The Rules of Engagement

They’ll be the ones reaching for the Kleenex when you find your dream wedding dress, they’ll throw you the party of your life – then tend to your aching head the next day, and they’ll follow you down the aisle in the dresses that co-ordinate your whole colour scheme, all the while holding up your ridiculously long train. So how do you look after the ladies who are looking out for you? Senior writer Julia Scirrotto imparts some wedding wisdom…

Image by Sean Cook

1. Thou Shalt Not Choose Them Impulsively

In the buzzy aftermath of the most romantic proposal ever, it’s tough not to ring all your best friends in the world and ask them to be a part of your bridal party. But before you do, think through a few logistics:

Wedding size Eight bridesmaids would look great at a 200-person do, but might seem a teensy bit out of proportion if you’re planning a low-key 40-guest party – and remember that budget-wise, every lady means another bouquet and thank-you gift.

Family members Discuss this with your groom – you both may have siblings or cousins you want represented, and it’s best to be on the same page from the off.

Convention Just because your friend chose you to be her maid doesn’t mean you’re required to return the favour, and, yes, it is OK to have an uneven number of maids and ushers. Just surround yourself with the best girls for the job.

2. Thou Shalt Pop the Question in Style

Once you’ve got the right mix of maids, there are tons of personal ways to make the offer, from a heartfelt handwritten note to a comedy pair of embroidered socks (check out the retro styles at advantagebridal.com). You could plump for a cool pre-printed ‘Will you be my bridesmaid?’ greeting card (try dessy.com or zazzle.co.uk), or DIY it with a bottle of wine and a customised label from thewinelabel.co.uk. Whatever method you go with, the key is to make it feel like an honour rather than an obligation right from the beginning.

3. Thou Shalt Not Spring Expenses on Them Willy-Nilly

Are you paying? Are they? It’s essential to be open about money expectations right from the start. Tradition suggests that the bride foots the bill for the maids’ outfits, though if they’re choosing their own look, it’s not unreasonable to ask them to pay. Alternatively, you could go halves or perhaps pick up their shoes and accessories depending on your budget and theirs, so talk it out to find a plan that’s comfortable for everyone. Just remember that they’re pledging their time and energy to help you prepare for your big moment, so it’s nice to treat them if you can.

4. Thou Shalt Involve Them From Day One

Your girls know that being an A-grade maid is just as much about planning and listening as carrying the train outside the church. And, as such, they’re keen to support you every step of the way – so let them. By keeping them in the loop throughout your engagement on issues big and small, you’ll foster a sense of camaraderie and keep the lines of communication strong, which means it’ll be a lot easier to ask for help when you desperately need someone to tie ribbons or string garlands at the 11th hour.

5. Thou Shalt Not Treat Them Like Dolls You Can Dress at Will

Spare your girls dress disappointment and make an effort to find an outfit they’ll truly enjoy wearing. Ask them to help by clipping magazine images or sharing blog links to frocks they love, and plan a group shopping trip where they can try on lots of options and see what works. Still can’t agree on one style? Try mixing and matching dress shapes within a single colour scheme or choosing a general palette rather than a specific shade so you can flatter all figures and skin tones and ensure they’re all feeling as gorgeous on the day as you do.

6. Thou Shalt Co-Ordinate Diaries

Agree up-front how much of a commitment will be involved, and plot out major events (dress shopping appointments you’d like them to attend, fittings, the hen do, rehearsals and wedding-weekend activities) early on. Put down all the can’t-miss dates in pen – particularly if you’ve got a big, busy group with demanding schedules of their own.

7. Thou Shalt Not Turn Them Into PAs

If you want a wedding planner, hire one, but don’t expect your maids to serve as your personal army of unpaid labour. Yes, on the day itself they are your go-to girls, and you can certainly take them up on offers to DIY decorations, address envelopes and join you on supplier visits. But mandating a list of tasks that are really your responsibility (i.e. anything that doesn’t relate to the hen or their outfits) goes beyond the brief.

8. Thou Shalt Let Them Know What You\'re Thinking

Would you like to weigh in on your hen party plans or stay blissfully in the dark? How about surprises on the day: bring them on, or fill you in ahead of time? Every bride has a different threshold for the unexpected, so clue your maids in to how much info you want in advance. They’d rather spoil a secret than stress you out!

9. Thou Shalt Not Freak Out About Any Of The Following...

Bridal-party haircuts, highlights, lowlights, weight gain, weight loss… even baby bumps – all of these fall under the category of small stuff you shouldn’t be sweating, and it’s actually their commitment to the cause that counts. Admittedly, you may have to scramble a bit if one of your girls falls pregnant halfway to the big day, but you chose her because you love her and she loves you, not for her ability to down vodka shots and stay svelte, right? Right.

10. Thou Shalt Remember They Have Lives Too

As much as you can, keep that casual, non-wedding banter going (work, family, films, Glee…), and don’t forget to ask them about the major happenings in their world, too. Because, long after the confetti has been swept up and your dress has gone into storage, you’ll still want those friendships to be going strong.

Leading Ladies

Now you’re all clued-up on how to treat your best girls, it’s time to get hunting for those colour-co-ordinated bridesmaids dresses they\'ll love, seriously sparkling wedding jewellery to match and a little something special to say \'thank you\'…