Its bad news, i know it..

Im sitting here sobbing so hard ive made myself sick.
2 weeks ago, after harrassing my GP to check my moles yet again he told me that two "growths" i have (one on my lower leg and one on my chest) need to be removed as there was a possibility that may be malignant.

Ive tried really hard to put it out of my mind, but tonight in the bath, the one on my chest starts driving me mad again, so itchy i want to dig it out myself.
Its just set me off into a mad panic. I have such a bad feeling about this, almost like i know if that makes sense?
Ive had about 7 other ones removed previously, but none felt like this and i never got this feeling before.
I feel so scared and desperate, and i dont want to burden anyone with my thoughts, because i cant get the words out in a way that doenst make me sound like a lunatic and i dont want to be told it'll be ok coz i dont think it will be.
I feel like im grieving for something? Im terrified, i know im not strong enough to deal with this. I feel like a fraud like im tricking h2b - what if i die? What happens to him? He's just poured all of his savings into buying us a fabulous beautiful house. Whats the point? What about my family?? I cant deal with this i cant i cant i dont want to.
Appointment is Weds to get them cut out and sent for biopsy. I haven't caught them early, but no one would listen to me and now it s all panic. Why does no-one listen?

Edited to say that with h2b, the wedding, the house, things are too good, things dont go this smoothly for me. I should have known. Y did i not see this happening?

[Modified by: Fraggle11 on 08 March 2010 22:15:47 ]

Ah honey I with I was there to give you a hug!!!!!!

I understand that you are having these feelings and panicking its obvious why you would be

Its hard for other people to understand and I have not been through this myself but just wanted you to know that us girls are here for you when you want to have a blow out about it

L
xxx

Aww chick. I can't begin to imagine how scared you are but please don't panic. I know several people who have had suspicious moles removed but all is well now. You can't carry on feeling like this alone- do tell your H2B- he wants to marry you. xx

Its horrible for you but ...you have to find a way to get calmer and wait and see...talk to h2b and your family hun ...things may not be as bad as you fear xx

This is only the 2nd time i have cried so im holding it together quite well. Just spoke to h2b, he's on nights in the brigade and wont be home til he collects me to have them taken out on weds afternoon.
I feel totally irrational. They aren't really moles, more like marks really that hurt and itch. An old school friend has recently been diagnosed with Skin cancer, superficial spreading melanoma. She has looked at mine and said they are identical to hers, which has panicked me more i think. All the others ive had done never gave me this feeling. Its a gut feeling. Does that make sense? x

Didn't want to R&R, but thinking of you x

Thank you hun. x

It does make sense, but it's not necessarily accurate this sixth sense. Sometimes we can mistake our big fears for just 'knowing' I' would expect if the doctors were really really worried they would have had you whipped in as an emergency that same day.

One of the people I refered to above had a melanoma of some sort. It's more common than you think for. Besides, it could be something entirely different like a cyst or a neurofibroma (now they are funny little things). I recently had one removed and they sent that away for testing. They send away everything they remove (growth wise) from your body to be checked. In this day and age of sue-culture they have to cover themself.

You're not irrational and everybody would be the same. I wish I could make you feel better xx

Emmie just talking to me has helped, thank you xx
Sometimes i just so consumed that i cant think straight, im meant to be the practical one x

I know- its hard chicken. I was recently diagnosed with a very minor case of neurofibromatosis. Very minor according to the docs. All I have is 3-4 tiny pink things on my arm, but what did I do? I googled it! Big miostake... I was paranoid and crying... convinced I was going to get ugly and H2B would leave. Blah blah blah. Anyhooo my point is we could waste a whole lifetime on misjudged what ifs? Just think of the oportunities we'd have missed. I'm glad you're feeling a tad better- let us know how you get on and if you feel like a moan my email button is activated (I lose threads very easily) xx

HI Fraggle11,

Have you moved to Stevenage yet? Live in the area so here if you need a shoulder. I had a mole removed from my knee a couple of years ago and unlucky enough to also have pre canerous cells ofthe Cervix that need to be treat, I know how scared you but take a deep breath get a Hug from H2B who will always be there for you no matter what and think positive. You cant do anything untill you know what you are dealing with so take each step at a time. At the moment just concentrate on Wednesdays appointment, when that's over then think of getting the results and so on. Try not going into a panic over what if's x x x

Hey, just read this and wanted to send massive hugs. My mum is going through something similar just now, they have tried to freeze the mole twice to see the skin underneath however they were still unsure so she is now waiting for an appointnent for them to do a biopsy...the waiting and not knowing is the most stressful part. My nana has had many removed and recently had to get a skin graft due to one however she has been going through this for years and in every other way keeps healthy and well, so even if it is a positive diagnosis then there s things that they can do.

Take care xx

Thanks girls, i feel calmer today which is odd as the biopsies are tomorrow. H2b is still at work and so i wont see him til 2mro at the appointment (they said i wont be able to drive because of the stitches on my shin) but he has been fantastic in spirit! Bless him, he set up private health cover for me today and has told me to book a full body Mole MOT and he will pay for it to put my mind at ease.
What scares me the most is, with the others ive had out, i never had this *feeling* before. They look different, not like moles and i do the worst thing imaginable which id google it. According to google im dying. And thats it, i lose it. And i KEEP doing this to myself. I panic, to the point i get sick and that in itself scares me.
And then i feel pathetic, i hate being cryer!
xmhairix, i really hope your mum is ok, send her my love... somehow its even worse when its your mum than it is when its you, so i really hope everything goes well xx

Flippingfab, hun you really have been through the wars haven't you. How are they treating you?
Ive not moved yet, our house fell through (dont even get me started!) but we heard today that the searches and survey on our new house came back all clear which is great and the agents are talking a matter of weeks so should be in some time early April fingers crossed (or just after once h2b has decorated).

Im trying to keep busy this eve, went circuit training after work, going to hoover and change the beds so i dont have time to sit and stress myself more
xxx

Ah best of luck tomorrow hon xx

Thank you hun, its not til 4.20 so have th whole day to get through at work first x