Tired with MIL and Mother!

Hi everyone,

I've not been on here much - to be honest I thought I'd just be on here mostly for tips about decorations/flowers etc. but recently I've just felt exhausted by the very idea of our wedding, and it's not even for another 15 months!

It doesn't help that I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant and am a bit stressed out because I want to book a venue before the baby is here (basically so I don't have to give it another thought for a year or so - the wedding that is not the baby!)

Anyway where to begin - ok I think money wise we are ok, as both our families have very generously offered to contribute to our wedding reception - we are splitting it three ways. However, my fiance's family is huge, far bigger than mine, and now my MIL has also asked him to add on relatives he hasn't seen for years, as well as ten of her own friends...I feel as though we can't say no because she is offering to contribute financially. But it does mean that I can't ask a few people I was planning to, and neither can my parents as we are out of numbers now with all of her friends. Their relatives and her friends take the guest list to around 60, which is half of the maximum we are having. It doesn't include my fiance's friends/work colleagues. Anyway, you can't help the size of a family, and I'd just about got my head around my MIL wanting her friends there too, when she then told us that we had to have canapes as that was a much better idea than an evening buffet - we'd told her we wanted an evening buffet after the meal and that we'd decided not to go for canapes. Meanwhile, my mother says we cannot NOT have an evening buffet - it is expected and only polite that we provide food for people that come in the evening - but there is no need for canapes.

Also, we haven't booked anywhere yet, though have somewhere provisionally on hold..I am keen to just pay the deposit on this place, so it is booked but my fiance keeps saying "what is the rush" and meanwhile I have my mother on the phone every few days asking if we have booked the final date yet. I know it is next year we're talking about but places do fill up, and I do'nt want to have to worry about it when the baby is here. To be honest with you, I am sick and tired of the whole bloody thing. I was never keen on a big wedding anyway, and it's grown into something beyond my control now with his huge family, my MIL's opinions and demands - another comment she made was "why are you having so many friends, that is so many people" when we told her we were planning to invite 8 friends (with partners) each. Also, now my mother won't stop harping on about us finalising the date - I can kind of understand it as my brother is also getting married next year around the same time, and we are trying to time the 2 weddings so family from overseas can come to both in the one holiday. But my fiance is just not really helping matters, keeps saying we should look at other places and try and get a better deal...thing is I like where we've provisionally booked (it's not extortionate) and doubt we will get a better deal really, as places charge what they charge. I said the only saving we might make is potentially a few hundred quid, to which he said "and that is a lot of money." I felt he was patronising me - of course I know it's a lot of money. I don't earn a lot of money myself...but all I meant was, in the grand scheme of things, if you're doing a wedding on a scale of around 120 people, £200-£300 is not a huge saving in regards to the stress levels of trying to get somewhere else booked and organised...sorry I'm probably not making much sense. I'm just sick and tired of the whole thing, and want to run away with him on my own (with our baby when it's here!) Then the morthers can eat canapes and evening buffets to their bloody heart's content.

any sane advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance - hope you're all having an easier time of it than me. I bet once the wee one is here I won't give a sh*t anyway!

... and breathe!
It sounds like everyone - especially the mothers involved - are getting ahead of themselves. You've not set a date, or booked a venue, yet already you're stressing over guest lists and what food to serve on the day?!
Firstly, I think you can wait a few more weeks until your baby is born to make any decisions. Then you need to politely but firmly remind them that it is your wedding - yes they are contributing, but if it means they want to dictate your every move, tell them thanks but no thanks. You can get some great last minute venue bookings saving you thousands, limit the numbers to include who you both want there, and manage it yourselves!
I really think for the sake of your health and your sanity, you need to put your foot down. You are going to be a mother in a matter of weeks and they are treating you like a child. x

Congrats on your little one!

Like you said once the baby is here all this will seem like nonsense but that doesnt mean you Mother and MIL should be able to take over and get there way.
Once you've booked a couple of things i.e. venue, photographer, registraar the rest can wait a while. There no need to rush into anything, I've been sitting bored waiting on time passing so I could do the next thing. So take a step back forget about your pain the ass Mothers and spend time with your Baby.
Please tell your Mothers to take a step back too! Its so easy to get carried away things.
Think its time to put your foot down. Its nice that both sides are helping financially but not so nice if there going to hold it over your head. They had their time, now this is your time. You and your h2b come first. Make sure you and h2b are inviting everybody that you want to share your day with first of all, then look at close family from each side and then if you have space left tell the mothers you can invite ten people each or whatever.

If your not getting a say over how your own wedding goes then why bother........tell them you and h2b will just end up having a private ceremony where no one will be invited.
Each time your the Mothers say you have to do something a certain way - just smile politely and say thanks for your opinion / advice.

Hi

Im lucky cus my MIL n mum are taking a back seat and only getting involved if we ask them their opinion or advice so its much more relaxed.

I would handle your situation by going back to basics with your H2B, sit down together behind closed doors, take the phone off the hook and go through your options.

Start from scratch - look at your venues, your guest list and between you both decide who YOU would like to invite, where YOU would like to hold YOUR special day and decide how many guests your mums can invite.

Decide on what family members you would both like to be their and say to your parents you can invite x number of guests as we only want people who actually mean something to us.

Sit down with your parents, explain how you feel and how exhausted this is making you feel, I am sure they will understand.

My H2B and I did exactly this as we felt we were pulling in different directions, both wanting something different n not knowing really what the other wanted, we both felt it was getting out of hand. After we had our "meeting" we both felt a lot better, it put our minds at rest that we felt the other knew what was important to us and now everything is running smoothly.


I have more hassle with my BM as we work together n she wants us to invite the whole team to our wedding! lol!

Thanks guys, I know you're right, I think I just came on here and let rip

You are right - I told my fiance yesterday that I wanted to finalise a date so it's just done. I think, in all honesty, he is a little scared of putting his foot down with his mother. She really rules the roost in the family home and it's a case of what she says goes. Which is annoying because I don't want to feel like we are pandering to her more than to anyone else.

Thank you for letting me take a step back and realising that it's all ridiculous when we've not even booked a venue! Although hopefully we will have that finalised soon.

I think a baby + wedding + working full-time in London and wrapping things up at work before maternity leave has been frying my brain a little. Hopefully things will settle down once the baby is here (yes, right!) But in any case, s/he will certainly put all this nonsense into perspective!

I dont think its ridiculous at all - anyone would be stressed out with both mothers bearing down on them like that!

I know you say h2b has big family but is this in terms of close family members or cousins and great aunts etc that he rarely sees? Does he actually want all these people at the wedding?

Like people said above i think you two will just need to sit down together and work out what the two of you want. When it is time to work out guest list start it with the people you want and then split anything that is left between the two families (clearly explaining to both that this is how it is and there is no option because that is maximum number for venue).
If you are splitting costs in three why should MIL get to choose half the guest list, that is nuts!
We have also had some issues with MIL wanting to invite all her friends, my h2b also doesnt like standing up to parents (he's the easy going one in the family while everyone else gets their way!) but when he saw how much it was upsetting me he did agree to tell his mum how it is. She was not happy but he said it in such a way as this is how it is, we've been very fair, end of story.

Good luck with baby and im sure things will fall into place