MIL driving me crazy!!

I have to vent my frustration on here and would welcome any advice as really don't want to fall out with anyone.....

My H2B has asked that his mum be included in the wedding planning and without thinking I said yes as she has had only boys so hasn't had the whole going with daughter to try dresses on experience. I kindly asked her that when I decide to start looking round for dresses (not getting married until 2012) , she is more than welcome to come with my mum and me. From the minute I asked her I knew it was a mistake.

I was trying to keep her up to speed with the style of dresses that I like at the weekend so showed her some pics that I have saved. All I got was "ooh no that looks like a net curtain" and then she spotted one she liked and you would have thought she was the one who was gettiing married "Oh no...that's it. I have found THE ONE!" er... excuse me? The funny thing was that I have chosen to go down the lace dress route, I think they're beautiful. His mum said "oh I'll show you my outfit" so looked it up and funnily enough, despite her thinking a full lace dress resembles a net curtain....she has picked a lace dress for her to wear!!!!! I gritted my teeth and listened to her input or at least made it look like I was whilst my H2B was blissfully unaware, engrossed on watching the football.

Then yesterday I brought up the subject of us going to visit the venue that we like and said (as we don't have a car) could he ask his mum to borrow theirs when we go? I then quickly added and could we please go by ourselves as I want it to be just me and him, and not his mother, initially to see if we like it and then we can arrange for other family to see it at a later date. All I got was "oh you know what she's like, she will want to come and if we borrow the car I can't not ask her". So my feelings don't seem to count? I couldn't be bothered to argue and just left it open ended and repeated how I felt.

Do you think I am being really unreasonable? I only plan to do this once and I don't want people sticking their noses in. If I want advice I'll ask for it. I know it's important to my H2B but I don't want to feel pressured into including her in things that I want to be up to us. It also worries me that if she's like this now, how will it be in 2 years time????

Sorry that was a hell of a rant but needed to get it off my chest as apparently H"B's mother can do no wrong....why are men like that with their mother's? x x

I completely sympathise with you, I'm having very similar problems!

We've only been engaged for two weeks and she's already told us that 2013 is too far away (we've now decided on 2012 anyway), we shouldn't be looking for venues more than 15 bloody minutes away because it's an inconvenience for people and I should re-think my flowers. Thos are just a few of the comments I've had.

She also spend out engagement dinner telling my Dad that we were going OTT (we aren't in the slightest!)

I think it's just a case of being firm but polite, H2B's Mother only has 2 boys as well so I was planning on involving her too but ultimately it's about making the experience enjoyable for you, like you say you only get to do this once (hopefully!)

Can't really give much advice but I've found switching my brain off when she starts going on really helps! Just take deep breaths, nod politely and then go away and feel free to ignore whatever she says, you're definitely not being unreasonable!! x

Sounds like you're getting really wound up and just need to let it go - you have to accept some input and excitement from your MIL2b, and if you do, you'll find yourself less stressed and irritated when she makes suggestions and gives her opinion. Otherwise every time she says anything you'll be hating her for it!

My MIL2b is also very full on and she can be inconsiderate about what she says and blunders in doing stuff without my permission. She nearly bought me some wedding invitations from M&S the other day 'because they were so cheap' (yeah, thanks) but she said she realised it might be going a bit too far.. I didn't say anything but I just smiled!

Then this weekend she started going on about BM dresses and picked out a whole load of BM dresses that were totally out of the budget, right in front of my BMs! That was really embarrassing. I tried to explain I saw some at a wedding shop from the same company and they were £250, and then my H2B, who wasn't paying attention, called me a bridezilla, which really f'ing annoyed and upset me for ages, as of course everyone started calling me that afterwards. Thanks, dear. Then, she made my BM phone the wedding shop in front of everyone and when they turned out to be £150 instead of £200 (still £50 over) she actually stuck her tongue out at me in triumph and did that thing where you stick your thumb on your nose and waggle your fingers, saying 'yeah! See!' at me. So I had a crappy day that day, but I think she just gets overexcited.

You just have to let them have their moments really...

Thanks Cristie86, it's nice to know people are in the same boat! I am usually fairly good at being able to switch off to things but it's not so easy when your H2B is right in the middle of us and it almost feels like he would rather please his mum instead of me. I think that's what's really got up my nose about it. I hope yours calms down a bit and lets you two make some more of the decisions.

I will try the firm but polite route : ) thanks x x

Belease, I know what you're saying...she does have a right to be excited about it but there is a way of doing that without trying to dominate things. My mum is usually bad enough at this but has decided (as she knows how I can snap) to take a back seat and make my own decisions. Well that is until I have both of them shaking their heads at me when I start trying dresses on! Can't wait.

I know exactly what you mean about suggesting all the expensive things. We have told her what the budget is but then keeps suggesting getting invites from Madalay (when I priced them up they were going to be £500 +!) and other luxeries that we simply cannot afford. This will mainly be a self funded wedding as both my parents are retired but H2B's parents have said they "will help", not sure what that means though??

Maybe I should be grateful that someone is taking interest after all, nobody that I talk to now we've got over the "just engaged" period seems to want to know....hence why I joined here!!

Hope things impove for you Belease, I would be pissed off too if I were called that and have to contend with childish behaviour from a middle aged woman!! x x

My original plan was to spend about 6k and have the reception in the church hall, with caterers and some homemade stuff. But then FIL2b told me the reception was too close and we needed to break the day up, and MIL2b threw a total fit and kept saying 'it's my day, it's my day, I don't want to worry about anything' after I asked her to make a cheesecake! Ugh.

Sounds like we'll both be having fun over the next few months - and I keep thinking 'what will happen when we have kids?!'.

Hugs to you anyway, best to grin and bear it. How close are you to her? I live 2 and a half hours from mine, ha!

OMG!! That has put things in perspective! Although I do think that MIL2B may be confused as to who is getting married. A part of me feels like I'm marryng her!

I don't know how you are coping with yours especially after that comment...her day????huh?? maybe get one of your BM's to pop to M&S on the morning of the wedding for cheesecake shop?

Thanks for the hugs, hugs back! I have been thinking the exact same thing seriously! What happens when we have kids and you start to get "oh you shouldn't do it like that, do it like this" scenario! Scary isn't it?!

She is about a 10 minute drive away : D Aren't I lucky?!

I might have to start that little mantra in my mind...grin and bear it, grin and bear it....... x x

I think mine thinks she's marrying herself! ;0)

I did get peed off after that 'my day' crap, but luckily her daughter was there and started going 'what the heck are you talking about, it's not your day!'. Then I consoled myself with the fact that whatever I'm going through it'll be twice as bad for SIL2b! I'm just directing her interest to serve my own purposes at the moment - pick something you're not fussed about and put her in charge of it. She can do whatever she wants then! It's harder at the beginning with all the massive decisions like venues etc, but when you get to the smaller stuff you really don't need to mention half of it!

10 mins away, oh dearie me!

Bloody hell, a simple "No thanks" would have sufficed. I thought it was bad when my parents had a screaming fight about (I kid you not) whether there should be a reception line.

I know, weddings make people crazy! This was the cheesecake she made before and then stashed in the freezer for months, so I thought it would be perfect to make ahead. But not on her special day, of course!

OMG! Mrsfaulkyto be its like you wrote this on behalf of me!

I'm in that boat too! My mil just has two boys too, my mum and I done the dress shopping bit but I invited my mil to come with us on our final trip before I decided on a dress, Im constantly trying to make an effort as my h2b thinks I hate her.......I dont, I just find her annoying at times and like you and makes things worse when h2b sides with her all the time:evil:

She's not a bad person there just things that she says/does that annoys me but of course its only me that sees it!

She kept saying I should get my dress off ebay and now she's looking at outfits for herself that cost £1000

Oh yeah and apparently we're getting our non existent children christened just to make her happy I dont think so. My h2b is really laid back but whatever his mum decides........that seems to be the right thingto do! Like you said it just makes things ten times worse. Sometimes I find myself thinking if she says white then I'm saying black

You are not being unreasonable, your wedding/marriage/life is about the two of you unfortunately she's always going to be in the background so make sure you stand your ground but in a nice way so that h2b cant say anything.

Mrs July! It's so nice to hear that you have had similar experiences, well not nice but....!

What's the awful thing is that like you said his mum is not a bad person, she's just very opinionated and willing to give advice I suppose. The hardest part is bringing up instances with my H2B and he looks at me like I have just uninvited her to the wedding or something and it makes me look really petty.

I never thought for a second that you would have to worry about so many other people when it's supposed to be your day. It kind of takes a bit of the excitement away but maybe once all the planning starts to go ahead I will feel alot different.

I don't understand all this protective mum/son thing. If H2B had a problem with how my mum was being then I would respect that. Argh!! x x

Hi mrsfaulkytobe

I often let it slip to my h2b about how is mum has annoyed about something, I dont knwowhy I do it but I just have to get it out my system but of course as you'll know he's not the right person I should be ranting too as he end up just making me feel like I'm the bad guy:roll:

I would love for my h2b to moan about my parents, I think i'd actually faint.......i'd be like oh my God you are your human afterall
I moan about my own mum and dad as its natural, I've never heard him once moan about his

I think its just in our nature not to completely get on with our mil's

Hmm wouldn't life be so much better without MIL's! I really dislike mine after she got engaged 2 days before us when she knew full well we had planned it and she was telling everyone on christmas day that she had got engaged when it was the same day we got engaged!! And then on Boxing day we went to a family get together and everyone knew that we had got engaged because of his mother.

We are yet to get a congratulations card off anyone (sigh)

Steph xx

Arghh another case of the dominatrix mil! All I can say is, I've been there, bought the t-shirt and will probably carrying on buying the t-shirts into the near future. I can't help thinking it's a mistake to include mils in these things, but I may be biased.

I'd slowly try to stop her getting involved by making excuses for things. Just let her have control of the things you don't care about like napkin designs or something! Good luck xxx

Take a deep breath! If you allow your MIL to start winding you up already it will lead to mega rows with h2b and extra stress you don't need. (Yes talking from experience!) It's nice that they want to get involved - you can politely take their opinion but as long as you don't allow them to dictate they can say what they want and then you can do your own thing.

Just think that your h2b is a man who wants an easy life and probably doesn't understand what the problem is!