Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank (name of groom) on behalf of the bridesmaids for his (brief/patronising/kind) words. I agree that the (number of bridesmaids) all look (lovely/drunk/sweet/taken aback). I was (honoured/shocked/confused) when (name of groom) asked me to be his best man, I had presumed everyone else had said no, even (name of least likely guest) said he had joined the (French Foreign Legion/Samaritans) and couldn’t possibly help.
So here I am, and where do I start? I first met (name of groom) when we were both at (school/reform school/pub, etc) when his nickname was (if none used, make one up) and we immediately became great (friends/enemies).
Since that time things have got progressively (better/worse). We have been through many things together, including (puberty/drinking/partying) and most memorable of all was when we were (age) when (name of groom) got into (amusing anecdote).
Things didn’t get much better either, when (years) later he also (amusing anecdote). And at last we came to the stag night. From what I can recall, it all started off so sedately, but ended up in drunken debauchery (story of stag night) when (name of groom) ended up (naked/in jail/tied to a lampost/name of city, etc).
It was (years) ago, when (name of groom) met (name of bride), the (best/worst/we’ll come back to you) thing ever to happen to him. It was (love/lust) at first sight. It took (name of groom) (no. of days/months/years) to pluck up the courage to ask (name of bride) to go (out on a date/go to bed), and the rest is history.
I ask you all now to join me in a final toast to the future happiness of the bride and groom. To Mr and Mrs (surname); may their life together bring them (much happiness and many children/much more happiness and many more children). (Sit down and milk the (praise/vitriolic looks/wrath of grooms mother).