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Katie’s Long-Distance Wedding

UH, mums and wedding make-up

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Bride puts on wedding make-up

Katie, 33, is in PR, while her ex-soldier H2B Ultimate Hero (UH), 38, is a close protection bodyguard. She will be sharing her wedding diary with us in the countdown to her big day on April 30, 2011.

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Well brides, I have less than 100 days to go before I become Mrs Hero. I can’t remember my life pre-engagement. What did I do on the weekends? I faintly recall having a need to wear make-up and attire other than loungewear…

Weekends of late have been all about retreating to my wedding cave (well, my house), which has RSVP cards strung up with ribbon, a wall-sized seating chart posing as a potential matchmaking system, and piles of torn up magazines. There, I furiously search the internet with My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding on the TV in the background. In last night’s episode there was footage of a stretch Hummer, most likely the same vehicle as the one UH has booked for us.

Apart from the warmth of my wedding cave, it turns out I’m actually desperately lonely. I was coming home on the tube last night and I couldn’t work out why I felt so terrible.Then I was overcome by a feeling I hadn’t had in decades. Do you remember being really scared or really sick as a little girl and really needing your mum? Well, there I was on the Bakerloo line, all 33 years of me, and I couldn’t have felt more like a baby.

Sometimes it is only a mum who can make it better. I can masquerade as a superwoman, thinking I can do it all on my own, but the truth is I just need my mum to organise this whole wedding thing with me. I phoned her when I got home to tell her how much I missed her and quickly realised she was crying. She must have sensed my pain, I thought – until she announced that she had just watched The King and I and was upset that the King died in the end. Like mother like daughter, enough said.

Then, almost like a prayer answered, Bloody Sunday was suddenly on ITV – one of the films that UH has starred in as part of his military acting CV! Now there’s a way to lift my spirits: the UH occupying the screen in military uniform, complete with maroon beret and some dirt smeared on his face. I watched it countless times when he was first away just to hear his voice – I’ve never heard anything quite like it. It’s this perfect hybrid of well-travelled poshness and raw masculinity: velvety and smooth but deep and gravelly at the same time. In Bloody Sunday it’s really raspy and strained as a result of all the screaming they do in that film. And I think it’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.

Speaking of the gorgeousness of the Hero: the other day we were on Skype, when as he reclined back in his chair and rested his head in his hands, this giant muscle burst up on his upper arm.

KM: Hero!!! What the hell is that ball that just emerged out of your arm?

UH: Babe, I have been going to the gym.

This wasn’t news to me: the Hero has always worked out and runs long distances – he once ran across Norfolk County with his dog, but then he needed his mother to drive him home, claiming the dog was too tired to run back.

KM: Baby, are you getting buff for our wedding?

UH: No. I just don’t want to have a coronary in five years.

Why would he anyway? He is in perfect health. If you ask me, he just didn’t want to admit he was getting buff for the wedding so he could maintain his macho status.

As for me and my big-day looks, from the start, I did make one stipulation to UH about the wedding: no matter what, I want a professional make-up artist who would stay for the whole wedding day and night. While this may sound like total madness to many of you, it is a complete practical necessity for me. I spend my life walking around in an inflated bubble of emotion day in, day out that is going to burst violently on my wedding day. It will explode and fragments of my emotional backlog will most likely fill every pew, ceiling beam and even the bell tower of the cathedral. There is no way my face is going to hold up.

After one of my many marathon internet sessions, I came across Louise Young. She just happened to be based in Norfolk, and has an international career. With an impressive CV that included London Fashion Week, Strictly Come Dancing and films like Stardust and Pride and Prejudice, I knew she would be well-equipped to repair a tear-stained face. So Louise will come the morning of the wedding and stay right through to the evening, just to be on standby to reverse my tear damage. To be honest, If I had to pick between a wedding cake and Louise I would pick Louise. The brides out there who are also award-winning tear producers will hear me on this one.

Katie xx

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Read Katie’s wedding diary week 29 (and find links to earlier weeks) here.