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Katie’s Long-Distance Wedding

Bridesmaids and wedding speeches

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Katie’s Long Distance Wedding Real Bride’s Blog

Katie, 33, is in PR, while her ex-soldier H2B Ultimate Hero (UH), 38, is a close protection bodyguard. She will be sharing her wedding diary with us in the countdown to her big day on April 30, 2011.

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So brides, I’ve been thinking about the purpose of the much-considered bridesmaid. What are they there for really – to fluff the dress and hold the bouquet during the ceremony? After some careful thought, this is what I decided: your bridesmaids are your crew, your home-girls, your posse, your tribe… you get the idea.

My girls are representing me on the day and in the true style of our friendship: we have all decided to make a speech. I always thought it was strange that girls didn’t speak at their own weddings, and I couldn’t imagine either them or me not speaking. Truth be known, I wrote my speech about four months ago. I keep it in a draft email and when I read it I literally tear up – I expect one of my girls may have to read it if I start wailing. In fact, I’m slightly concerned it may be too dramatic, and then the poor UH will have to do his speech afterwards. So this is how it will roll:

Speaker One: My brother

My gorgeous baby brother is very Australian, is quite funny, but will make my mum and sister cry when he welcomes UH to the family. His top eyelashes are black and the bottoms are white, he gets funnier the more he drinks and he’ll most likely be the first to take his tie off.

Speakers Two, Three and Four: My sister and two best friends

My sister was so emotional at my 21st the most she could get out was ‘I love her very much’. The entire audience went ‘awww’ in loud unison. As for my best friends, one of them wore a mismatched bikini seven years ago, so to this day I feel responsible for providing her with glamorous swimwear, while the other one will think the pedicure colour I pick will be far too OTT, but will pretend to like it to please me. And all three of my girls have the most infectious laugh.

Speaker Five: Me and my pre-prepared draft email speech

Speaker Six: The UH

At this stage he’ll be wondering what the hell has just happened and how he found himself surrounded by a bunch of crazy Australian women.

Speaker Seven: The best man

Right at that moment he’ll be like a pig in mud – he has so much dirt on the Hero he’ll have to unleash it in a burst of years of pent-up frustration, and he’ll relish every second of ribbing the Hero after years of embarrassing shenanigans.

My mother announced the other day she also wants to speak, but that might be taking it too far.

So UH is now home. He gave me approximately 30 hours between announcing he was coming home and then actually pitching up at the front door. The benefit was that he arrived at 7am at the house, which meant thankfully for him I didn’t run up to him at arrivals (he recently announced I resembled Chewbacca when I do the run). So I woke up at 6am, put some make-up on and waited for the gorgeous creature to arrive. When he did I flung myself at him with such force he must have thought I was channelling Chewy anyway!

Ah my gorgeous Hero – he bought me a super-glam, divinely crystalled bottle of perfume from Dubai airport without even smelling it (‘It looked like you’, he announced). Then, when he came to work with me that day, wearing desert boots and jeans with a back pocket ripped off, I couldn’t have been more blissfully happy. But it was that night that I knew the Hero really had arrived, when he was flicking through the TV channels and settled on Glee doing the Rocky Horror performance:

‘Baby who are these people? This is excellent. Do they do a West End show?’

Ahh yes, the Hero is back.

Katie xx

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Read Katie’s wedding diary week 31 (and find links to earlier weeks) here.