and I still feel like I can't carry on with my life incase the lawyer didn't close the file.

Any more advice would be helpful.

Hey AllieG, I remember some of your posts from last year.

I think you've been done a huge favour to be honest as was he not treatening to sue you if you did not marry him? We all gave you lots of advice about going to Citizens Advice and changing your phone number etc. It sounds like that's worked and you're now well rid of him. I'm glad it is over too and hope you can get on with your life now xxx