Dad gettng worse over wedding - dunno what to do!

Hi girls, sorry if its a long one

Some of you know what's been going on for those that don't I'll get you up to speed

H2b and I have been together since we were 17 and while we were in uni we took a little break to work out what we wanted. We realised we wanted to be together and moved into an apartment together. In October 2007 h2b proposed. I was over the moon and that evening we began wedding planning. The following day I phoned my Dad to tell him and I said quote "**** proposed last night" and my Dad's response was "hope you said no". He went on a rant of how I was too young and how we had a break so were obviously not right for each other etc. So we decided to put the wedding off for a bit.

So Christmas 2008 we decided to start wedding planning again. We set the wedding date for August this year and began organising stuff. We went to tell my family and when I told them my Dad's response was "thank God, I thought you were gonna say you were pregnant". We talked and he seemed ok. So we went ahead with the planning. I ordered my dress and set date with church and was about to book the reception venue when he asked to talk to me. He kicked up a fuss and said we were too young and that if we waited till I was 25 he would pay for the wedding. We didn't want that but agreed that if we put it back to 2011 he would give us whatever we saved so basically doubling our money.

So wedding planning went on hold and last summer we began looking again. We found a great venue and I found a great company that did wedding horse and carriages. We spoke to my family again and my Dad refused to talk about it and declared he was having nothing to do with it. So with a slashed budget we began planning again and since last autumn we've been slowly planning. We've booked reception, church, cars and flowers and arranged photographer and yesterday the bridesmaids dresses arrived yesterday but as the wedding's got closer my Dad seems to have got worse

A week ago Sat my parents (Dad and step-mum) came over for dinner and my step-mum was great and we talked flowers, dresses and colour schemes and how to decorate the venue. When my Dad excused himself to the bathroom by step-mum admitted he kept elbowing her everytime we started a new convo and that she will be in trouble. I've tried to talk to him about the wedding since and phoned to arrange a meeting (he's a bit weird and never answers the phone so have to leave an answerphone message) and asked him to call me to arrange when I could talk to him. I've spoken to him since and when I bring it up he just changes the subject.

I've always wanted him to walk me down the isle as my mum died when I was a kid and he's really all the family I have left. This weekend just gone I went to a friend's wedding and it was beautiful and he family were so supportive and happy for her. I realised I am terrified that my Dad will ruin the wedding (if he even shows up) as my uncle got married in 2008 when I had failed my final yr at uni (I retook it and graduated last yr) but my Dad got completly smashed and told everyone how disappointed in me ans that was just over a little mistake that's now rectified and I'm worried he's gonna be worse over something that changes the rest of my life.

So it got me thinking and I'm not sure if I actually want him there as he's never supported us also I'm fed up of waiting, hoping that he'll come around and will be there on the day but I know he'll be making snide comments all day and I feel really confused

Is it wrong to not want him there? What would you do? Should I continue hoping he comes around and doesn't make a scene.

What should I do?
xxx

Hmmm, sounds like he's a very powerful (and pretty negative) figure in your life. And what strikes me about the way you describe him and the language that you're using (him 'making a scene'), he sounds like a demanding, stroppy child.

And at the same time he's denying you the adulthood which you so very obviously are seeking, and which you deserve (children grown up, they deserve to grow up into adults).

I think there are are a few possibilties here:
* you succumb to what your dad wants
* you carry on with your planning, trying to involve your dad and hoping 'he comes around' to it without 'making a scene'. You're essentially bargaining with your dad
* you decide to do what you want regardless

I'm sure the ladies here can come up with more possibilties. Those are the ones that spring to mind straight off.

Try and work out what each of the possibilities represent to you. Does the first one represent, say, complete submission to what he wants and denial of what you want? How does that make you feel? Or are you happy bargaining with him? You've already experienced how he can shift the goal posts, are you prepared for more of that (once a pattern is established in a relationship it's very difficult to break it, especially with a parent)? Is there one possibility that makes you feel empowered and like an adult? What is the price of that?

Just because 'other people' have done things a certain way, doesn't mean that you have to. Just because 'tradition' says that a father should walk his daughter down the aisle, doesn't mean that you have to. I would start questioning everything, about his behaviour towards you, his behaviour towards your h2b, his wife etc. And question what you want from your wedding too. It's painful, but you're intelligent and articulate, and you deserve to be regarded and treated as the adult that you very obviously are.

Hope that helps x




[Modified by: ally2009 on March 11, 2010 05:34 PM]

Your dad isnt being fair and isnt keeping his word even when you've compromised and delayed to please him... I think you should sit and write him a letter and very politely tell him how his behaviour is making you feel and that you really want his support at your wedding and if he cant give it he needs to make it clear so that you can find an alternative father figure for the wedding....well done for being so patient so far hun xxx

[Modified by: Mrs Giddy Daisyloz on March 11, 2010 05:40 PM]

Thanks for the advice girls. Thanks Mrs Giddy Daisyloz, the letter sounds like a really good idea (if he reads it). I did one before during a family crisis and he just binned it.
xx

Wow, that's *really* disrespectful!

Seems like that's where he thinks your feelings belong - the bin.

What a nasty, horrible thing to do. Who does he think he is?

[Modified by: ally2009 on March 11, 2010 08:04 PM]

I feel sorry for your H2B - you have let your dad dictate to you and control your life - keep to your plans this time and ignore your dad--your hubby is your new life, if you continue to let daddy rule your life, you could lose hubby 2 be.

The letter idea sounds good. Or since your dad refuses to speak to you about the wedding could you speak to your stepmum? She sounds quite supportive and maybe she could try to get through to him? xx

You Dad is completly wrong in how he has acted BUT in his own way he is doing this because he loves you. I don't think you should ban him from the wedding.

You do really need to have a firm chat with him about his behaviour though.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you xx

Just plough on with your plans hun. My dad hasn't even replied to my letter telling him i'm getting wed and i'm in my 40's so you could wait for ever!

Just quietly assert yourself as the independent adult that you are and he either adjusts to it or he doesn't....either way just quietly getting on with it will send the message that with or without him you are getting married. If he thinks you're needing his 'permission' or 'approval' to get married then he will use it against you.

At the end of the day it's your life and you're allowed to make your own decisions and yes make you're own mistakes. I had friends who married at 16 and they were told quite bluntly that it wouldn't last they have been married nearly 40 years.

My H2B's mum and dad got married and at the wedding reception her mum said it'll never last - thirty years on they are still together!

Just because they are older they don't have a crystal ball and if anything your father is making you more determined to do what you want.

Good luck hun, i know it's hard but you'll feel better doingit for yourself.

Your dad sounds like a very controlling man and you have been very patient while he has moved the goal posts several times. I would have totally gone mental at his attitude by now! It is lucky that you are even talking or wanting to talk to him about the wedding as a lot of people would have disowned him by now.
What does your h2b say about all this?

Fair enough, I can see that your dad wants the best for you but what is he so afraid of?

He needs to answer your questions about his attitude and I think you need to do it face to face. xx

I'd like to chip in here and say not all parents have the best interests of their children at heart. Some parents have their own best interests at heart.



I don't see how that's important. The important thing here is how the op feels.



Are his answers relevant or even important? I've found that whenever you have a problem, the answer is inside you. No need to go chasing after someone else for answers. And besides, he might never give you the answer that you're looking for, or even any answer at all. No, don't look to him for answers, look to yourself.

Work out how you feel and what you want, what's in your best interests, and then make a decision about how you're going to act, and carry it through.

My advice would be not to even bother trying the letter. You've already tried that, remember? He binned it without even reading it. That's how he deals with this. You already know.

As regards the wedding and the money...well, to me it seems that he's using the promise of the money to control you. I wouldn't even bother playing his game. I'd just have whatever wedding I could with your (as in you and your h2b's) money. Sure, it's always nice to have a bit more money as far as these things are concerned, but at the price he's asking? That seems way too high in my eyes.



[Modified by: ally2009 on March 12, 2010 09:04 AM]

Thanks girls. My h2b hates it as some discussions over wedding stuff has ended up with my Dad slandering h2b, even to point of saying his mum is controlling us with helping with wedding stuff (no idea what he means as h2b's mum has been nothing but supportive) and that h2b is a gold-digger and no good for me (even though h2b earns more than I do and has been nothing but great). We're carrying on with the wedding but its getting to the point of needing to know where Dad stands so when we start sorting stationary and suits we know where we stand and its frustrating always having to watch what I say to my step-mum as she gets it the neck when she talks about it.
xxx

I agree, ignore your Dad, I know it's hard but think of your poor H2B, he has already waited several years and your Dad isn't just affecting you it's affecting your H2B. Do what's right for the both of you x

Hi

Speaking from experiance, im 39 now. Parents arent always right (hope my kids dont read this lol) about our partners. If my mum had her way i would never have married my husband and our first child wouldnt have had his surname, as even as i was going out the door to register her birth she said...............you'll regret this and be left with a baby with a different surname as you (we had her b4 we got married). Now 21yrs on i have the same wonderful husband, 4 great kids - no mother in my life to interfere anymore as shes off on one of her many "im not going to speak to them for x amount of years" again. Its been 2 yrs in june and was 3 yrs last time that she fell out with us, think i stood up for myself and she didnt like it. She spoilt my wedding day by being there and sooooo glad when we renew our wedding vows in August that she wont be there this time. Think your dad is being very unfair and personally i wouldnt invite him due to his behaviour, its your special day and you should enjoy it.

xx

Thanks. I need to talk to him but don't know how. I tried going over yesterday and spent less than 2 mins there before he said he was busy and shoved me out the door.
xx