You’ve booked a beautiful bridal suite, slipped into some amazing wedding night lingerie, and the scene is set. But all the preparation in the world sometimes isn’t enough, and your carefully planned first night seduction doesn’t go quite right…
We spoke to real couples to hear their tales from the bridal suite, and we think you’ll be surprised what goes on behind closed doors, after the guests have gone home.
“After realising that the high-heeled sparkly wedding shoes I’d bought were completely inappropriate for my enthusiastic attempts at bhangra dancing, I’d taken them off and spent the night dancing in bare feet.
When we went up to our suite, I ran a bath and climbed in, champagne in hand, beckoning Brian in… He wandered over, looked at the scum collecting on the surface from my filthy feet and said in his thick, northern Irish accent, ‘Not on your life!’”
“Emma and I decided not to spend our wedding night at the hotel where we were having our reception. Bit unusual, I know, but all our guests were staying there, and we wanted to have some time just the two of us in the morning.
It wasn’t a massive problem because we were getting married in a relatively little market town, so the other hotels were in walking distance. Em took charge of booking, and after much dithering, she made her choice.
Unfortunately, when we got there at the end of the night, the receptionist had no record of our booking. We must have stood there arguing with her for a good 25 minutes. It was freezing cold, we didn’t have coats, I was exhausted (OK, pretty tipsy)and absolutely furious – I worked myself up into a rage.
At one point, I threatened to sue them! I was on the point of calling my parents and asking if we could sleep on the floor of their room, when Em suddenly said, ‘Hang on, what’s this place called?”
It turns out that all her careful research, not to mention a hearty quantity of prosecco, had confused her, and we were at the wrong hotel! Mortified doesn’t even begin to cover it – I went back the next day to leave flowers for the (very patient) receptionist.”
Rebecca, 32, and Emma, 36
“After our beautiful wedding in North Queensland, Australia, the tropical heat of the day gave way to an almighty storm and our guests, heading home, ran through the streets of Port Douglas.
When my husband Brett left, he had forgotten one thing: his new wife.
Yes, I was stranded at the reception venue, rather drunk, while my husband made his own way home with friends. Luckily for me, my unimpressed father-in-law came to the rescue and drove me home.
The icing on the cake was when I got back to find my new husband sitting on the couch with a beer and last night’s Thai takeaway. A blissful beginning to married life!”
“I thought I’d been holding it together brilliantly, managing to organise a wedding in under four months, while holding down a job and juggling family life with two kids under seven. *Smug face*. Until the day before the wedding, that is.
Attempting to check in for our flights to France for a dream familymoon, it transpired that my daughter’s passport had expired. Who knew that they only last five years for kids? Everyone but me, it seems.
The night of the wedding was spent dialling Easyjet from our five-star hotel instead of kicking back. With every option totting up to be more expensive than the original £1000 ticket price, all we could eventually do was drown our poor sorrows in champagne and enjoy an almighty lie-in – no kids. Every cloud.”
“I had the usual fittings for my wedding dress prior to the big day. It was perfect. But just an hour before the ceremony I put it on and the back zip broke. Completely. There was no fixing it, and I was distraught.
All I can remember is my sister telling me to stop being hysterical, and at the same time my best friend forcing rescue remedy tablets in my mouth! I was trying really hard not to cry because we had minutes before we had to leave and Nick was waiting.
Luckily, my sister is a costume designer and she came to the rescue, sewing me into my dress.
On the wedding night, trying to get the dress off was near-impossible as I was sewn in so tightly that with every tug, the boning ripped my skin and the decorative beading scattered everywhere.
To add insult to injury, the shawl I had worn had lacerated the inside of my arms and I was scratched red raw where the embroidered wire thread had been rubbing.
However, we were so drunk that it wasn’t until the next day that we noticed the damage!
Sunbathing on our honeymoon in the Turks and Caicos, I was all red marks and bruises and it looked like I had been beaten.
We had the most wonderful time but I couldn’t look back at my wedding photos for ages. They were tinged with disappointment. The dress is hanging in my cupboard to this day and I still haven’t replaced the zip!”
Cressida Luxton, 47
Modern-day Romeo and Juliet
“We arrived back from our reception at about 1am. I was sober as a judge because I was in the early stages of pregnancy and shattered; Antony, on the other hand, was not!
We’d had the cleaners in to tidy our cottage ready for our return, and they were supposed to leave the key. They didn’t!
Locked out, Antony decided he would climb up the house to the bathroom window and break in, while I waited in the garden until he opened the door and carried me in.
We were trying to figure out the next step when our neighbours heard something going on outside and came to look. They lent us a big bread knife to jimmy the bathroom window open. Still wearing his top hat and tails, Antony climbed on to the flat roof above our porch and straight in through the window. I was quite concerned for my new husband’s safety; it could all have ended in disaster and a very short marriage!
But there was no stopping his heroic efforts and it didn’t take too long before he had opened the back door and swept me over the threshold. It didn’t ruin the moment in the slightest, we were far too happy and loved up. I think it’s those funny things that make it your day and no one else’s. I don’t really recall any action after that! We both just passed out after a crazy day.”
Kinvara Jennings, 36,
Spanx courtesy of Figleaves
“After spending a fortune on beautiful bridal underwear, I actually ended up wearing Spanx instead to make sure every tiny bulge was hidden. My plan was to dash away from hubby before the impending consummation and dress myself for the occasion in my Rigby & Peller corset.
What actually happened was that I was so pickled that I passed out on the bed, and his first night with his Mrs was greeted with knee-length flesh-coloured Spanx, which he had to peel off me while I was snoring away! The corset finally made an appearance on our honeymoon to Lombok, Indonesia.”
Avoid these mistakes with our top tips for having the best first night sex ever.