He says: Wait, is this a venue that doesn’t allow booze? Surely not!
We say: A blank canvas event space where you bring in everything from chairs and linen to glassware and of course the alcohol to fill it.
He says: Is this the modern version of the ‘forsaking all others’ bit of the vows?
We say: Good guess, but wrong again! This is venue speak for taking over the entire property including any accommodation and outside space.
He says: Is this what I’m meant to muster up when she walks down the aisle?
We say: If the cost of your dream seven-tier cake is actually making your eyes water, substitute decorated polystyrene layers for the same impact on a budget.
He says: Like, sexual favours?
We say: There’ll be no time for funny business when you’re packaging your 112th jar of homemade jam – a tiny gift to leave at each guest’s place setting.
He says: Think I saw that recently on 50 Shades of Grey.
We say: True, but in this context it’s a bouquet style that’s looser and less structured than a posy, where each flower is wired into place.
He says: Invisible on top? Is that even allowed?
We say: A pretty lace or tulle layer that lies over the décolletage on a wedding dress.
He says: Is this what happens when you get hit by a light sabre?
We say: Lasers are involved but to much prettier effect in this stationery style where intricate patterns are burned into card.
He says: Don’t you mean MILF?
We say: Excuse you! That’s no way to talk about your future Mother In Law (see also: MOB).
He says: Is this one of the lunar phases between crescent and full moon?
We say: If you’ve blown the budget on the reception but still want to get away try a shorter break to a short-haul destination. Full honeymoon to follow.
He says: Tony Soprano taught me everything I know about the mafia.
We say: That’s one interpretation though the Mother Of the Bride can demand as much respect as any don.
He says: I could do with one of these to help decipher whether my fiancée is having a good or bad planning day.
We say: Not her mood, the mood you’re looking to create on the day. This digital or paper-based collage holds all your pictorial inspiration in one place.
He says: We definitely covered that one in Sex Ed.
We say: Get your mind out of the gutter. This acronym stands for Save the Date and you should send them out up to a year in advance.
He says: I think you misspelled wedding…
We say: Wedding + admin = wedmin. See what we did there?