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Trust issues and getting married in 4 months !!

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New bride

Hey,

I'm going to apologise in advance for the length of this post, but please stick with it, as I desperately need your advice!

I've been with my fiance almost five years, and I'd like to think that up until recently, our relationship was pretty perfect :) however, it hasn't been the same since he came home from his stag do almost two months ago. As one would expect, there were strippers involved. I'd be lying if I said this didn't bother me, particularly as I have some real issues with self-confidence and videos were posted all over social media, but I was willing to move past my own insecurities and get on with my life. When he came home, he explained in detail what had happened and although internally I was upset, externally we carried on as normal. Over the course of the coming weeks, I couldn't help but feel there was information he was withholding, but having mentioned it numerous times, he assured me nothing more had happened and that the events were as he had originally recalled.

However, a couple of days later he accidentally divulged some information which was entirely new to me! All of a sudden, his story changed and continued to change several times until he realised he'd slipped up and explained what had actually happened. It turns out that he was far more 'hands-on' with the stripper than I was originally lead to believe, groping her breasts and bum! I was absolutely devastated! I'd had some very vulnerable conversations with him about how I was feeling prior to this information coming to light, and how I couldn't help but feel he wasn't being entirely truthful and he'd point blank lied to my face! When I asked why he'd lied to me, he told me that he hadn't lied but had simply withheld information. He said there was nothing to be gained by telling me the finer details, and that he feared I would end our relationship if I knew the full extent.

Following this, I'm really struggling to trust him! I'm finding myself questioning everything he's telling me, and my lack of trust in him occupies my brain constantly! It's absolutely ruined our relationship! We've argued almost daily since the information came to light. He's acknowledged that he needs to work to regain my trust, but ultimately thinks I'm overreacting! He keeps reassuring me that nothing else has happened throughout the course of our relationship but in light of what has happened, I'm not sure how he expects me to believe him! What's even more upsetting is that he didn't proactively tell me despite all of the opportunities he was given, he got caught out which makes me wonder how long he would have sat back and watched me being consumed by what I thought was paranoia. 

To make matters worse, I have previously been cheated on and have been screwed over by family members, therefore it takes a lot for me to whole heartedly trust someone! 

I'm supposed to be getting married in four months and I don't know what I should do! I don't want to be standing at the altar on my wedding day looking into the eyes of someone I don't trust but equally, don't want to throw away a relationship that up until this point has been perfect. I've turned into a suspcious, paranoid woman and am mentally exhausted from constantly questioning him! This isn't me! 

Advice? x

Bridezilla

This post has been written by many, many other women on here before.  We can't tell you how to think or feel about what's happened, we can only tell you how each of us would feel in a similar situation, which might not to the right thing for you.

In my case, I honestly wouldn't be all that tolerant of my OH going on a big, lascivious stag to begin with.  Something local and low key - maybe a pub crawl with some karaoke or a round of golf with the boys followed by BBQ at our place - would be about all I'd go for.  I'm all for preventing problems before they start.  I'm sorry, but I don't need my OH wasted and doing things I'd later be upset about.  Bad behaviour, under the pretense of a "stag," to me, is no more acceptable than bad behaviour any other day of the week.  But that's OUR relationship, and that's the people WE are.

Your relationship is different, and you went along with him going on this 'do. I'm guessing you undoubtedly knew that there would be copious amounts of alcohol, likely strippers, and blokes all for getting your h2b in all kinds of trouble.  Those things all happened, as could be expected because that was the set-up from the get-go.  Honestly, to hold that against him now -whether he gave you every salty detail immediately or later - really is a moot point.  These things were likely going to happen, given the scenario.  And equally likely, they meant absolutely nothing to your h2b.  And likely, he isn't going to get himself into a spot like this again - as you say he was a perfect mate all these prior years.

I'd say if he was a perfect mate before, he probably will continue to be...move on with the planning and don't let this spoil the last of the happy run-up to your big day.  But don't allow either of yourselves to get into a spot like this again either, because clearly, neither of you (like me) is open/okay with this kind of thing.

Bridezilla

Kitty-  I disagree that Jessica "went along" with the stag do- makes it sound like you're blaming her for this outcome. I'm sure she didn't think "hey hun you go off, see some strippers, get mashed, do whatever"... I would say it's a minority of fiances  that would be able to proactively tell their partner what they can and can not do on their stag/hen- and should you really need to if you trust them entirely? It's interesting that you say " I'm sorry, but I don't need my OH wasted and doing things I'd later be upset about."- why would you think he would do something to upset you based on what he was doing in an evening?

I feel Jessica is more upset about the fact that he hasn't been entirely truthful. As she stated she was okay to put the stripper thing behind her, but then his behaviour clearly warranted her to know something wasn't right- they've been together 5 years so it would have been obvious. I completely understand where she's coming from- he must know she has insecurity issues (lets be honest who doesn't) and yet he's failed to make her feel comfortable and safe, not only by the original act but the way he's handled the aftermath.

Jessica- I think you need to have an honest sit down discussion with him about how you feel. He's going to say you're overreacting because he obviously feels guilty for upsetting you. If you feel he really understands why you're upset and he's proactively working on the trust side, then I (personally) would try and move past this. 5 years and he's been perfect don't lose sight of that... but if you really feel you don't trust him, then you may need to consider what the next 50-60 years of your life would be like, stressing and worrying.

Had you had a discussion about strippers etc before he went? Did he know how it would make you feel? That may also be something to talk about- why he went along with it if he was aware of the consequences (men do think for themselves sometimes despite popular belief )

xx

 I married my perfect husband on 03.03.2018 

Bridezilla

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way Jessica :( it’s not a nice position to be in. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to keep their hands to thenselves- wasted or otherwise! 

That being said, it’s happened now and you need to decided if you can move forward. i think you need to sit and have a very frank discussion about precisely why your upset, and what each of you consider acceptable and not (for me witholding information is as bad as lying, it’s deceitful), and what you consider to be infidelity. it sounds like he’s keeping quiet because he’s embarrassed, but sit down and explain you don’t want to start your marriage not knowing what was going on. 

best of luck, and trust your gut xx 

Bridezilla

I think he's over-reacting. I think your response is understandable and proportionate to his (horrible, degrading, deceitful) behaviour and I suspect he's feeling guilty and defensive. 

He needs to accept that and apologise unreservedly. Only you can decide whether to forgive him. I made it clear to my OH that strippers were not an option for either of us on our stag/hen. Only you know where your boundaries lie.

Good luck. X

Bridezilla

What a horrible scenario! I agree with Future-Mrs-A here, the big issue here is the not telling the truth afterwards. There is nothing worse than that niggling feeling that you haven't been given the whole story - and frustratingly he had the opportunity but didn't come clean. We've all been there where we didn't want to give the full picture because the full picture makes it sound much worse than it actually was and he was probably panicking that he got carried away in the heat of the stag and sincerely regretted it and didn't want to upset you. It is naturally going to take you a while to trust him again but if you have every faith that he can bring that trust back and he has told you he is 100% committed to doing that and you believe that then I think you should try and move past it together. 

Bridezilla

Future-Mrs-A wrote (see post):

Kitty-  I disagree that Jessica "went along" with the stag do- makes it sound like you're blaming her for this outcome. I'm sure she didn't think "hey hun you go off, see some strippers, get mashed, do whatever"... I would say it's a minority of fiances  that would be able to proactively tell their partner what they can and can not do on their stag/hen- 

 

So I guess SpacePuffin and I are in the minority?  My OH and I don't "tell" each other what to do on basically anything: jobs, money, kids, nothing.  But you're damn right that we have general expectations on things like this.  He wouldn't expect to hear about me at some all-male revue and I wouldn't expect to hear about him getting a lap dance.  His stag consists of paintball with his kids, and yes, he chose that himself, based on the expectations and standards we have articulated over the years.

The OP writes "As one would expect, there were strippers involved," so yes, she figured on this behaviour.  If she suspected there would be strippers and she knows this isn't acceptable to her, the best thing would have been to head it off at the pass and have a conversation in advance.  It's water under the bridge now.  While his actions are most definitely not her fault, she didn't speak up on the front end and voice her concerns.  He got into a bad spot and then thought it best not to divulge everything, undoubtedly familiar with her esteem issues and the problems a full confession would cause.  It's a bad situation all the way around (that might have been avoided).  I would never blame a woman for the bad behaviour of her man, but I blame our gender for having a habit of not speaking up!

Again, if the relationship has been "perfect" for five years, I'd doubt that honesty was an issue before.  I doubt that either the lascivious behaviour or the white lies would be repeated again.  I think if he's willing to sincerely apologize, everyone forgives and moves on, lesson learned: be up front with how you feel BEFORE your partner engages in a behaviour.

 

Bridezilla

Kitty I have to say that I dont feel your advice is entirely helpful here- basically go back in time and tell him not to go on stag do? Yes the OP may have expected there to be strippers, but not for him to have his hands all over them and then to lie about it. There is some distance between those two things!

Anyway OP, i think, as others have said, that you need to have a proper sit down chat about things and ensure that its fully sorted before you move on to the next stage in your lives. I think your feelings are legitimate and he is in the wrong to make you feel that you're over reacting. All the best with it and do let us know how things are going xx

Wedding addict

I think you probably both need to sit down and you need to explain why you're so hurt by this. From reading it, it sounds like the major issue here is what constitutes a lie. For me and my husband, we are very much on the same page in our understanding that withholding information is the same as lying. He knows that I would expect him to disclose everything if I asked. Perhaps a conversation about this would clarify things going forward? 

As for the stag do and what happened... its already happened. I'm not in any way condoning or excusing it, but sometimes men on a stag, in a high pressused environment with all their mates egging them on and too much alcohol, can do silly things, that are out of character. I would think long and hard about whether you can move past this - if it hasn't happened in the 5 years previously, then you should be able to make it clear that it better never happen again if you want to move on from it.  I hope you manage to find a way forward. X

New bride

Hi Jessica, 

I am so sorry for what you are passing through at this moment, regardless if you continue in the marriage preparations, postpone the wedding or continue the relationship at all, it may take time for you to overcome these trust issues if you are really struggling as you said. 

When I read your post around an hour ago, my fiancee was here and I asked his opinion on this. From a males perspective he said that it seems as if your fiancee has made a mistake, that while men try to stay faithful and do no wrong, at times they will always be presented with temptation. It seems in the moment, during a stag night, your fiancee fell and done something I am sure he later regretted. My fiancee said that your hubby to be kept lying and changing his story as he probably did not want to hurt you and would have wanted to keep as much of the situation as possible hidden to spare your feelings. 

I think if I am honest, what you need is time. What is hurting you is the thought of some other women all over your man and him enjoying it. Wondering if he was even thinking about you then or how long it lasted for? Did she try anything else or was he said all that actually happened? I agree with the others that you should have a discussion with him again and try to be patient, calm and do not yell or fight about it.

I also want you to know that this is not your fault at all and allowing him to go on a stag weekend does not mean its your fault either. If you do not give your man freedom in his life at times then he will end up cheating on you anyways one day so the fact he went and you were okay with that shows how mature you are and that you trusted him whether you knew strippers were there or not. If you had said no your going on a stag weekend, all you get is a BBQ or a round of golf like someone else had previously said then I think that is a recipe for a much bigger disaster than just a grab of an ass or boob. Telling your man he can only have a BBQ is like telling him he doesn't have balls and you control him. A man has his role in a relationship and so does a women and you need to let him have that role, which clearly you did. 

Your fiancee is the one who made the mistake and I think he regrets it, otherwise he would not have felt the need to tell you anything. I wouldn't make any sudden plans, do not cancel your wedding, move out or tell your parents/friends about this as they would be biased towards you and think he is suddenly evil and then that will affect your relationship even more. Its hard to keep things to yourself but you are better not sharing such information because if you do work it out, which I hope you do, then those people you tell that love you will not forget so easily and this will affect your relationship down the line. 

Talk to your man, take time to think about everything but if you really love him still and he loves you then you could try couples counselling as a last resort. 

Best of luck xxx

 

Bridezilla

He was probably also egg' d on by friends, I don't condone it.  Honesty is a big thing for me and I would be so upset if my fiancé wasn't honest in the first place.... However, truth comes out...and it did in your case and he has explained himself.

If he is truly sorry and full of remorse... You have to move on - together.  All you can ask for is that he never does it again, if it does... Well you have your answer.

And just remember.. Strippers aren't prostitutes!  They normally have a protocol, for them it's work, nothing else.

Bridezilla

It's a stag do, his mates would have egged him on and after a few drinks he probably thought it was funny. I am friebds with some people who work in our local strip club due to my past working in bars, and honestly a lot of the time they pity the men and find them ridiculous when drunk, it's just their job.

Don't let him being immature for the first time in years ruin your relationship.

I agree with previous poster - If I told my h2b exactly what he could and couldn't do on his stag do he would probably do the opposite, just like he would never dare to dictate what happened on my hen do. 

(H2b does have one mate who I hate who will probably try and get him in a strip joint, I've just told the ones I trust to do damage control and ensure no pics are taken and it don't coat a load!)


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Bridezilla

I absolutely understand why this has upset you so much. Firstly, I think it's really admirable of you, despite your insecurities, that you consciously made an effort to move on and not be bothered by the fact that a stripper was at your H2B's stag do. I've seen countless posts over my years on here by women who hit the roof just at the prospect of strippers. I agree with other posters that there's nothing wrong in letting your OH go on a stag do without having to carry around a mental rule book from you, given that a stag do to lads is generally the most important aspect of the wedding planning process bar the wedding itself. I remember within days of setting our wedding date that our best man was around our house making stag arrangements. I think the fact that you didn't raise your feelings about strippers with your H2B before his stag isn't a mistake at all and actually, very mature and conscientious of you. I can imagine there are many men out there who are stitched up with a stripper and potentially end up having the rest of their stag do tarnished a little, knowing they're going to get absolutely roasted by their fiancee when they get home for it. It's just a shame for you that you have been burned on this occasion.

I'm not bothered by strippers BUT if I found out my husband had touched one in the same way you described, I would've been far from impressed and would probably have had the exact same reaction as you if I discovered I had been lied to about the full extent of what happened as well. I too think your H2B is feeling incredibly guilty about it - the fact that you are arguing about it and he hits back at you with the 'overreacting' card suggests to me that it's a defence mechanism on his part; you're continuing to bring up something that likely hurts him which he also doesn't want to be reminded about, but you have every right to want to talk this out until it's resolved so keep persisting. Perhaps you have already done this by now. 

Your fiance has put you in a horrible position with the added pressure of your wedding being a matter of months away, but calling it off and ending the relationship won't solve this. You mentioned that he feared the relationship would end over the truth so he clearly recognises he crossed the line; as you seem to be more upset by the lie than the actual act (I would be too), don't even mention the stripper and just say that moving forward, he must always give you the truth, no matter how hurtful. Contextualise your issue in terms of your expectations for the future rather than bringing up something which in some ways has long been and gone. However, let's remember here that your H2B will only have one stag do so this exact situation whereby a stripper is shoved in his face (and he handles it badly) won't happen again. Give yourself time to heal over this, but I guarantee once you've said your vows, you'll see this issue as a tiny glitch in your otherwise 'perfect' relationship and I've no doubt you'll be able to move forward into a happy marriage. 

Good luck! x

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