Writing your wedding guest list is no mean feat. After your bridesmaids, parents and yourself, who do you choose to fill those coveted 70 extra seats? Before you know it, you’ll have written down everyone from the girl on the first floor at work to your next door neighbour’s pet parrot. It’s time to unleash your hardcore side and separate your friends from your ‘friends’. Think of yourself as a doorman on a private members’ club. If they’re on your A-list and are practically family anyway, they’ve earnt their place. But, if they make the B-list at best, it’s time to say au revoir. As a starting point, we’ve picked out 12 repeat guest list offenders who need to say bonjour to the cutting room floor. Big day planning just got brutal!
1. Your friend’s new man-of-the-moment
We all have that one friend who changes boyfriends more often than she changes her bed sheets. Just because she’s found ‘the one’ (again), doesn’t mean he needs to make an appearance on your guest list. You’ve never met him, and you probably never will. Chop chop chop!
2. The man who has always loved you
That safety marriage pact you made for when you were both 40 was only a joke to one of you. He’s deadly serious, and if it means speaking now before he ever holds his peace, he will. Be cruel to be kind, and miss him off the guest list – he’ll pour over every last one of your pictures on Facebook with a glass of whisky anyway.
3. Your cousin’s cousin
Those distant relatives you met once at a summer party when you were 12 won’t be offended if they don’t receive an invite. In fact, they probably won’t even hear you got engaged until 2018. If you can’t actually remember how you’re related, then off the list they must go.
4. Your h2b’s over-friendly ex-girlfriend
While the vision of her spending at least two days getting ready might fill you with a twisted kind of glee, inviting your man’s ex girlfriend will only end badly. The last thing you want is an attack of the white wine witch when looking on at her chatting to your new husband. Cull her. Now.
5. Your drunken university friend
Getting so drunk you throw up in a wheelie bin is only funny when you’re 18 and all you have to worry about is making two lectures a week. We all have one friend who never quite understood the ‘growing up’ part to getting older: scrub their name off the guest list faster than you can say ‘open bar’.
6. The neighbours
Just because you share a drainpipe doesn’t mean you need to share your big day. You can choose your friends, but unfortunately, you can’t choose your neighbours. Besides, not inviting them is the ultimate payback for their incessantly barking dog.
7. Your boss
Although the moment when your boss waves you off with the words ‘have a nice weekend… and wedding’ will be undeniably awkward, it’s better than the alternative: having to walk the tricky tightrope between work and your social life. The only exception to the rule is if your boss is super cool and shows up hungover more times than you do – they can definitely come.
8. Your friend’s four children
You’ve finally got your guest list clipped and pruned to a manageable number… and then you remember all the children. Friends who have a band of banshees large enough to rival the Von Trapps are particularly tricky customers. Give them plenty of notice, tell them politely it’s ‘adults only’, and remind them this means they can get really, really drunk. Done.
9. Your mum’s social-media-happy best friend
She might like all your Facebook posts (Every. Single. One.), but that doesn’t cancel out the fact you haven’t spoken to them in person since 2005. Dealing with your mother’s brief strop is a lot easier than making polite conversation that will last half an hour longer than it should. Rest happy with the fact that she’ll spend a whole day browsing your entire wedding snaps online – just brace yourself for the inevitable onslaught of notifications.
10. Your awkward ex-boyfriend
You don’t really talk, and you definitely don’t get on. Forget ‘doing the decent thing’; it’ll be awkward as hell. It doesn’t matter how many times your Mum says ‘he was such a nice boy’, just don’t do it – you’ll thank yourself later.
11. Your assistant
As hard as this news is to hear, you’re not actually Carrie Bradshaw, and it is possible to get through a day of your life without your assistant attached to your left arm. Leave her off the list, and feel safe in the knowledge that you’ll have your bridesmaids to hold your hand instead.
12. Your frenemy
There’s no room for anyone who thinks Regina George was ‘just misunderstood’ at your wedding. Chop her off the guest list and save the lemon-sucking and false smiles for the next time you have to see her at an over-priced wine bar.