Planning

Inviting children

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New bride

Bridezilla

I think u need 2 stop worrying about comparisons n other people's weddings, n make decisions based on what u & h2b want for ur day.

The main thing is u need a consistent 'rule' otherwise its gonna cause trouble!  Decide either just babes in arms at ur wedding, or any kids welcome....  but i think u should treat evryone's kids the same n not let ur feelings about their wedding plans n timescales cloud ur decision

New bride

I think if you are inviting your nephew, then it would be best to invite your brother in laws child/step child.  It just shows that you hold no hard feelings and it probably cause a fight if you dont.  One more child wont make a difference. 

the 4 year old will now be his family and you do not want to disclude the child due to the fact she isnt biologically family. 

Wedding addict

I think you can’t invite some children and not others. There needs to be a blanket rule to stop bad feelings. Obviously your own  should be there but the others you should either invite them all or not at all. 

Bridezilla

Totally agree with JMB2019 - your brother is marrying into that family so to exclude the 4 year old because they aren't a biological relative isn't very nice IMO. I have a step family who have never accepted me as a 'proper' relative and to treat a child like that makes them feel so upset. She will be your husband's step-niece, presumably forever if their marriage lasts, so I would treat her the same as any other niece or nephew.

Why would someone else getting engaged take the shine off your engagement? Can't you just be happy for them. you are accusing them of being competitive/childish etc but are just coming off that way yourself tbh.

My planning thread: http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/your-planning-threads/town-centre-barn-wedding---august-2019/452338.html

Bridezilla

I would agree with the others, for the sake of one child it would be better to invite her,  I don't think on the day you would even register it.  My Fiance's brother has a daughter from his first marriage and his fiance has a son, they are getting married 6 weeks before us which did grate on me at the time but our weddings are so different so it doesn't bother me now and there wasn't any question over us not inviting his step-son, he's being treated the same as my 2 nephews, we are buying him a suit and he's walking down the aisle with the rest of them, there is no way I could treat him any different.

Bridezilla

Just WOW

Obviously it's your day and totally your decision but to say 'she is nothing to do with us' breaks my heart for that little girl. She is a 4 year old child who, due to no fault of her own has probably had so many changes in her life already and had this label attached to her. Why should she get excluded because a family can't accept a man has chosen to raise her as his own.

I'd be inviting her with open arms and giving her a little job. Just remember any of us could be in a similar situation in years to come and how would you feel if your child was disregarded like this

Bridezilla

girlgang209 wrote (see post):

Just WOW

Obviously it's your day and totally your decision but to say 'she is nothing to do with us' breaks my heart for that little girl. She is a 4 year old child who, due to no fault of her own has probably had so many changes in her life already and had this label attached to her. Why should she get excluded because a family can't accept a man has chosen to raise her as his own.

I'd be inviting her with open arms and giving her a little job. Just remember any of us could be in a similar situation in years to come and how would you feel if your child was disregarded like this

I agree with this. The poor child will have been through so much and to be ignored because not blood relative is awful. You say nothing to do with you but she will be your niece, step niece maybe but still your niece. I have sat in a room while step siblings received gifts, Easter eggs etc and been left out because I was just the new wife's daughter. It hurts. 


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Bridezilla

Sadieee wrote (see post):
girlgang209 wrote (see post):

Just WOW

Obviously it's your day and totally your decision but to say 'she is nothing to do with us' breaks my heart for that little girl. She is a 4 year old child who, due to no fault of her own has probably had so many changes in her life already and had this label attached to her. Why should she get excluded because a family can't accept a man has chosen to raise her as his own.

I'd be inviting her with open arms and giving her a little job. Just remember any of us could be in a similar situation in years to come and how would you feel if your child was disregarded like this

I agree with this. The poor child will have been through so much and to be ignored because not blood relative is awful. You say nothing to do with you but she will be your niece, step niece maybe but still your niece. I have sat in a room while step siblings received gifts, Easter eggs etc and been left out because I was just the new wife's daughter. It hurts. 

 

Im so sorry youve experience this i hate the step term. It's so degrading. No family is perfect as much as some like to think they are. My daughter was a baby when I met my husband to be. I was walked out on during pregnancy unexpectedly. H2b has been to 7 years of doctors appointments, school concerts, been up at night cleaning sick and never let my girl down. I think if someone had the guts to say to him she was only a step or nothing to do with him, our RSVP would say decline 🤣

Bridezilla

Agree with the posters above. 

FWIW, I don't want children at my wedding and don't hugely like children (I know, I'm made of stone), but this little girl will be your niece, by blood or otherwise!

I come from a massive family and have several step aunts, uncles and cousins, if any of them said I wasn't anything to them I'd be absolutely devastated. 

It seems like you're taking your annoyance about their engagement and attitude towards your wedding out on them by excluding their child. 

 

Bridezilla

girlgang209 wrote (see post):

Just WOW

Obviously it's your day and totally your decision but to say 'she is nothing to do with us' breaks my heart for that little girl. She is a 4 year old child who, due to no fault of her own has probably had so many changes in her life already and had this label attached to her. Why should she get excluded because a family can't accept a man has chosen to raise her as his own.

I'd be inviting her with open arms and giving her a little job. Just remember any of us could be in a similar situation in years to come and how would you feel if your child was disregarded like this

This 100%!!!

I actually can't believe you consider that poor inoccent child to be nothing to you! She is 4 years old and has clearly been through some big changes in her life already including becoming a part of your h2b family! How you don't see her as family is really beyond me! 

I have a "step" nephew and I wouldn't dream of treating him any different as my other 2 nephews and my niece. The only difference that boy has to them is that he doesn't call my brother dad. He knows that it's his choice what he calls my brother (if he wants to call him dad that's fine) but he will be treated exactly the same no matter what! Biology isn't the only thing that defines a family!

Wedding addict

Just wanted to echo the same sentiments as the posters above me, I think it’s awful to leave this little girl out because she’s not blood! If your BIL is marrying her mother and taking her on, then she’s family, just as much as her mother is.

Wedding addict

I’d just like to add my WOW to everyone else’s. Agree with everyone above. 

Bridezilla

I'm shocked you would even consider not inviting this little girl. I don't even know why you're making an issue of it, she's your family regardless. you sound incredibly self centred.

Bridezilla

What an absolutely horrific attitude to have towards a 4 year old girl who through no fault of her own, you want to discount from the family. You have the audacity to call them childish, well I suggest you look in the mirror.

Bridezilla

I agree with all of the above.

Your engagement isn't tarnished in any way by theirs. And weddings are definitely not a competition. Both of these ideas will only exist if you allow them. So just don't let your mind play into it.

You do need to stick to a blanket rule on inviting children.  It's an all or none kind of thing, or you will really set people off. All babes-in-arms or none.  All small children or no small children.  The only exceptions that tend to not cause fights are the children of the couple themselves.  So if you opted to have your own child there and no others, that's completely your call. But you can't pick and choose on the rest, unless you want major guest discord.

I'm hoping you don't actually feel as heartless towards your FBIL's future stepchild as your post came across.  I'm a stepparent to my OH's brood of children, and most days, it's the toughest job in the world. They are older, extremely rebellious, and still require all of the love, attention, and time & money that biologically children need. You never get an "I love you" for it and many times not even a "thanks." Plus you get to deal with issues with the other bio parent. If your FBIL is man enough to take on the tough task of being a parent to someone else's child, kudos to him.   He is a big hearted, even brave, individual. You might not "know" this child now or have feelings for her at this point per se, but she is going to part of your extended family...so why not use the wedding as a chance to get to know her?  Better to build a bridge than burn one, right?

I obviously don't know you personally, but if I were to guess, I would say you are young.  I was once too, but two failed marriages and a lot of mistakes later, I've learned a few things. One of those things is that you never know where your life may end up.  As impossible as it probably is to imagine right now in the happiest time of your life as a couple, your child may someday be someone's stepchild. And you would definitely want your child incorporated into that new family.

New bride

i would just invite your child and your niece and nephews (including the step niece) - that is what we are doing, no one else is getting to bring their children.  

New bride

girlgang209 wrote (see post):

Just WOW

Obviously it's your day and totally your decision but to say 'she is nothing to do with us' breaks my heart for that little girl. She is a 4 year old child who, due to no fault of her own has probably had so many changes in her life already and had this label attached to her. Why should she get excluded because a family can't accept a man has chosen to raise her as his own.

I'd be inviting her with open arms and giving her a little job. Just remember any of us could be in a similar situation in years to come and how would you feel if your child was disregarded like this

 

totally agree with this! if this was me, she would be already classed as my niece, whether her mum and your future brother in law to be where married or just in a relationship.  

 

Bridezilla

I will disagree about the blanket rule, you don't have to have one. Our rule is nephews, nieces and children of wedding party are invited, plus babes in arms - that's 10 kids. We don't have room at our venue for any more. Our friends know and are fine with it.

My planning thread: http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/your-planning-threads/town-centre-barn-wedding---august-2019/452338.html

Bridezilla

Firstly, I don’t think they’re “bragging” about their wedding, they’re probably just excited and want to share their news of planning etc. If that’s considered bragging or being childish then I am totally guilty! Haha 

Secondly, I would invite the little girl. You have your son and a nephew there anyway, so the boundaries are hazy. Plus, I feel you’re letting your overall feelings about the couple influence your saying no to her little girl. 

We had a cousins two girls who weren’t initially on our list, but then we realised that actually, if it were to make the family happy then why not invite them. As my dad said “if it’s one day of happiness in those girls’ lives then our work is done!” 

Be the bigger people and extend the invite. You’ll feel much better if you do and your brother and his fiancé will be really happy. 

My planning thread: 

http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/your-planning-threads/our-sussex-barn-wedding---july-2018wed/440703.html