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49 thoughts every bride has at her first gym class

Gym membership booked, now time to do the actual exercise…. damn it.

1. Oh, that man handing out flyers was actually giving out free guest passes for the gym. Perhaps I should have taken one. 

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2. Phoned and asked for a free day pass – they gave it out so easily. They obviously think I’m a bit chubby. Should I be offended?

3. Body combat class booked for tomorrow. Wow, I feel so proud of myself. Have I lost weight already?

4. I’m so into this healthy lifestyle thing. Today I forgot to eat breakfast AND I’m only eating a small pack of Hula Hoops for lunch instead of a grab bag. See? Totally healthy. 

5. Why are all these skinny people in the office going to the gym as well? So annoying. 

6. Why are all these skinny people in the office eating avocados every day? So annoying. 

7. Fiance gave me a massive pat on the back for booking my gym class. He must think I’m a bit chubby too. Should I be offended? 

8. Need to pack my gym bag – what does one wear to a fitness class?

9. Actually…. what IS body combat?

EASY EXERCISES FOR LAZY PEOPLE

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10. Body combat tonight. That means I need a big lunch. Mac and cheese on the canteen menu – totally acceptable as I’ll work it all off later.

11. So full after lunch but going to be feeling sooooo skinny later. Can’t wait!

12. Gym class at 18.15. Love that the bosses all think I’m working a bit later because I’m so committed. 

13. 18.00 – let’s do this. Wow, the people on the gym reception look like models. 

14. Into the changing rooms… woah…. So. Many. Naked. People. I am NOT ready to whip my clothes off in front of strangers. 

15. Found a quiet corner to get changed. Oh wait, why has she decided to come and sit right next to me? 

16. Okay, get changed under the towel. Sounds so simple but what are you meant to do when your sports bra gets caught in your knickers and you accidentally topple over onto said woman? 

17. She thinks I’m a loon. Urgh, the gym is so stressful. 

REASONS NOT TO DIET FOR YOUR WEDDING

18. Right, here we go. The instructor seems friendly. Except, she hasn’t really asked how or who I am. She’s just pressed ‘play’ and now this rather intense hip hop music has started. 

19. She’s saying pulse a lot and everyone’s jumping around so I’m trying to copy.

20. Erm, whose idea was it to fill the room with mirrors? I do NOT want to be looking at myself. 

21. Oh my goodness, I am NOT doing this right. 

22. Why does the routine change every TEN SECONDS???

23. I think everyone’s looking at me. 

24. Oh wow, we’ve done 20 minutes already. That flew by. 

25. I really need a drink. 

26. Oh man, everyone else has a water bottle. Would it be bad form to ask for a sip?

27. What’s jam jam jam anyway? Surely naming a move after a condiment is a bit cruel? I’m going to have jam on toast when I get in.

28. Ohhhhhh, she’s saying jab jab jab. That makes sense. Doh. 

29. Oh my gosh, I am SO red. My hair has actually gone curly. I’m definitely going to need a shower. 

30. I wonder if I should leave the class a bit early to avoid shower queues?

31. Wow, 45 minutes done. That was so quick. 

32. Everyone is saying how great the class was. Hmm, it was okay. I wouldn’t call it ‘great’. 

33. I am so red. 

34. Shower time! Oh wow, more naked people. These guys really don’t care, do they?

35. Right, let’s shower quickly and then I can still make the 19.30 train. 

36. Oh crap, I forgot my hairbrush. Ah well, I’ll just brush and dry it when I get home. The trains will be empty at this time so no one will notice.

37. Why am I still so red?

38. Ran for the train. Made it! So busy. STOP TOUCHING ME. 

39. Everyone is staring at me. I am so red. 

40. Maybe they think my wet hair is just really greasy hair? Why aren’t they saying ‘well done’? Don’t they KNOW what’s just happened? Rude. 

41. Phew, I’m home. Soooo hungry. 

42. Was kind of expecting fiancé to have bought me flowers or chocolate or something but whatever. 

43. Right, dinner. I so deserve something nice. Fiance agrees. Although he says he’s not hungry. 

44. Grilled cheese toasty for one then. Yum. 

45. Feeling so smug and proud. Going to treat myself to a brownie before bed, I think. 

46. Urgh, hate my alarm. Oh wait, I don’t mind waking up today because I’m skiiiiiiiiiinnnnnny!! 

47. Hmm. I don’t seem to look any different. Maybe the gym class isn’t working. 

48. I am so tired. 

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49. Not joining the gym after all. My body obviously doesn’t respond very well to body combat.