How do I cope?

I can't talk to anyone, haven't told my parents & friend yet so I thoght I post in here...just need to get it out
My fiance decided we're over today. 126 days to the wedding, nearly 4 years together. We had some problems in the past, loads of problems I had a very long commute but got a new job last week and believed we're sort everything out now I'll be home more and less tired. But we won't. He says he doesn't think he loves me anymore and although it is a very difficult decision, it is a "logical" one. I kn ow we're not perfect and we argued our share, but I do love him and can't imagine my life withought him
I moved to UK because of him, I moved to the countryside because of him. We bought our place last summer and can't move out (ideally) for the next 1.5 years!!! I can't be around him knowing it's over.
He's all i know, I grew up with him, i learnt everything I know because of him and our relationship.
He's sure it's a good decision and that we should go our separate ways because we're different.
I now feel so guilty and sorry that I complained all about money, stress, work etc I'm not like that normally but just has a really hard time... he has had depression for w over 10 years now and he says he need someone strong to support him and that I proved unable to do it... I really really want to but he says it's too late and we're too different. He says that I made him worse in recent months and he now needs to sort his life out and find himself again. Of course we're different but he's all I know I wanted our future together, everything together. I'm hoping he'll miss me but very scared it is really over. It can't be, can it???

Now I don't know what to do, how to work this, because I even moved jobs to be here and now I'll be coming back to our|"dream" home to find it just unbearable lonely place where we don't even kiss anymore

I can't stop crying... I want him back but I don't know if I can have him back It wasn't my decision, I still want to be together

Any advise please

xx

aww honey, hugs first of all you poor thing. Advice wise, im not sure. All i can say is give him the space he wants, give him a chance to miss you, but just try and prepare yourself for the fact it still may not work out. Do you have friends and family near by? can you go and stay with them for a few days? just try and keep yourself busy. really hope you are ok xxxxx

My H2B did this to me 18 months ago, but we weren't engaged then. Said I was a misery guts always negative and that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. We had 3 months apart with no contact and met up again. His jaw hit his chest not only had I changed my physical self but I had changed my mental self. Our relationship is 1000 times better then it ever was before.
Try and take some time apart, try to be positive. Don't sit crying infront of him. Make some time for yourself and make him realise what he is going to lose.

If I ever hear that bullshit excuse again of a man having to find himself, men are pathetic creatures who blame everyone around them when they cannot handle things and dont have the balls or the common sense to sort themselves out,never mind about him, what about YOU,your dreams have been smashed to pieces by this man, where does it say that you have to look after him, bloody cheek we can support our partners but we are not their nursemaids,do not punish yourself for things you have done in the past, I know your heart is breaking but stuff him, anyone that is capable of hurting you like this with these frankly pathetic tales of poor little me does not deserve you, can you stay with someone for a bit to FIND YOURSELF,I had all this crap from my soon to be ex hubby spineless bas tard.

Oh honey I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this. I was where you are now just under a year ago. It's been a complete nightmare but I'm still here to tell the tale. I've lost my best friend, my home, my pets, my job, moved back home to my parents...the works! But i've just started to re-build my life, get out and really figure out what I want and what makes me happy and do you know what...he has literally just text me as I'm writing this!! We've been back in contact for a few weeks after having a long time apart and I am still hoping that things will eventually work themselves out. Take care of you...cry as much of it out as you can. Spend time with people who love you and care about you and you will find a way to cope. I promise. Take care.xxx

I am really sorry to hear all you are going through honey. It sounds like he does need space at the moment but if you have a house together then someone will have to move out I guess?

I have to say it seems you have made a lot of effort and sacrifice for this guy and he hasn't repaid you back very well. I would be quite afraid of that to happen again if you had space and came back together again. His arguments don't seem very valid either. Of course, people are different and you support each other through life not one supports the other.... those are pretty crappy excuses.

Men can talk like this till they are blue in the face but I think you deserve to know the real reasons he wants to end the relationship, he may just have cold feet, it may be other reasons but I think you need to have a calm,rational talk together and see what you can find out.
Hugs and good luck xx

I'm sorry to hear this hun.

Where did you come to the UK from? Do you have family/friends who can support you?

I have to say though that you seem to have made BIG changes in your life because of him maybe you need to sit down and decided what YOU want and start moving towards that....men are notoriously fickle and they like independent women so if you start getting your life the way you want it then maybe he'll start to realise you're giving him what he's asked for.

I'm sorry you're so upset but as already said try not to sit around crying in front of him.

{HUGS}

I think you're missing a big point here - this guy suffers with depression. He's not using the 'bullshit' excuse as a way out of his relationship, but could it be that the OP hasn't been there in a way that he's needed?! That's not so say she's at fault, but just that their lives have moved apart instead of together. People with depression do need a lot of support and time, and appearing needy isn't always something within their control.

To the OP - only you can judge if he is "making excuses", or if you really have been heading towards this for some time. Also, if he does feel his depression is worsening because of your relationship, then perhaps some time apart will allow him to look at it more rationally, so he can weigh up whether it's your differences causing the problem, or if it's something he just hasn't managed well. I agree with jones2b - it could go either way and you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you might not be together. It will hurt like hell, but you will then have the time and focus to concentrate on you. xxx

If has got depression he can go to the doctor and get trated he is blaming this poor girl,he has said he does not love her, how is that got anything to do with depression,he is not that much in the depths of despair to not know what he wants, I do realise there are many with genuine depression but this one sounds ok just not getting the attention he thinks he should be getting,she is his partner fianceenot his nursemaid,carer, who is going to support her when she needs it, he seems to have avery clear picture of his needs and wants, and this poor girl has to pick up the pieces.Time aprt is a great idea especially for the girl to realise there is more to life than this sort of life.

My OWN EXPERIENCE OF DEPRESSION WAS THAT i DID NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, APPERANCE, EATING, WASHING, SLEEPING, NOTHING MATTERED, BUT THIS ONE SEEMS TO BE CHERRY PICKING THE GOOD BITS, AND BLAMING PEOPLE FOR NOT BEING SUPPORTIVE, YOU HAVE TO WANT TO GET BETTER YOURSELF FIRST, it is just that saying have to find myself really pisses me off the biggest cop out along with its not you its me crap. soory about the caps cannot be bothered to type again.

I know that I am going to get battered for this, but the way I see it, I am sure that there are many genuine cases of depression, but I am also sure that there is a whole lot of oh I am depressed when really they are just feeling a bit neglected and ignored, you cannot see depression, I have always been in the mind of there is always someone worse, no matter what drama or mishap has happened the only time I have crumbled is on the death of my father when I did have genuine thouhgt of ending it, but was not brave enough to do it, you only have to look around you to see tragedy the girl locked in her body who can only blink, our own carly o who is going thru hell at the moment.sometimes you need to hear about these things in order to give yourself a kick up the arse and say you know what my life is not so bad after all.

Clinical depression is a serious illness. What medication is he on? (not that this "proves" depression). I'm inclined to agree with Mercedes that he's found a good cop out to exit this relationship and project blame on his (ex) fiancée.

If you're hoping that the 2 of you can "mend" your relationship and get back together, I would suggest you give him chance to miss you - in fact I'd advise this even if you are going to remain split up. If it's economically impossible for you to move out, then I wouldn't be at home too much whilst the 2 of you are "split up". And don't bother cooking, washing or ironing for him either! Mark your own food that you pay for yourself so he won't touch it and show him you're annoyed if he DOES eat something of yours. If he needs to 'find himself', then he needs to find out how to look after himself. If you need to be at home whilst he's there, remove yourself to a different part of the house.

Sorry but I'm inclined to think that a short period of this kind of treatment will possibly have him changing his mind. Do NOT gratefully climb back into his bed when he suggests it. You'd be surprised at how many blokes use sex to initiate a reunion. He's only worthy of the reunion if he wants to work towards it with sex absolutely off the menu. And get cancelling your wedding arrangements. Don't leave things hoping that the 2 of you are back in love and committed to your future together by this time next week or this time next month. The way he has ended your relationship suggests that any chance of the 2 of you getting back together aren't going to be resolved with a quick-fix solution. Get that wedding cancelled a.s.a.p.

Bamba xx

That is very very true. As someone who has suffered from depression for over 10 years I know that the only one who can help is myself. People can say supportive things til they run out of breath, but its no help unless I decide to listen. Its up to me to want to feel better. The last time I was really unable to cope I went to see my doctors who didn't just put me on antidepressants but gave me an email link to a website which is geared to changing your mindset. That helped more than anything (plus the fact that I got out of the situation which was making me so depressed).

Sorry I am in a bit of a man hating stage at the minute, hate to see all these wondeful women getting their dreams and hopes smashed to pieces by total arseholes of men.And the poor girls wonder what they did wrong and blame themselves,No disrespect to genuine depression sufferers.

[Modified by: Mercedes on March 14, 2010 03:31 PM]

Just thinking there must be a place that is filling up fast with all these arseholes of men who are lost trying to find themselves.When us women just get on with it.