whats happened to me!?

Hi all, hope all your planning is going well.

Im really struggling today, and i dont know why. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, altho for the last year or so they have only been the odd one here and there. I also used to self harm by cutting when i first met h2b 6 years ago, but with his support i managed to stop.

We moved into our own place 3 years ago, and my aniexty came in big horrible bouts! to the point when i had to be pinned to floor due to being so out of control and trying to hit myself! This was my new self harming act!

Anyway I left office work to work with people where my anniext was much lower and i was happy, but i still get the odd moment like today!

I was happy yesterday, recieved good new about moving position in my job, but woke up today and felt awful! I just felt really flat, like how i once felt when i was put on anti depresants when i was younger, i felt nothing! then i had a stupid fight with h2b over babies, i was complety unrational!

I then went to work at 1.30 as on a late shift and had a horrible panic attack! Then i got angry with myself while panicy! I was scrathing my arm throughout the whole time and was bright red by the time i went home! I would of hit myslef round the face if people wernt around me! but i wanted to so much! which is why i think i scratched!

I dont drink, but yet im sitting here now wishing i had a bottle of vodka to get completly wasted on!

H2b is being great as normal, but i feel like im slipping! I dont want to go back to the horrible place i was once in! I dont want to self harm! but i feel i want to and urge is constantly there like a cloud over my head!

To anyone on the outside i appear happy and confident! but its starting to leak out again that im not!

I get married in 2 months which i cant wait for and am not stressed about it! so why am i like this!

Why am i freak! i dont want to be me anymore! i want to get out of my head!

Sorry its long!xx



[Modified by: Here comes the bride! in 73 days! on 17 March 2010 21:32:29 ]


[Modified by: Here comes the bride! in 73 days! on 17 March 2010 22:19:58 ]

no one?

Hi, didnt want to leave you hanging, dont really have any good advice but would seriously just go back to your GP asap and get a little help- Iwas so worried about having panic attacks on my wedding day and the Doc was great-with a supply of tablets, just in case and various coping mechanisms. There are things out there to help you btw, the NHS isnt as black as its painted and can now refer for CBT and NLP, better for anxiety than tablets IMHO, big hugs from one anxious lady to another! xx

[Modified by: ladyoftheloch on March 17, 2010 10:45 PM]

It's understandable that you're having self-harm urges again. You've learnt it as a coping mechanism - it's something that has got you through tough times in the past. When times get tough again, it's probably something that will always pop into your head. I find that's how it is for me, anyway. I don't cut anymore, but the thoughts come back strongly when I'm struggling a lot. It's about learning to cope with what's causing those urges....you're doing really well not to resort back to cutting. The fact that you feel you are finding other self-harm methods is worrying though, and I agree that a chat with your GP may help. They will be able to advise you on the best ways of dealing with your stress and anxiety. Have you had CBT before? x

i think i seem to do alot different self harm now.

I scratch, slap, punch, pinch, over eat till i can feel my stomach strech in pain!

I sometimes feel a panic and want it to come on as i want the pain and the release of it!x

Oh gosh hunny, I don't know what to say but didn't want to read and run. My friend did the scratching thing when she got angry, and used to tell people she'd fallen over, or something like that. We just tried to be understanding with her and she doesn't have it now, but I didn't probe too much as to why.

I'm afraid I can't give much advice. Can you speak to someone close about this? I know men don't always 'get' things, but if you can try to help him understand how you feel, it would be good because you need his support.
Don't be hard on yourself. You aren't a freak and your h2b obviously loves you for who you are, seeing that you're getting married soon.
If I was in your position, I'd try to find a way of chanelling my energy into something less harmful, such as going on an exhausting run perhaps. In the meantime taking up a new hobby could be a good distraction for you.

I really hope you feel better soon hunny. Please try and talk to someone though how you feel, it always helps. xx

Have you spoken to your GP about the self-harm before?
It sounds like you're really struggling and I'm concerned for you.
Please make an appointment to chat things through. They can refer you to someone who will be able to help.

Hi, really sorry to hear that you are feeling like this

I don't have any personal experience of this kind of situation... so I'm not best placed to give you advice, but I would say that you should definitely go and see your doctor... they are best placed to help you cope/deal with the feelings of anxiety, etc.

And you aren't a freak! There are plenty of others that experience panic attacks and periods of feeling low.

Good luck... it sounds like you have a great h2b to support you through this... so I am sure you will be ok. x

I would go back to the Dr, get some advice and see what your options are. They are the only ones with access to the appropriate support services

Back to my normal self again today. Thank you for all your kind words.x