Modern wedding etiquette

How many bridesmaids should I have?
As many as you like! However bear in mind it's become traditional for the bride's family to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, so unless you've got money to burn, keep numbers fairly low.

How far in advance should I send out invitations?
‘Six weeks is traditional, but if you're marrying in June which is the most popular month, 10 weeks before is definitely acceptable,' says Danusia Crowe, wedding consultant at the Wren Press (www.wrenpress.co.uk)

If we're paying for the wedding ourselves, how do we stop our parents inviting all their friends?
As you start your wedding preparations you need to sit down with both sets of parents and allocate the number of guests for each side of the family. Make it clear, gently but firmly, that numbers are limited and you much as you would like to you cannot invite everyone. If they try to invite other people at a later date you can then refer back to the earlier get together and remind them of what was agreed!

Who do we invite if we're getting married abroad?
Most couples stick to close family and friends only when marrying abroad and then hold a post-wedding party when they get back. If you are marrying in Europe and the costs involved aren't such an issue as for say a Caribbean or Mauritius wedding, then give your friends the option of coming along but make it very clear that you won't be offended if they feel they cannot join you.

Can I ask for money on my gift list?
Traditionally this is a big no-no, and it's still not entirely acceptable to ask your guests for cash. The more acceptable alternatives are a wedding list account with a big store such as John Lewis or Selfridges, or a honeymoon account (available through Trailfinders - www.trailfinders.com/weddings) where guests can contribute towards the holiday of a lifetime.

Do we have to invite children?
It's not necessary to include children in the invitation but you do have to stick to a no kids rule if that's what you want. You definitely risk offending some parents if selected guests are allowed to bring their little ones.

What duties do the best man and ushers have?
Before the wedding, the best man is responsible for the stag do and getting your fiancé home safely afterwards!  And on the day, he should brief the ushers, oversee the buttonholes and make sure all the guests have gone home at the end of the evening. Ushers direct guests to their seats during the ceremony, and gather guests for photos afterwards.

What order does the bridal party take down the aisle?
At a traditional English wedding the bridesmaids follow the bride up the aisle, in the US it's usual for the maids to come in before the bride. Many brides are currently opting to have a flowergirl coming in first, scattering petals up the aisle, with the older maids following the bride. It really is up to you and what you prefer.

Should we have a receiving line?
In an ideal world you'd speak to all the guests individually, but this is time consuming and you won't be able to say much more than a hello to each person. ‘A good compromise is to go round with your groom to every table during your wedding breakfast and chat to the table collectively,' says Mark Niemierko at wedding planners Smith and Niemierko (www.smithniemierko.com).

Who should sit on the top table?
The modern family unit often consists of step-parents and half siblings, so a traditional seating plan probably won't work. ‘Treat step-parents as honoured guests and sit them as close to the top table as possible,' suggests Carol Richardson, wedding expert from Confetti (www.confetti.co.uk). Or choose not to have a top table at all, and ask family members to host tables instead, and seat your closest friends at your table.

Should we offer a choice of food, or stick with a set menu?
If you are having a sit-down meal, it is simpler (and usually cheaper) to stick to a set menu but obviously with provision for vegetarians. If you want to offer more choices then it is probably a better option to have a buffet where guests can choose from a selection of meat, fish and vegetarian options. Your guests know they are coming to a wedding and not a restaurant and as long as you choose a fairly simple menu they should be happy.

Can the bride make a speech?
Although it's not traditional, it's becoming more common for brides to say a few words. Without any of the pressure that the other speech givers come under, you've pretty much got free rein. But think about what you want to say in advance, and don't launch into an over-emotional ramble. If in doubt, keep it simple, and go first if you're nervous, or last for maximum impact!


Photography Greg Hinsdale

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