Are you being bullied by your family, your suppliers or even your fiancé? Do you find yourself nodding your head just to keep the peace, only to resent it later? Then it's time to declare your independence. The patterns you set now will affect your relationships after the wedding too, so start as you mean to go on.
The best way to get your dream wedding is to know what you want. "Ideally the bride and groom should become a team," says Martin Perry, confidence coach and author of Confidence Booster Workout: 10 Steps To Beating Self-Doubt (£12.99, Hamlyn). "Decide together what type of wedding you want - before your parents' expectations spiral out of control."
When you share your ideas with family and friends, be prepared for some initial resistance, especially if you're flouting tradition. Give early notice of your plans, so everyone has time to come to terms with what you wish to do.
Stand your ground
Be a little selfish. If you spend your engagement worrying about pleasing everyone else, you may find that you, and your fiancé, become miserable. "Your mother may have looked beautiful in grandma's wedding gown, but you don't have to wear it," says Richard Carlson, one of the authors of The Don't Sweat Guide For Weddings, approx £6.90 (Hyperion). "Tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness, but let her know - immediately - that you have a different style of dress in mind." This principle works for other differences of opinion too.
If your families are paying for the wedding, they will probably feel they have a right to say how that money is spent, especially if their cash is earmarked for specific items. To avoid this, tell your families they're welcome to make a general contribution. It may mean a lower budget, but it also means more freedom to do things your way.
Have confidence in your choices and in your right to make them. Communication is vital, so deliver wedding news promptly and appropriately. For example, if guests hear through the grapevine that their offspring aren't welcome, they'll be more hurt and upset than if they get a nice note from you explaining why your celebration is for adults only.
If there's a difference of opinion with your future in-laws, consult your fiancé about how to proceed. Try to keep discussions non-confrontational and do lots of listening. It shows you respect his family's opinions, even if you won't capitulate. Try not to get too upset if your fiancé finds it difficult to play the role of negotiator. Develop your own relationship with his parents.
Know what you want
It's not just family you need to stand up to. Wedding suppliers are experts in the field, while you're probably a nuptials novice, so it's easy to feel intimidated.
Keep a file of colour swatches and magazine tearsheets. If you can show a florist specific bouquets and centrepieces, she'll understand exactly what you want and be able to deliver it. Because your wedding dreams are so personal, it's easy to become over-emotional if a supplier is critical. Find suppliers who respect your ideas and are willing to work with you, not impose their own style on your wedding.
If all else fails
Consider hiring a wedding organiser. Her assistance will reduce your planning stress, ease pressure on family relationships and she can act as a buffer between you and your parents. She can represent you with suppliers too, and her experience and negotiation skills will help you get the wedding you really want.
Learn to say no
Confidence coach Martin Perry offers these words of wisdom
- Women, in particular, tend to feel guilty about saying what they think, but you can't please everyone all of the time - and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to.
- Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. If your parents react negatively about your plans, ask yourself why. Do they want what's best for you, or is their disappointment more to do with their own fantasies?
- Be firm from the beginning. This may be uncomfortable in the short term, but the end result will be worth it.
