My Dad is having an affair.

I'm due to get married in six months and was getting so excited about it, then a couple of days ago... a bombshell.

I discovered my Dad, who's been married to my mum for 30 years, has been having an affair for a long time. They've been on holiday together and all sorts... it seems to have been a full-on double life. He'd been going AWOL for some time and generally acting really weird so I did some digging and found enough evidence to confront him. I told him that he'd better tell mum before I did, so he told her.

I can't believe it's true. I didn't want it to be. Judging by what I found, he seems to be in love with this woman, although I'm not sure he would've left my mum unless I'd outed him.

Now me, mum and my younger sister are struggling to cope with everything. We've always been a really close family and it's come as a total shock, despite the signs being there. We've been helping each other through our emotions which is quite a comfort.

However, I can't even bring myself to speak to my Dad. Right now I feel like I never want to see him again, let alone have him at my wedding. I'd always imagined how the day would be with him there... with us getting ready, the trip to the church, giving me away, the speeches, the dancing, everything. I've told him I don't want him there and he said he understood. Haven't heard from him since.

Was I right to say that? I just feel like he's betrayed us so badly and clearly doesn't value the important of marriage being for life. Acting like happy families with our family and friends would feel like a lie.

Is there anyone else out there who's been through something like this? I need to talk to someone so badly... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin our big day because of what he's done...

Thanks all,

p xx

I'm due to get married in six months and was getting so excited about it, then a couple of days ago... a bombshell.

I discovered my Dad, who's been married to my mum for 30 years, has been having an affair for a long time. They've been on holiday together and all sorts... it seems to have been a full-on double life. He'd been going AWOL for some time and generally acting really weird so I did some digging and found enough evidence to confront him. I told him that he'd better tell mum before I did, so he told her.

I can't believe it's true. I didn't want it to be. Judging by what I found, he seems to be in love with this woman, although I'm not sure he would've left my mum unless I'd outed him.

Now me, mum and my younger sister are struggling to cope with everything. We've always been a really close family and it's come as a total shock, despite the signs being there. We've been helping each other through our emotions which is quite a comfort.

However, I can't even bring myself to speak to my Dad. Right now I feel like I never want to see him again, let alone have him at my wedding. I'd always imagined how the day would be with him there... with us getting ready, the trip to the church, giving me away, the speeches, the dancing, everything. I've told him I don't want him there and he said he understood. Haven't heard from him since.

Was I right to say that? I just feel like he's betrayed us so badly and clearly doesn't value the important of marriage being for life. Acting like happy families with our family and friends would feel like a lie.

Is there anyone else out there who's been through something like this? I need to talk to someone so badly... I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin our big day because of what he's done...

Thanks all,

p xx

omg!! It's awful isn't it - it doesnt matter how hard you are it feels like your entire world has been ripped apart!! I don't know how your parents are going to deal with this but my dad had an affair (that lasted 18 months) about - 3 years ago?!

it was AWFUL!! but now my parents (who stayed together) are 100% stronger than before!! they actually have a relationship now instead of just 'existing' in the same space!!

what are they talking about?! what has your dad said about this other woman?! does he want to be with her or your mum??!!

((((((((((BIIIIG HUGS))))))))))))) xx

Honey how awful for you!

There have been many brides on here who have sadly gone through the same thing. I will have a hunt later for you and see if I can send you the links.

I think you're being rreally strong. Just focus on your mum, she'll need you right now.

xxx

didn't want to read and run huni
i haven't been in this situation but i am sending you big hugs.

I think you did the right thing by confronting him. I can understand how difficult things are for you and your family right now. I am glad you are able to support and comfort each other through this and the wedding may give your mum something to focus on to help her through this time.

i am sure one of the lovely ladies on here will be along to give you some good advice and support as they have done with me ober the past few weeks.

if you want a rant feel free to email me at any time i am willing to listen if you want a rant

lots of love and support xxxxx

if you dont want to 'talk' on here please feel free to email me - Ruth : ) xx

Hi hunny ...this must be awful for you especially with your wedding coming up....I'm here if you need to talk x

Hi hun

I can completely sympathise with you and know exactly what you are going through. In July 2008, my mum confessed to having an affair, after 30 years of marriage to my dad. She told us on the Sunday, moved out on the Monday and I've not seen her since. She has made no attempt (Apart from a recent facebook request) to talk to either me, my sister or my nan, and is living with this bloke who she was seeing behind my dad's back. My dad is a brilliant lovely man, and totally didn't deserve it at all, and I felt exactly the same as you. I too imagined my wedding day as a happy family. It's really really difficult, as my mum isn't even aware im engaged. What you are feeling now hun is completely normal. I have so so many questions that I want answering, but I still feel hurt and betrayed, and I've made several attempts to contact my mum with no response. She recently tried to add me on facebook, but before I had chance to respond the friend request disappeared. So to cut a long story short, she isn't going to be there. At the end of the day hun it's completely your choice, but if you feel like you're going to be on tenterhooks and upset all day, is it worth it? You want your day to be special. In my situation, I'll be aware that she isn't there, but everyone else I love and care about will be. When do you get married? I really do understand how you are feeling hun. It's getting on for two years now and it still feels raw. If you want to talk anytime just email me.
Big hugs

Kelly xxx

hello im going through similar. Parents have been married for 36 years, everything is fine.. then 2 months ago i find out my dad has been having an affair with a girl younger than me!!! Im 27, she is 26 and he is an old man!! (62 years old)... its sick!! anyway it all came out and i feel like im in a living hell... she is brazillian and obviously after his money (she has a 6 year old kid) yet has him twisted around her finger and he is currently with her in brazil!!! Im getting married in 1 month today... i have no idea if he will come back for the wedding and if she does im worried cos i cant even look at him i hate him so much, let alone let him walk me down the aisle!! Yet i dont know if i will regret it in a few years looking back at photos with him not being there so im totally confused. This is supposed to be the happiest and most exciting time of my life in the run up to my wedding and he has ruined it and caused me so much anxiety! I feel very bitter and over sensitive to stupid stuff... the worst thing is not knowing what the next 31 days bring and im so angry with him i could scream!!!!!!! u are not alone xx

Oh hun, I'm so so sorry for you - what an awful position to be in...

I think it may be a bit rash to make any decisions about excluding your father with regards to the wedding whilst emotions are so high and the shock hasn't quite worn off. I understand that you feel like you'll never be able to forgive him right now, but when the news has sunk in a bit, you may feel that the hurt you feel at him not being there would be worse than the hurt you feel that he's done this to your mum etc.

I also think that whilst he's split up the family and has hurt you all tremendously - remember that you are also feeling protective of your mum right now, but what should be between them should be left between them. Try not to get too involved in the marital difficulties. I am by no means saying don't be angry, hurt or disappointed in your dad, but I do think that your parents will sort this out between themselves, one way or another, whatever the outcome.

Give it a couple of months before you ban him from the wedding completely - you may end up regretting that decision and not being able to take it back. If in a couple of months time, you still feel the same, fair enough - but don't make any decisions based on what you are feeling right now xx

Hi there
I'm not a regular poster on here and was about to log off when I saw your post. I had to comment as I went through something very similar. My dad had been having an affair for two years by the time my mum found out. I was 17 at the time and my sister was 10. Its definitely not an easy thing to go through, regardless of where you are in your life, but I can imagine that with so much else on your mind it only makes it harder.

For my part, I really didn't speak to my dad very much for about a year after. I felt that he had betrayed all of us, not just my mum, by choosing to spend time with someone else that he could have spent with us. We had a very close relationship until then and even 8 years later its never quite got back to what it was, although it is much better now.

I can't tell you what to think or do and I can very much understand why you said you didn't want him there but it may be that by the time your wedding comes around your feelings will be slightly different, even if you still don't want him to play the important part that you intended.

I really hope that he gets in touch with you, I think that its definitely his place to make the first move. I'm not sure what else to tell you but if you want to chat ever, please feel free.

Thinking off you. I hope you are ok xx

Thanks so much for your replies, ladies. I appreciate it so much. I'm still a bit new to all this how do I message people directly?

p xx

Hi psychoginga,

If you need to chat, email me - I've been through something similar and I know how hurt you're feeling.

Leah - FS xx

PS people have an email button at the bottom of their posts for private messaging though some people don't have it switched on xx

[Modified by: FlyingSquirrel on January 09, 2010 11:30 PM]

I agree with the advice on here, give yourself time to sort out how you feel x

Thanks all. What if I don't have my Dad there? Does that mean my grandparents and Uncle shouldn't come either? (ie his family?). It'd be a bit weird, but I'm not sure.

Also, me and H2B are getting married in the same church my mum and dad were married, for that reason... I'm worried it'll upset my mum going back after all this happening. Should I move venue?

Ugh, so many questions. And I thought saving up for it all was going to be the hardest thing to deal with... how wrong I was! :S xx