Do i give in and let my bil come to vow renewal??

Hi all

This is a bit complicated and can i say we are not the family from hell.........just the bil from hell!! Me and my husband are renewing our wedding vows in August after 17yrs married. We are trying to put together a list of around 50 people to come and i feel really strongly about inviting people who have been here for us in the last year........I will explain

We are both 39 and have 4 lovely daughters, 3 teenagers and a 9 year old. October o8 my husband thought he was getting a spot on his face, infront of his ear and after much nagging from me and the kids he went to the docs. I thought it was a cyst and maybe needed lanced although it wasnt sore etc and he wasnt unwell. He was told not to worry probably a swollen gland. December came and still it was there, we were both going for a medical to start being foster parents and i got him to mention again about it and that i wanted him refered...................fast forward to march 09

Got a biopsy in march and within a week was scanned and in hospital having the lump (pea size) removed.........5 weeks later we are told he has non hodgkins lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic system and the type he has wont be cured. My husband is fine and after the shock wore off and being on sick with stress hes now back at work.................although i gave up work to spend time with the family as now realise trully whats important and whos important.................ANYWAY back to the bil. When we told family about my husband it took him (BIL) days to show face btw hes 41 no kids no wife and lives in the pub 7 days a week and has never as much as bought our kids a birthday card in 18yrs! but my husband says blood is blood and all that and he wont change now. Back in september their step dad died and bil had too much to drink at the funeral and tried to cuddle my 14yr who told him to go away and leave her alone as she didnt like it..............he started shouting and swaering at her..........my husband who is so laid back saw red at anyone speaking to his daughter like that and the brothers ended up fighting...........at a funeral............i know its unforgiveable, luckily his mum did forgive my husband. Anyway the bil phoned next day (from the pub, obvioulsy!) to say my husband in the wrong and should apologise to him, husband told him to go have a think about what actually happened then phone back cos he was the one in the wrong leering over a kid and swearing at her when told no..................We have never heard from him since!!!!! Not even now he has cancer. Now my husband wants to invite him to our vows and i and the kids have said we dont want him there as we will be on edge all day that he will get drunk...........which he does all the time and cause a scene. If he can fight at a funeral he can do it on our day as well. I want the guest list to be people who helped us through the worst year of our life and for some of them i dont think id be the semi sane person i am today. Ive never really got on with sil but told him to invite her and all her family who we havent seen for 17yrs as she has shown him support over the last year so i can comprimise sometimes. BTW mil and sil havent spoken for 10yrs..................this is going to be fun. Dont think i need the stress of the bil as well.

Sorry for going on but we had words over it yesterday and he did back down eventually but wanted some honest answers on what i should do as i know my friends will take my side. The other worry we have is the pub he practically lives in isnt far from the church we will be at and me and mil are worried he will turn up drunk and cause trouble if hes not invited....................what do i do???? This should be a lovely day for us and i know its going to be ruined.

I really feel for you. If it was my big day I wouldn't want it ruined either! We will not have my FIL for similar reasons. If it was me, I would not invite him, and I would hope my husband would understand and back me up. If for any reason BIL was upset then we could all sit down and discuss why he wasn't invited. If he really wanted to come, maybe he would make a promise not to make a scene.

Try not to worry too much. That why Brides have ushers. (Big ushers!) Worse case scenario he's walked out within 5 minutes and it will only be you and your loving family. IT IS YOUR DAY. Only invite invite who YOU and your goom want. Please don't let the family stuff stress you. This is maybe why destinaition weddings exist!

I think you've done the right thing by not having him there.

Not only would it spoil it for you, but this is a man who made your daughter feel uncomfortable by the way he touched her and then shouted at her, before getting into a fight with her dad - at a funeral no less. She should be excited about her parents renewing their vowes and instead I think she will be dreading it if he's coming. Stick to your guns.

Hi girls

Thanks for that and it does make me feel better hearing it from other people. As for the might leave after 5 minutes, that was my point to my husband about how unreliable bil is. My sil and all her family travelled up from england last year (we are in scotland) to take him out for a meal for his 40th and cos he'd been in the pub all day when they went for the meal at night he slipped out the side door and left them all sat there not knowing where he'd went as in his words - he couldnt be bothered with it all. I know its going to be hard for my husband on the day knowing we excluded him and know questiones will be asked, but like ive said to my husband..........had to get the big guns out for this one....................who do you want to make happy on our day, your wife and 4 daughters or your no good brother who doesnt bother his a*** about anyone but himself. Think that finally sunk in, harsh i know.

xxx

Well I wouldnt have him there and chances are he'd make a scene anyway...sorry to hear about hubby's health problems hun...if the bil turns up before and tries to put things right ..well then maybe you could set some rules down but if he doesnt care I doubt that he will anyway....and what does that tell you? x

well it tells me what i already know, hes a waste of space, im a bit worried my sil will fall out with my husband over it and then i really look the bad one....................families eh!!!

We are refusing to invite one of h2b's uncles (FIL2b's brother), as he is a sleazy, perverted, lecherous man who said some inappropriate things to me at a family party last year.

We actually only told FIL2b last week what he'd said, as he was getting a bit stroppy about his brother not being invited - the second we told him what had happened, he totally agreed with us that there's no way he should be invited as it was appalling.

I'm 29.

If I'm sickened at having someone who said some disgusting things to me there, I can't imagine how your daughter would feel. I think everyone needs to take her feelings into consideration - do you really want a man who pawed at her then swore at her when she asked him to stop, there?

I wouldn't invite him, and wouldn't hesitate to tell him why if he kicked off about it xx