Katie’s Long-Distance Wedding

Katie cooks up a plan to stir romance among her wedding guests...

Oracle Nomad Reads You & Your Wedding in Katie Maloy’s Real Bride Blog

Ah brides, what a week. I have had one of UH’s best mates stay with me and I have been chewing his ear off about all things bridal. He is eternally chilled out, says ‘mate’ every second word whether you are male or female and lives quite a nomadic lifestyle. He arrived still with the dust of Basrah on his back and I quickly overhauled him into an all-singing, all-dancing bridal/fashion/beauty oracle. He can now give you a rundown of the Britain’s Next Top Model finalists, the epic details of my secret wedding present for UH, and the finer details of my table plan.


So Oracle Nomad and me decided to draft the table plan up on Monday night (OK so I decided to draft it up and draft Oracle Nomad into the job, mostly because he knows some of UH’s friends that I am yet to meet). It was great fun, until I realised that UH being UH and consequently having a major fan base, and me being an Australian and getting married in the UK, UH’s guests were outnumbering mine.

Now that doesn’t really bother me. I have to accept that as I am not getting married in Australia many friends and family cannot make the 24-hour flight, take time off work, meet the cost involved and all of the other elements they’d need to factor in, so I don’t have the home-team advantage.

Consequently, I think I may do the unconventional and mix things up a little. Oracle Nomad and I made the fatal mistake of putting all of the buff, macho military men together. A good portion of them are loved-up, but those tables will be thoroughly weighed down with testosterone.

Throw in the alcohol, tales of skiing naked in Norway forcing innocent families to immediately flee the resort, playing rugby with Heath Ledger and the true origin of their many bizarre nicknames and you can imagine how rowdy that corner of the marquee could get.

In the other corner you will find a finely sprinkled selection of London’s finest ladies. They will be discussing their organic cotton dresses, bikram yoga classes and their fair trade biodynamic vegetable deliveries.

Then it dawned on me. There could be potential romances waiting to flourish here, and I could be committing the world’s most heinous crime by keeping these two tribes apart. I mean, look at the magic that could occur! It has worked for UH and me.

In the early days, one of my bridesmaids told UH she wanted him to get her and the other maids Jimmy Choos for the wedding. UH responded by saying: “You girls don’t need him, you can plan this wedding better than anyone else”. Yes, that’s right brides, the man himself thought Jimmy Choo was a wedding planner. Now look at him, not only does he know the difference between a dress and a skirt (don’t laugh, I have since discovered many men without sisters don’t know the difference), he also likes pine nuts and olives on salads and is partial to the odd tub of edemame beans.

Then there’s me. While I haven’t (and won’t ever) adjusted my diet to include the UH menu – which is mostly meat, meat and more meat – I can now drive really well; like properly grip corners and reverse park into very small spaces. It was only a couple of years ago that I had never driven a manual car. UH taught me the value of shifting down the gears as you reduce your speed, and how to not talk too much in heavy traffic. UH also encouraged me to wear ‘sensible’ footwear on uneven surfaces!

Perhaps there is something to be said about the union of our two worlds; we just might be onto something. Love could blossom, brides; I think there is a healthy percentage of women out there meeting their husbands at weddings. So rather than intricately calculate who I think may fancy each other, I am just going to haphazardly do my table plan with an undercurrent of romance in mind.

In all of my many interviews of former brides and grooms, all of them gave me the same advice: “Meet up together, go somewhere at the back of the reception venue and witness the action unfolding”. UH and I have always known we were going to have an eventful reception, but maybe we will literally see the sparks fly…

Until next week brides,

Katie xx

Read Katie’s wedding diary week 1 here.

Read Katie’s wedding diary week 2 here.

Read Katie’s wedding diary week 3 here.


Read Katie’s wedding diary week 4 here.