Baby Blues (NWR)

You all may think I'm being stupid in this, but I'm quite hurt.

As I've mentioned before, I'm about to become a Grandma and it's my first grandchild. My son and his partner have a new baby coming in early July. I can't wait! The 3 of them will be existing on one wage and my son isn't that shrewd with money. In fact, not only is he rather wasteful at times, but also he can be a bit selfish, to be honest.

I asked him what he would like me to get for the new baby. His response was "Well what do you have in mind, Mam?" I said I could get them a pram, but if they wanted a brand-new one, then it would be probably ALL I'd be able to get them. I went on to say if they would accept a 2nd hand pram (and I'd make sure it was a decent one of course - in immaculate "as new" condition!) I'd also be able to get them a few other things - basically they'd get a bit more from me for their baby if they were willing to have a 2nd hand pram & cot. But I was still willing to buy a brand-new one if that was what they preferred. My son was all for my going straight ahead, but I suggested he spoke to his partner. The fact my son might be happy with a 2nd hand pram didn't mean to say that the baby's mother would be and I didn't want to offend anyone.

Anyway, he didn't get back to me so I phoned him today and asked if he'd spoken to his girlfriend. He hadn't and then asked (again!) what I had in mind for getting the baby. I started by saying a pram. He immediately cut in and said that a pram was spoken for. I asked who was getting it, thinking it was his girlfriend's parents. He said "Catherine". That's his late father's widow. They've been visiting her a lot and having her over for meals and stuff since his Dad died last July. When he first told me he was going to be a Dad, he added that I'd be Grandma K------ (emphasis on surname - not to differentiate between me and his girlfriend's mother, but between me and his father's widow - he didn't say that but I knew - and remember, she has the same surname as the baby will have).

And he'd not even spoken to his partner to ask if she wanted a brand-new pram or a really nice 2nd hand one which meant I'd also be able to buy a few other things for the baby. But either way, it would've been a pram from ME, the grandmother. I'd not have been upset if it was the other BLOOD grandmother buying the pram. My unborn grandchild's mother is a lovely girl and I get the distinct impression that her parents are a lot more financially secure than Earl and I but I have no problem with this at all. Even if they bought some really expensive stuff for the baby that put anything from me in the shade, I'd still not mind at all.

But the pram is what everybody SEES when the parents are first out and about with the new baby. If the pram is not bought by the child's parents themselves, it's bought by the grandparents. And I personally feel that she's jumped in a bit quickly there, either that or she's suggested it tentatively then he's seized the opportunity to have something from her, as to him she may represent his baby's link with his late father.

She's actually not well off at all to be honest. She had to borrow a 3 or 4 figure sum from her bank to be able to pay for her husband's funeral a few months ago. I'm amazed that's she's able to buy them a pram - whether it's new OR 2nd hand. And I'm not being bitchy here, but I feel it's going to be a brand-new one because you can't get something like a 2nd hand pram on weekly terms. Or she may even have a pram in her loft from one of her own children or grandchildren. She's estranged from them all as they didn't like my ex-husband and cut her out of their lives when she married him. (Now there's a surprise!) So it's either a brand-new pram OR a 2nd hand one that might've seen better days. If it's a very tatty old one, my son will still use it anyway to keep her happy. He'll push that new baby down the street in a wheelbarrow if his Dad's wife provided the wheelbarrow! Regardless of the condition & value of the pram though, I'm hurt that it's not coming from me. I wouldn't be in the least bothered if the baby's mother's parents were providing the pram, but since they live overseas, I feel they're more likely to send money.

I know it might seem petty to many of you but I'm pretty gutted about this. Earl understands how I feel. My own mother thinks I'm fussing about something unimportant and suggested that my oldest son means a lot to his Dad's widow as he's all she has left of her husband, my ex. My other 3 children hardly ever bother with her, but my oldest was close to his Dad.

Earl says we'll open a bank account for our new granddaughter (new baby's a girl) and possibly we'll not even TELL the parents! I said that we're definitely NOT going to be known as Grandma & Granddad K-------- not when the baby will have the same surname as Catherine who'll also be a "Grandma". We're going to be Grandma Bamba and Granddad Earl - that's more intimate than using surnames!

I'm still very, very hurt about this pram business though....

Bamba xx


[Modified by: Bambagirl on 12 March 2010 18:46:17 ]

aw Bamba I totally understand how you feel, if it was my mum she'd feel exactly the same as you are now. As a grandma you want to buy something special for the baby. Your son probably sees it as a gift from his dad rather than a gift from his dads wife to be honest but that doesn't and shouldn't change how you feel about it. Could you buy the baby's cot instead or moses basket? I'm sure the baby would get just as much use out of a cot as she would a pram and then you get to feel as if you're buying something special for your grandaughter.

big hugs xx

Well linzi, I actually wanted to buy more than one special thing for my first grandchild anyway. But the pram is the central item of baby equipment, isn't it? It's the pram which is the thing that everybody SEES! And people admire your baby and say "Aw, nice pram too!" and the proud Mam or Dad says "Her Grandma got her that ...."

But in this case it's the step-Grandma - widow of the grandfather that's now deceased. When his own children were young (my kids), he bought them nothing at all. The laughable part of it is this, if he were still alive, that baby would be getting VERY little, if anything at all. December 2008 he sent for each of his 4 children to go over to his home to collect their Christmas presents - he'd not bought them Christmas presents for years - ANY of them. But he knew he was dying and he wanted to see his kids.

I know I sound bitter and in a way I can see that his widow, who adored the ground he walked on, wants to do this as it means a lot to her. She's not stupid and she's well aware he wasn't up to scratch as a husband when he was married to me. She even admitted to me she had a few problems with him herself in the early days.

I'm trying to think of her charitably, that she wants to make some effort as a sort of tribute to her late husband and also make some kind of gesture that it can be seen as being from him as well. It's his first grandchild too - Catherine is his 3rd wife and he has a son to his 1st wife that's now nearly 37 but that one has no children. I was the 2nd wife of my children's father.

There's nothing really I can do. My son KNOWS Catherine is quite hard up, so this means he will make a lot of her gift to his baby. I'm in quite low-paid work but Earl earns well. I know this isn't about being competitive but I feel that anything we get for the new baby, even if it's lovely and cost us a lot, my son will rationalise and say "Mam's not too short of money, she and Earl are both working but LOOK WHAT CATHERINE bought for us! She got THE PRAM!" He spends a lot of time visiting his Dad's widow, inviting her round for meals etc... He's never been up here except for the wedding day, and Earl & I have never been invited round for a meal.

I guess I've still got a lot of unresolved anger inside myself over my ex. This grandchild, my first grandchid is so special to me. Earl and I married a year ago. He's been married before like me, but didn't have any children. I sort of "share" my kids with him - even though they're all grown-up. At nearly 52 (both of us) we're not going to have any of our own together!! But right from the outset, I was going to share grandparenthood with him. And now there's a grandchild on the way. I feel as though the late biological grandfather is doing this from beyond the grave! Staking his claim on this child via his widow!

And my son, ever his Dad's lad, is happily falling in with it!

Bamba xx

I have no kids but I know how excited I was when my niece was born (also my god daughter) and saved really hard (I was broke then) to buy loads of stuff.

I have no real advice but just wanted to say I can understand how you feel. I think you son obviously feels the need to stay close to his Dads widow - this will probably calm down in time. When my Dad died, I liked to talk to his friends a lot.

Could you invite them for dinner and perhaps they will return the invite? Or say so its your turn next and see what they say.

I do sympathise but unlike you I do not think I am great at giving advice x

i know how you feel, i would have loved to have bought my grandaugher a pram when she was born but my daughter didnt tell me she was pregnant, we hadnt spoken for a while (long story), i didnt see the baby till she was 3 months old and that hurt to i bought a second hand pram with a car seat for her as it was easier for me having the car, when i took it for her she said she didnt want it cos it was blue, so it only got used when i had morgan at mine, xx

I can understand how you feel, but do you think this could be more about your anger towards your ex-husband, than about the pram?
Realistically, no one is going to look at the pram and think "but Grandma Bamba didn't buy that..hmmm....". They just won't think that way. Personally, I wouldn't ever even question who'd bought the pram! I'd be too busy cooing over the baby!
I do understand the hurt, because I have my own issues with step-families, but you are still your son's mum, and nothing will change that.
It's sad that they want to name you Grandma K though; that doesn't seem very fair. You will still be Grandma however, and it's your love for the child that matters. What you are called won't change how your grandchild responds to you and the love you will no doubt give her!
I think starting a trust fund is a lovely idea. The baby won't know who bought the pram/cot/clothes...but once they are older, they will benefit from having some money put aside for them.
I hope you manage to work this out x

Oh cazzie36, I'm sure you were hurt when your daughter rejected your gift, children can be so cruel and thoughtless.

Catherine, the step-grandmother to be is a bit older than Earl and I, she was the same age as my ex-husband who was 9 years older than me. She is quite lonely and her own children decided not to bother with her when she married him. They live in other countries and she doesn't even know their addresses and doesn't get to see her own biological grandchildren. Her son and daughter probably don't even know that he has died. I do feel for her but I think this was thoughtless of her, nevertheless.

A lot of people have sympathised with the way I feel but one or 2 (including my own mother) don't think it's any big deal. And one friend said "Just be grateful that someone with no blood link still thinks enough of your grandchild to buy her a pram ...."

You may think I'm daft but a proud grandparent buying the pram is a sort of rite of passage to me!

Bamba xx

Perhaps Catherine feels so hurt by the rejection of her own children, that she's throwing herself into proving her worth as a "grandmother" with this child. Maybe she didn't know you were hoping to buy a pram?

Look at this from the outside point if view, blood is not relevant. So forget about that, I know it's difficult but I always believe that strong relationships go well beyond blood.

Back to the issue, sons don't seem to grasp the importance of these things. My husband always forgets to tell his parents things or tell me things!!

I know what you mean about the pram being the first thing people see but a baby needs so much more. Try and get involved in some other way x

Good point x

I think you need to think about the fact that your son is so committed to maintaining a relationship with his dad's widow, and look again at where you say that he would push a tatty pram with pride because it was a meaningful gift from someone without much in the way of money.

You have raised him to be a good, loving, considerate man, and he will thus raise his daughter to be good, loving and considerate also. That, from you, is a far more important gift than any pram or transient piece of baby paraphenalia.

Besides, despite the fact that my mum bought our daughter's pram, and has bought a new pram for this baby, I can't say that I ever made a point of telling anybody about it, even when they admired the pram. It just never seemed like their business.

Actually rue, I do feel she's very hurt to be cut out of her children's lives (& her grandchildren's). I've chatted with her on the phone (and she's not a bad person - I promised I'd hunt out some old photos of him for her and take them round some time).

But because my son hadn't seen his Dad for over 6 months when he died, he felt a little guilty and that's why he's been round to see her, and kept up contact. His siblings hadn't been round either for about the same period of time. In fact his 3 younger siblings weren't close to their father at all, and only made a few "duty" visits between April & December 2010 because they'd heard he wasn't long for this world. This is the father that never had any time for them when we all lived in the same house and we were split up for 10 years before he met his 3rd wife, Catherine. During the first 8 years of his marriage to Catherine he rarely made the effort to see them. They were unfortunately paying him back in kind.

As my ex deteriorated in his terminal illness, he could hardly speak. And when he was at the end stages, not able to even croak, he took a bit of paper and scribbled "My kids don't care about me - at all" - and passed this note to his wife. Catherine told me this, I was mortified. But I'd hinted to them a few times that they should go & visit their father. Unfortunately, my suggesting it probably had the opposite effect.

My oldest lad, the one that's about to become a father, can't do enough for his Dad's widow. His Dad was a musician in his younger days. My son has taken all the crackly old tapes and cleaned them up, transferring the music to a digital format and getting it on disk. Catherine is not technically-minded at all. He's done stuff with their wedding video (which he shot, by the way - yet couldn't be bothered to arrange a day off work for mine and Earl's wedding) and lot of other things like getting photos of his Dad scanned & copied & printed for her.

One of my friends who was actually sympathising with the whole situation of this new baby and the pram etc... suggested that he'd be sending CATHERINE a Mothers Day card. I will find out though exactly what has been said.

I'll just drive over to where he lives whilst he's at work when it's my day off. His pregnant partner will be home. She's a lovely girl and tells me all sorts of things. She quite likes Catherine but confided that when they go round there Catherine gets on her nerves by going on about him as though he's some kind of candidate for sainthood.

She'll open up and tell me anything I want to know, without me asking. She's a lovely girl. And I think she realises that my son, her partner might be working through his grief over his Dad by making a fuss of his widow. Poor soul has no-one, I realise that. My own mother said that my son is all she has left of her husband.

Bamba xx